November 29, 2025 Guest Post

Guest Post by Calleen Petersen

This is Part One of a two part series. Part Two will be published tomorrow morning.

Photo by marianne bos on Unsplash

As a mother of a child who has had physical, mental, behavioral issues, and disabilities, church has been hard for my family through the years. Actually, if I’m being honest, there were times it was downright hell.

Church is hard for many families like ours. We have kids who scream the entire sacrament. Church is not set up for kids who don’t sit quietly and behave. Our children are running up and down the aisles and blurting out inappropriate things. We are getting phone calls and bad reports. People do comment and sometimes say very hurtful things. It can be physically difficult to lug all the equipment our loved one requires just to be there. We are so exhausted from fighting with doctors, insurance companies, schools, spouses, our family member with the disability, and the family members without who don’t understand. We often wonder why we even come.

I remember one Sunday, things had been particularly bad, and someone asked, “How are you?” I know the correct response is “I’m great. How are you?” But those aren’t the words that came out of my mouth. Instead, a word vomit of trauma spewed out. I watched as the eyes of the person I was talking to got big, and unconsciously, their body physically recoiled from me. Bishops, Relief Society presidents, ministering sisters and brothers, often aren’t equipped to handle our level of trauma. They will often leave the conversation immediately and avoid us later.

Another time when my son was very young, a group of mothers in my ward decided that my son was not allowed around their children, and then, by extension, I was ostracized as well, due to behaviors I could not control, and did not yet understand the nature of, as he had not yet been diagnosed. This spread throughout the ward. It took a Bishop calling all the sisters into a room and calling them to repentance for it to stop. I was grateful, and yet heartsick that this had been the reaction of my fellow saints.

Generally, as a church, we are pretty good at showing up for someone who’s died. We make casseroles, we check in on them for a while, but are we as good when someone with mental health problems? What about someone going through a long, protracted, or lifelong illness? Do we still bring over the casseroles? Do we volunteer to help clean or sit with them? Sometimes. Some of our fellow saints are families in crisis due to medical or mental health problems that may never end. Their enduring to the end can be crushing. What are we doing for them? Are we bypassing them because we don’t know what to do or say? Are we saying, “I’ll pray for you and walking away? I believe Jesus calls us to spend time with the one.

When my son was in and out of psych wards for about 5 years, they were the hardest of my life. The experience brought me to my knees in a way nothing else has. We were active. We were at church every Sunday with our son putting on his show of behaviors, and me having to drag him out of the sacrament meeting with him screaming, violently kicking, and hitting me. Yet during that time, we only had two unsolicited offers of help in the 3 wards we lived in. I got help because what I was going through completely broke me, and I had little pride left to get in the way. I would ask, and sometimes beg for it, but usually when I was absolutely desperate. We never had ministering brothers or sisters who came or checked in.

Many of those in crisis are at the end of their rope. Mothers, fathers, spouses stretched beyond the max. But wards often don’t know what to do or recognize that there are any needs.

These parents and spouses struggle with self-care. These parents and spouses suffer from huge anxiety, TONS of grief, which will often hit again and again as their child reaches an age but doesn’t meet a milestone, or spouse faces yet another setback. Depression is rampant, along with feelings of helplessness. An occasional meal, someone who is willing to take the time to truly listen can help. If you are up to it, taking time to spend with the ailing spouse or difficult child so they can get a break can make a HUGE difference.

Children who have special needs siblings? They often feel overlooked, as, through no fault of theirs or their parent, a lot of their parents’ time and attention is focused on the disabled sibling. They need people to be second-parents, grandparents in their lives, people who see, hear, and know them. Including the non-disabled child with your family activities and taking them to church activities can help the child feel included and less like they miss out on everything when their sibling is having a meltdown or medical emergency, and their parent can’t make it, or they don’t have the stamina. A community of people who fill the gap, we can do that.

If I were the Bishopric, Relief Society or Elders Quorum President, after living this life of mine, I would be going down my list of members who are struggling like this, and meeting with them individually to learn of their strengths and needs. I’d have them think of callings, real or imagined (thank you, Susan Himkley from At Last She Said It!) that they might be able, willing, and excited to participate in. Because we need opportunities to be a part of things too. We need opportunities to serve and not feel like we are no longer needed or have anything to give. We need opportunities to minister and be ministered to. If you’re wondering how to help, ask us. We are your best sources of information.

To the many who are suffering in silence.
I see you, and I write today because I’ve been there, and I want to help.

Calleen is the mom to an adult with disabilities, a disability advocate, and therapist. She enjoys spending time with friends and curling up with a good book.