“People who have recently lost someone have a certain look, recognizable maybe only to those who have seen that look on their own faces.  The look is one of extreme vulnerability, nakedness, openness.” --Joan Didion, THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING 

Feb 1, 2000

While at mom’s I had a meeting with my brothers, Tony and John, and asked them to choose major things in the house they wanted.  I chose a few select things, including her doll collection.  I honestly didn’t care about any of it.  I only wanted mom back.  I know my brothers felt the same way.  It was done very well without any disruptive arguments that one sometimes sees in the movies.   

Now I’m back in Los Angeles and reality has kicked in. I’m in a daze. 

Alan and I went to the super busy COSTCO in Marina Del Rey, and I ordered 100 copies of my December 25, 1999, Photo of the Day to send to the people who sent me sympathy cards.  It’s a group photo of The Armijo’s at mom’s house. 

Feb 2, 2000

Alan is so kind to get tickets to see CHER.  The show was held downtown at the STAPLES CENTER.  She gave a fantastic show but for most of it my body was there, but my mind and spirit were not.  I still cannot stop thinking about mom.   

After the CHER concert, Alan took a photo of me with the CHER tickets and the Thank You cards I was writing.  When I look at the photo of me, I see a certain look.  Those who know can see it.  I never would have guessed the new century would start this way for me.  Each day is blur. 

Feb 3 

In front of our house, I noticed the beautiful Birds of Paradise, my favorite flower.  Mom’s favorite was Poinsettia.  I notice nature more and appreciate the simplicity of life. 

I brought home correspondence that my mom kept.  I read a bit of it now and then.  Today, I had two postcards.  One was a postcard Alan sent from Paris, postmarked July 19, 1993 when he was in Paris with Lauren and Carrie.  Alan wrote: 

Virginia, 

It was fun talking to you the other day.  I hope you had a good time in L.A.  Your trip to Santa Fe is only weeks away.  Paris is the PLACE. Great food, great sights, great people, great vacation.  

Love,  

Alan, Lauren, Carrie 

Another was from Gloria after mom had visited her and Jack in London.  Gloria wrote this postcard as she was still in London: 

Sunday, September 27th 

Dear Virginia, 

Just wanted you to know we miss you very much.  We really had a wonderful time with you. Hope everyone liked the presents you bought them.  Still doing the walking tours.  I went on an all-day tour today, but Jack stayed home as he was tired.  Christine called...she’s the student with orange hair. Remember her? 

Best Regards, 

Love, 

Gloria and Jack 

Feb 4, 2000

I was taken aback when Alan and I were walking on Santa Monica beach, and a sudden flock of seagulls just randomly flew all at once.  I felt it was a sign from mom.  Was it? 

Thank God for Alan.  If it wasn’t for his concept to feed me, I wouldn’t be eating. 

Alan is great at planning.  Last night, he acquired tickets for us to the GEFFEN PLAYHOUSE to see WIT at 7:30pm.  The only problem is that we saw it last night--but don't ask me what it was about.  My cousin, Jose Mercado, had a small supporting role as he's doing a Masters Theater Arts program at UCLA right now.  Jose's mom, Antonia, was my Dad's first cousin.  I'm supposed to meet him and his mom for lunch next week.  It will be good for me.

Actually, I remember now what the show, WIT, was about.  It's no wonder I practically blocked it out.  The play was about a 17th Century professor of poetry who is diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic ovarian cancer.  Not the best subject matter for me right now; however, I did hear this line in the play, and it resonated and stuck with me:

"Now is a time for simplicity.  Now is a time for kindness."

Feb 5 

Alan took a new photo of me by the lifeguard deck in Marina Del Rey.  I was trying to show a contented look.   It took Alan’s power of persuasion to get me to smile.  His random, silly jokes helped me. 

I received kind sympathy letters from cousins Marie-Antoinette and Sandra Donald, but they both had religious tones.  I wasn’t in the mood for that.   

Feb 6, 2000 

I accompanied Alan to the Mt. Washington Area of L.A. as Carrie was having her portfolio reviewed in her quest to be accepted to the Central Saint Martin Fashion and Arts School in London.  These things are good diversions, but I’m still floating.  Again, I feel my body is there, but my mind and spirit are elsewhere.  

Feb 7 

Movies are good diversions, too.  Alan and I went to see ISN’T SHE GREAT, starring Bette Midler and Nathan Lane.  It was a comedy (much needed) about the novelist Jacqueline Susann who wrote VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.  I loved her book ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH.   

Gloria gave me a daily handbook called HEALING AFTER LOSS.  It really helps me.  I read the daily passage each morning.  Today, I read it aloud to Alan as we walked to the beach.  In today's entry it more or less states:  

"In grief, time stops obeying the rules.  Days feel hollow or strangely distorted, as though they're happening at a distance.  But beneath that stillness something quiet is always stirring--small, hidden movements of healing that we don't recognize until later.  We go on breathing, remembering, hurting, softening ...and without noticing, we begin to grow around our loss.  Progress in grief is rarely dramatic.  It is subtle, tender, and real."

Boy oh boy...I can so relate to this book and the daily passages.  It's the best. 

‘I had been like a wild bird in a cage, given just enough bird seed by its captor to keep alive but not to thrive; doomed as time passed to lose the use of its wings, so that if ever released it would be unable to fly.  Now, at any rate, I got out of the cage.  I must soar anew through the boundless sky before it was too late, I had forgotten how to flap my wings.’--Lu Xun, Selected Stories from 1918-1926