Michael Joe Armijo's Blog

He discovered the magic reminder:  "keep living". --Richard Powers, ORFEO

May 3, 2000

During my walks to the beach, I often pass this Little Market.  I never go inside, and I always wonder about the types who do enter.  It must be the tourists because I know locals wouldn’t go in there.  Would they? 

I received a postcard from Cousin Sandra Donald in Pearl, Mississippi.  I’m sure I sent her the postcard because she has no way of getting postcards like this in a penitentiary.  Also, I loved this particular card so much.  It depicts Saint Anne’s Church and Kew Garden somewhere in England, photographed by James Bartholomew.  Sandra wrote: 

Dear Cousin, 

I am so thankful that you are feeling better these days. 

It seemed like April was such a long month.  I welcomed the month of May with a new attitude.   

I have been reading some Christian books about how one can feel a sense of rejections at the loss of a parent and, of course, I thought about you!  How we need to focus on one day at a time, keeping anew mind set, a positive clear mind and LORD how true it is.  I can get so depressed sometimes I don’t want to eat, just sleep.  It is not a good feeling but Thank God that he too went into the desert and wilderness, so we are not alone.   

You and Alan seemed to be enjoying yourselves in the picture you sent.  I appreciate hearing from you. 

Love,  

Sandy 

I also wrote in My Time for Mom Journal tonight before bedtime: 

11:40PM  

Dear Mom, I had a photograph of us enlarged into an 8 x 10.  Alan took the photo of ‘Me and you” in Florence, Italy next to the Arno River. I'm sure you remember the photo.  Well, I had it put in a beautiful gold ram.  I think I’ll bring it with me to the new loft in Tribeca, NYC.  I wanted you to experience future visits to me in New York and now that won’t come to pass. Of course, it saddens me, but I feel a part of you in me.  And that’s why you had me, isn’t it?  You have left a legacy, and I am part of it.  

I’m collecting TALENTED MR. RIPLEY memorabilia.  I may have told you that already. It’s because it’s the last feature film we saw together on Christmas Day 1999.  Hey, I just remembered taking you one Christmas to see SCHINDLER’S LIST and once to see FORREST GUMP and once to see THE TITANIC.  It's funny how I always picked the Oscer Winning pictures.  Well, THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY didn’t win in 1999.  It was AMERICAN BEAUTY which was also a good picture.  I don’t think you saw that one, but you may be watching it now. 

I just awoke from bed to light a candle and write you a few lines.  I’m still thinking of you like I always do/did.  

May 4, 2000 

I woke up early and continued to write to mom again.  

7:23AM 

I just remembered that tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo.  I had a flashback because I knew flyou were here at the same time last year visiting me in Los Angeles.  Do you remember celebrating Cinco de Mayo at the Santa Monica restaurant called La Serenata de Garibaldi?  There was a lady who was serenading the tables with her guitar.  You asked her to play “Mi Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin.  She said her daughter could do that.  That was a fun night.  You had such a good time laughing with me, Alan and Gloria. 

I glanced at my 1999 calendar and saw a few other memories. You arrived on April 30, 1999, and we attended the L.A. Antiques Show at the Santa Monica Air Center. We saw the film Never Been Kissed on Sunday at the Royal Theater on May 1st. That evening we saw a play called Lulu. The name of the play is familiar. 

On Sunday, May 2nd we went to Nate ’n Al’s for breakfast. You saw Larry King, Jeffrey Katzenberg (the K in DreamWorks SKG), and Lew Wasserman. You were always so nonchalant about those high society guys. I admired that about you. Hey, you were thrilled to see Goldie Hawn with her husband Kurt Russell. I’m glad you got a little thrill over one celebrity sighting while visiting me here in L.A. Kurt & Goldie were going to dinner at “Ivy at The Shore”, valeting their car in Santa Monica just as we had finished dinner at “Il Fornaio.” 

While you were here in May 1999, we saw the Sean Connery, Catherine Zeta-Jones film Entrapment. That was good, huh? 

On Monday, May 3rd, Alan & I took you & Gloria to the “Asia de Cuba” restaurant to discuss our Italy/Spain trip in Oct. ’99. 

On Tuesday, May 4, 1999, we went for a Bel Air power breakfast at The Bel Air Hotel. I wish I could take you to the Belvedere Restaurant at The Peninsula Hotel now. You’d love that. I think you watched The Dangerous Beauty on video to get a peak of Venice, Italy — way back when. 

You had a facial on May 5, 1999, and we had dinner at Spago Beverly Hills that night. I’m glad you came to dinner and spent time with me. On the last night you were here, we had dinner prepared by Gloria here at home. 

You left on May 7th because I know you wanted to be in Alameda for Ashley’s 15th birthday, Holly’s baseball game and the movie Election in S.F. Now I’ll be going to Alameda for her Sweet 16.  I hope she likes the painting.

In fact, I flew back with you to Alameda in 1999.   I just realized I was with you on Mother’s Day in 1999. I went to The Joy Luck Banquet with Helen’s family. Then Alan flew in on Monday morning May 10th to help your TV and computer get situated with cable TV service & @Home Cable (for the computer). It was all a year ago that this was happening. 

Life is worth living, Mom. It’s just difficult for me to feel your absence. Even as I do things, I feel pain. I know I’ll be healing for a long time to come as the pain moderates. I will gain confidence — eventually, I know. I will still be so proud that you have been my mother for 40 years. 

As I hiked with Alan the other day, I got him to talk about you. He said he was angry about your medical care, and he was angry at you. It upset me that he was angry at you. Although, he said he was angry when his dad left him at age 16. He said it took 15 years for his anger to go away. 

When I think of Dad — I can understand it more. In 1980 he had a mild heart attack, and the warning only changed his habits for a while. By August 1987, his cholesterol intake gave him another heart attack, this time fatal.  I still wonder if his morphine dosage that he was given didn’t kill him. I guess I was angry with the system. 

This time I feel angry about the way your doctors monitored you too late. It’s not your fault, Mom. I’m not angry at you. It was your time to go… to be with Dad, right? 

Today, I called my dear friend Monical Small who is now living in the Carmel-Monterey area. We had a wonderful talk.  I always enjoy speaking to her; though her marriage to some Christian guy in the Midwest seems to have fallen apart. 

...and then a letter from Barbara Reynolds: 

Barbara’s letter arrives like a long exhale — reflective, meandering, full of small observations that feel like a conversation carried across distance. 

She thanks me for the New York photo and tells me she finally escaped the house for a drive through the Pennsylvania countryside. Early May had transformed the landscape: lush green fields, rows of apple trees, everything waking up again. The outing left her feeling renewed, even as she was battling an irritated throat and hoping a course of antibiotics would clear it. 

Her thoughts wander easily between everyday life and the deeper questions that seem to hover in quiet moments. She mentions seeing the Australian film Titus, calling it a surprisingly gentle and powerful movie — one of the best she had seen in a while. 

Then she tells me about a radio interview that caught her attention — a woman discussing a book called Lights Out, about the way modern life disrupts natural sleep patterns. The idea that humans might naturally sleep far longer in winter fascinates her. For a moment she half-imagined disappearing for a few months just to relearn how to live in a healthier rhythm. 

But the most revealing moment in her letter comes quietly. She realizes that this is the first May in years when her vacation plans don’t include “David physically.” The realization startled her and brought a brief wave of sadness. 

Still, the letter turns gently upward. A walk with friends, conversation, laughter — and for a few hours she felt something like love again. 

“More shall be revealed,” she writes before signing off. 

It’s my Birthday month so Alan and I dined at CRUSTACEAN tonight in Beverly Hills and they had an extraordinary pyramid Mont Blanc dessert for me.   It was decadent. 

May 5, 2000 

This morning I called Sherri to get specifics about Dylan’s game.  It’s at Rittler Park. 

Besides work, Alan and I took an evening break to see UP AT THE VILLA at the Third Street Promenade.   It was the film that Anne Bancroft was filming in Florence Italy when Alan was there with his girls last year.   It was about a widow choosing a new husband and how it might not be her choice at all (starring Kristin Scott Thomas and Sean Penn).  I loved the escape to Italy parts of it, too.  I captured a photo in line at the box-office.  

May 6, 2000 

I flew to Oakland and rented a red FORD FOCUS.  I took a photo of Ashley in the driver’s seat.  It’s time to get her prepared now that she’s turning sixteen. 

Holly, Ashley and I also went to mom and dad’s gravesite in Hayward, and I took a photo of Holly there.  

I also snapped a photo of my nephew, Dylan, climbing a tree. 

 May 7, 2000 

I took Ashley and Holly to San Francisco, and I photographed them browsing for books.  I can spend hours in a bookstore or a library.  We were at BORDERS BOOKSTORE in the Union Square area.  It was busier than I expected.

...and I had forgotten to read my letter from Cousin Edna in Santa Fe, NM which I brought along with me and read before bedtime.  These were the highlights: 

The letter carried the steady warmth of someone who leads with faith and kindness. 

Edna told me she thinks of me often and hopes I’m managing my grief by staying close to family — and especially close to God. 

Her own life has been busy. She had just returned from Durango, Colorado, where the band The Malachi Group — with Rickie playing guitar — had been invited to perform for Cinco de Mayo celebrations in a small nearby community called Santa Rita. They ended up performing five times for different groups around the Durango area. 

Back home, life has hardly slowed down. Edna has been substitute teaching, organizing science projects and karate demonstrations, and helping with field trips.  

She writes the letter from the back seat of her car while Mike and Rickie browse plants inside a nursery — a quick note scribbled between errands before heading home. 

Then the tone shifts to something deeper. Edna shares her belief that God gives each of us exactly the span of life we need to fulfill our purpose before calling us home. Even babies who die young, she believes, are simply called early while they are still “little angels.” 

Before closing, she asks how my grandmother Genevieve is doing and suggests sending her flowers for Mother’s Day. 

“Please take care of yourself,” she writes gently. 

Love, 
Edna 

May 8, 2000 

Today I took Ashley to the Department of Motor Vehicles. She’s not wasting time on her Driver's License.  She’s a girl who gets things done. 

I contacted Dianna Wyman, the real estate agent, about the most recent Open House.  

I went through some basic steps with my brother, John, about the Charles Schwab website. 

I went to visit my grandmother (mom’s mom). 

It was Ashley’s big day.  She’s Sweet 16.  To think, fifty-five years ago on May 8, 1945, it was the end of World War II, Victory in Europe Day.  Ashley was happy blowing out the candles of her Birthday Cake.  I’m glad I was there.   

As her gift, I gave her a replica painting by Pietro Antonio Rotari, an Italian, of “Young Woman Writing a Letter”, painted between 1755-1760.   The original is at the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, CA. The painting reminded me of Ashley in another life, writing me a letter.  

May 9, 2000 

I went back to Los Angeles.  I had a letter waiting for me from Cousin Marie-Antoinette and this basically summarizes what she had to share: 

Marie-Antoinette begins her letter with an apology for taking so long to write, explaining that she wanted to set aside a proper moment for a “special cousin.” 

Her letter quickly turns reflective. She tells me she believes the loved ones we’ve lost are still watching over us — and that their lives, and the memories they leave behind, continue long after they are gone. 

A song from her childhood comes back to her: “Someone to Watch Over Me.” She remembers how popular it once was and how deeply people connected to its promise of quiet protection. 

Growing up, she admits, death frightened and angered her. It felt unfair and impossible to understand. But over time — through reading the Bible and other spiritual books — her perspective changed. 

Now she sees death differently: not as an ending, but as a doorway. 

“A door into a new glorious life which our Lord has prepared for us.” 

She writes about how in the evenings she works a graveyard shift at the hospital caring for babies.  She closes by thanking me for all the love I’ve shown the family and offers a simple blessing: “God bless you, Michael.” 

Then, in a small postscript that feels charmingly human after such a thoughtful letter: 

“P.S. Excuse messy penmanship.” 

By six o’clock that evening I was dining with Alan, Jack and Gloria at the FOUR SEASONS HOTEL in Beverly Hills at the new Thai/Malaysian restaurant there called WINDOWS (in the Garden Terrace) which was spearheaded by Chef Govind Armstrong. There’s no stopping me this month.  It’s still my Birthday Month! 

‘I had the invaluable knack of raising my left eyebrow all by itself.’--Alan Hollinghurst, OUR EVENINGS

‘The mind is a computer, so in the brief time it took him to make a step, a lot of probabilities and outcomes flowed through him.’--Harlan Coben, RUN AWAY 

April 26, 2000 

It was too nice a day to not go out to the beach once Alan returned home from his real estate obligations.  I captured Alan reading his finance magazine.  I had my book by Tony Parsons, called ‘man and boy’.    Alan took a photo of me in my bathing suit that no one will ever see.   

Later that afternoon I was in the mood to talk to mom, so I did: 

Dear Mom, 

Alan is at work. He had some business with his real estate, Ten West biz. I started to watch Passions… and then decided to go for a run.  I bet you’d get a kick out of me watching Passions now. It’s mainly because of you! 

Anyway, it happened again while I was running. The “Meet Virginia” song came on. I saw California Poppy flower flowers blooming along my pathway. It is definitely springtime. I felt sad because I remembered the many times I’d call you and say, “I just came from running.” 

You used to say, “I don’t know how you can run in that HEAT.” And just think — it’s not even summertime yet. Ha-Ha. 

I sure miss our phone calls and our plans to visit each other. We both got the most of California — from your visits here to Marina Del Rey, CA & mine to Alameda/Harbor Bay Isle. 

Earlier today, Alan and I took our lounge chairs to the beach to do some reading. As we walked, I remembered a time when you and I walked to the beach and I had you sit to watch the waves with me. It was only for about twenty minutes that we sat there to talk — but it was a wonderful memory for me today. 

Then while I was reading my book (called Man and Boy by the author Tony Parsons) I was startled by a screeching seagull. It felt like a sign of some sort… especially because I had just read a startling mishap at the end of chapter 16 in my book where a 4 year old boy had a very bad fall. 

I wonder — were you watching over me, Mom? I’d like to think so. I miss you and love you so much. 

By 7:30pm Alan and I were at the CINEPLEX in Century City to see the new movie, THE GLADIATOR.  If anything, it makes one want to get in better physical shape.  The movie was good and Russell Crowe and Joaquin were fantastic.  It was about a Roman General who sets out for vengeance against the corrupt emperor who murdered his family and sent him into slavery. 

April 27, 2000 

I finished the book by Tony Parsons.  Here’s my review: 

A British best-seller… 

B+ to this one!   I found this book at an airport bookstore in London, England.   It was a British bestseller at the time. I was intrigued by the title. It ended up reminding me how "lucky" I have been in my life. Life is unpredictable and we must be happy no matter what it takes. There was one event in the book that TOTALLY surprised me, catching me totally off-guard. That's a 'real find' in a book! This isn't a depressing book...it's a book about real-life, love and savoring the present moments filled with happiness. 

One Interesting line for me was said by the lead character, Harry Silvers' father as he was dying: 
"The worst thing about it", my father whispered in the darkness, "is knowing what you will be missing.  I don't mean the things that haven't happened yet—Pat's wedding day, seeing you finally settle down—but the things that you take for granted.  Seeing Pat ride his bike, telling him a story, kissing him goodnight.  Watching him running around the garden with his bloody light sabre.  All those small things that mean more than anything." 

It was time to talk to mom through my writing once again:

Thursday, 4-27-2000
6:40 pm

Dear Mom,

It’s a little before 7pm & it’s still daylight. Springtime is here.

I got a cassette tape of select songs made for me by MaryAnn Montoya-Gehling & her daughter, Staci. She also sent me a couple of M-M cookies. It was sweet of her. She really does love me. I really felt it today from the package she sent.

She even sent “Hello From Heaven,” a book by Bill & Judy Guggenheim about ADC (After Death Communication).

I think I’ve been contacted by you because I see you in my dreams. I remember one dream speaking to you in your kitchen, asking why you had to die & leave? You said, “You didn’t know…” You implied that you couldn’t help it.

I’m beginning to believe the force was so very beautiful that you couldn’t resist it.

I saw a movie last night called The Gladiator. The star of the film, Russell Crowe, who played the Gladiator.  He passed away at the end & I sensed his body rise & a door opened to beautiful light, whereas he saw his wife & son who had died.  He was reunited with them.

I know when I die I will see you so clearly & it will feel so good.  I will be happy to hear you laughing & smiling again. Of course, I’ll miss the friends & family I leave behind — but they’ll understand.  They’ll probably mourn for a while & move on… and one day they will see me again.  I guess it’s like a “Circle of Life.”

I’m thinking now that I wish I’d shared so much more with you while you were living. Then again, I’ve shared more with you than most people ever do, huh? I’m lucky… and your spirit is still living as I continue to write to you.

I feel bad for Princess Di’s sons because they were so young when they lost their mother.

I think Carrie Freiman was trying to make me feel better the other day when she said that her ex-boyfriend, Justin, went to a funeral of a co-worker who passed away in a fatal car accident. She was only 23 or so.

Thank you for being with me for over 40 wonderful years, Mom! I just wish I had 20 more. I guess the next 20 years we have together will have to be through my written words to you.

Alan is making Veggie Burgers… I just realized that we had Veggie Burgers the night you passed away. Oh great — now I’m going to think of that during every & any Veggie Burger now.  Ha-Ha.  At least I made you & me laugh just now. Ha-Ha.

I did abs today. I did “double abs” for yesterday & today with Alan.  We also went to the gym — so I’m taking care of myself. I’m trying NOT to withdraw & be forlorn because I know you don’t want me to.

“Just be happy,” Virginia said.

I can’t help but hear you clearly saying those words, Mom.  I’ll do my best.  And I’ll do my best to share the 50% that I have of you with your grandchildren.

OK — the Veggie Burgers are ready now.

More later —

April 28, 2000 

Paloma sent another email today.  I’m starting to really like this instant gratification versus waiting sometimes five days or more to receive a letter from her in the South of France.   

Paloma wrote after several busy days with a mix of frustration, humor, and curiosity about the world.  She had just discovered that the residence where she and Alex had worked tirelessly for eleven years might be sold—something they learned not from their employers but from a newspaper advertisement.  The revelation stung.  For years they had essentially run the place themselves, often working around the clock without supervision, never missing a day and rarely taking holidays.  Still, she tried to take the news philosophically, reminding herself that life eventually returns what one gives to it. 

With a touch of playful irony, she joked that if I happened to have four million dollars lying around, I could simply buy the residence and become her boss. 

Her message then wandered into the rhythms of everyday life and shared cultural references. She had recently watched the film A Simple Plan, describing the story of three men who discover a fortune in a crashed airplane and decide to keep it—a suspenseful tale she enjoyed because, like a film by Alfred Hitchcock, you never know what will happen until the very end. The movie starred Billy Bob Thornton, Bridget Fonda, and Bill Paxton. 

She also mentioned dreaming of the Seychelles after hearing about the islands from friends who had lived nearby in Réunion and Mauritius. Cruises, however, were not for her—boats make her sick—so the idea of being at sea reminded her instead of the unsettling cruise ship drama in Bitter Moon by Roman Polanski. 

At one point she reflected on nostalgia, wondering whether it was really the Spanish town of Moraira she missed—or simply the younger girl she once was when she lived there. 

Her email also carried bits of travel advice and family anecdotes. If I ever visited Orlando, she recommended trying the elevator ride at the old Disney–MGM Studios—an attraction she found surprisingly funny. She mentioned her son, Jonathan, returning from London who had stayed at a Novotel near Big Ben and complained that the city had “nothing—not even a McDonald’s,” a remark that made them laugh and perfectly captured the perspective of a child traveling abroad for the first time. 

She closed warmly, asking about my family—John’s daughters, Tony’s children—and promised to answer my letter again soon.  “More later,” she wrote. Love, Paloma 

I spotted a billboard for the film, FREQUENCY, and photographed it.  Coincidentally, Alan and I had just screened the film that evening.  I’m surprised the movie has not received many accolades as I found it a fascinating time travel mystery of suspense.  It starred Dennis Quaid and Jim Caviezel; whereby, there was an accidental cross-time radio link that connected father and son across thirty years.  The son tries to save his father’s life but then must fix the consequences.  Imagining how you can change things by going back in time was very much ‘for me’ right now. 

April 29, 2000 

Alan and I took a hike, and I stumbled on the most miraculous sighting.  It was just two cacti. The wild thing about it was the carving of MOM on one cactus and the cactus right above it was carved MIKE.  I couldn’t get over it.  Of course, that became my Photo of the Day. 

April 30, 2000 

The day felt of gloom, so Alan and I went to see an early movie called GOSSIP.  It was about three college students who base their class project around gossip and how fast it can spread.  Suddenly, it spirals out of control which made for a suspenseful psychological thriller—just what grabs my attention.  On the way back home, I spotted a cool billboard ad of the EVIAN MERMAID on Lincoln Boulevard in Santa Monica. 

It's time to talk to mom:

April 30, 2000
6:55 pm

Dear Mom,

Yesterday Alan & I went for a hike in The Palisades. I saw a cactus tree the other day & I wanted to take a photograph of it because it was sprouting these bright green baby cactus.

As I positioned my camera I noticed a lot of the cactus had engraved names & initials. Then I saw MOM on one of the cactus. And then next to the MOM was a MIKE on another cactus. It felt like a sign from you. It was one of my “Photos of the Day.”

It’s not even 7pm & the birds are chirping outside as the sun is starting to go down. I’d imagine you watering your lawn now. I’m feeling an anguish that your lawn is not being taken care of like you used to do.

I hope you don’t feel bad that we are selling the house. It is simply a house now. It was your beautiful home — but without you it is just a house now.

I’m sure you understand.

It looks like it will sell for $385,000. We had asked $395,000 but reduced it by 10 grand.

May 1, 2000 

My Birthday ‘month’ begins.  I took a photo of Alan and I.  We celebrated dinner at THE FARM in Beverly Hills, not a fancy place but good enough food. 

Paloma sent another email...and this message arrived with a tone that was both thoughtful and restless. She admitted she had been disappointed by something we had discussed, though she tried to brush it off with a bit of Spanish humor— “no hay mal que por bien no venga”—no bad thing without some good coming from it.  Still, she confessed that her work had become complicated emotionally.  Some days she loved what she was doing; other days she hated it so much she could hardly imagine continuing.  The situation would be easier, she said, if she worked for someone she respected.  As it stood, the owners paid dearly for the building but treated the people running it as if they were worth very little. 

Yet her mind was already turning toward possibility. 

Living in the spa town of Balaruc, she noticed how many doctors passed through the area—and how often their offices seemed disorganized. Phones rang unanswered; mail piled up while they were away with patients. A small idea began forming in her mind: what if she handled the calls and correspondence for several of them? Perhaps ten or fifteen doctors could each pay a modest monthly fee for someone reliable to answer phones and organize appointments. She imagined starting small, even offering the first month free just to prove it could work. More than the money, she said, she liked the idea of building something herself—of having “something to fight for.” 

Life around her, meanwhile, continued to bring its small curiosity.  Her brother, Edouard, had arrived with a friendly woman named Yvonne who dreamed of opening a nudist resort in New Mexico. Yvonne had already bought land—half a square mile of canyon country—and spoke of the project as if it were certain to exist within two years. The conversation made Paloma laugh, especially as she practiced her English describing it. 

She teased me about films as well, conceding that I might be almost as knowledgeable about movies as she was. We had recently been discussing the Roman Polanski film Bitter Moon, starring Peter Coyote and Emmanuelle Seigner alongside Kristin Scott Thomas. Paloma explained the clever French wordplay in the title: “lune de miel” means honeymoon, while “fiel” means bitterness—a love story turning sour. 

The note ended on a lighter domestic moment. Yvonne was preparing cheesecake that evening, proudly announcing it would be made the American way. She had even brought ingredients from the United States—graham crackers and sour cream—though Paloma suspected she might still prefer a true New York version. 

Before signing off, she added a simple line that carried the weight of the entire correspondence: “I miss you much.”  

Love, Paloma 

May 2, 2000 

It’s my second day of my birthday ‘month’.  Should I take another photo of myself.  Ha-ha...I did.  This time it was me in the backyard.   How boring but it’s not easy to decide what to photograph each day, so give me a break. 

My cousin MaryAnn in Colorado Springs sent a few Easter dinner photos with her grandson, Tanner, waving.  In one she was holding an Easter 2000 gift that her grandkids gave her, pointing out her Easter village and tree that she had decorated on her mantel.   She also sent a postcard of strange dude who happened to be General William Jackson Palmer, a Civil War hero and visionary builder who founded the city of Colorado Springs and the Denver and Rio Grande Railway.  She’s a history buff.  On this card, she wrote: 

Michael, 

Thought you would like a photo of General Palmer since I mention hi often. Notice pink rose stamps on my envelope I talked about it in the SBTS-Story Behind the Story.  I made roses like that in cake decoration.  These are the first photos to get developed.  There are more coming as soon as they are done processing them.  I hope you like them. 

Love you always,  MaryAnn 

“None of us may want to claim to live life in two parallel lanes but all have many lives, one tucked beneath or right alongside the other.” --Andre Aciman, FIND ME 

‘She had never known someone who loved to wander so much, and who was so captivated by the ordinary beauty of the landscape.’--Yuan Yang, PRIVATE REVOLUTIONS 

Snow Photo by:  Jesper Gotzsche, Viborg, Denmark

In April 2000 I was discovering something that now seems ordinary but then felt almost miraculous: the ability to exchange letters instantly across the Atlantic. 

Paloma and I had already been writing by post, but suddenly our conversations were happening daily through Hotmail—long, thoughtful messages that read more like letters than what we now call “emails.” 

She wrote from the south of France, often describing the small rhythms of her life. Some mornings she would sit on her terrace overlooking the Mediterranean, reading in the sun and watching the sea. She joked that she could tan for hours while Alexandre burned instantly. I could almost picture it: the bright light, the quiet, the salt air. 

Our messages wander everywhere, the way real conversations do. 

We talked about travel—Jonathan riding the Eurostar under the English Channel to London, a trip that still felt futuristic at the time. We talked about movies, Legoland, and childhood things that Jonathan loved. She mentioned how strange it felt that Paris to London was only thirty minutes beneath the sea. 

But just as often the emails turned reflective. 

Paloma told me she had found a diary she wrote when she was fourteen and wondered whether anyone should ever read the private thoughts of a younger self. That idea resonated with me—because I too kept journals and understood how personal those pages can be. 

There were also ordinary family stories that make letters feel alive: her brother Edouard visiting from Albuquerque, complicated relationships among friends and lovers, and the everyday dramas of family life. Through those details I glimpsed a whole world—people I had never met but somehow came to know. 

What strikes me now, rereading these messages twenty-five years later, is how sincere communication was. Nothing rushed. Nothing is abbreviated. Each message felt like sitting down to write a real letter. 

She once wrote something that captures the spirit of that exchange perfectly: 

“I find it important to communicate… it’s probably why we enjoy writing to each other so much.” 

And she was right. 

In that moment around the year 2000, before social media and texting took over, email was still a kind of digital letter writing—thoughtful, reflective, and surprisingly intimate. 

Those conversations with Paloma remind me that sometimes the most meaningful connections are built not through grand events, but through the quiet sharing of everyday life.

April 19, 2000 

I received a card from Cousin MaryAnn Gehling in Colorado Springs.  She is making a quilt for me, but the note was rather funny.  I had been sending her pieces of fabrics from my travels, too. 

Dear Michael, 

Do you remember the movie “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”?  Well, honey, I shrunk the quilt. 

MaryAnn 

My niece, Ashley, also sent a couple of postcards: 

Postcard #1: 

Hey Tio! 

Remember this show?  The two people on the right are together in real life. 

Well, I wanted to ask you a question. Remember when we went to that Holocaust Museum?  Well, we’re learning about the Holocaust in History class.  What museum was it?  And where was it?  E-mail me. 

Ashley 

Postcard #2: 

Hey Tio! 

I found a bundle of postcards, so I figured I’d send this card cuz I’m watching BUFFY.   

Anyways, I found out I’m arachnophobic.  I found a FAT one in my room and ugh!  I hate spiders so much.   

We watched SCHINDLER’s LIST in school, but I saw it before.  We saw it sophomore year in KOFFMAN.  TEEN PEOPLE has a book club now.  He-he.  You know I'm a member. Well, I’m going to be.  Did you hear Brittney Spear’s new song, OOPS I DID IT AGAIN? It’s ok, I guess, but her voice is hella voguey.  Well, running out of space. 

Love, Ashley 

It was PASSOVER 2000 and we had a group photo done (minus me, because I was the photographer).  

The surprise guests besides Jack, Gloria and Carrie were Herb Braha and girlfriend, Carol Velkes. 

April 20, 2000 

The earnings for MICROSOFT came out today.  They always have good earnings but it’s never good enough.  Ironic.   

I spotted a surfer, completing his surf today.  It became my Photo of the Day, today, April 20, 2000.   I sometimes wonder about surfers (or even strangers that I see at a cafe).  For example, what does this surfer do in his regular life?  Is it his day off?  Does he wish he had a boyfriend (or a girlfriend)?  What are his dreams?   

Alan and I saw a movie at the theater today called KEEPING THE FAITH.   It was a romantic comedy about two friends (played by Ben Stiller and Edward Norton).  Stiller became a rabbi and Norton became a priest.  They both fall in love with the same woman they knew in their youth—but the religious position of both men denies them romance.  The priest cannot break his vow of celibacy, and the rabbi cannot marry her since she is not Jewish. It was wild, but it was good.  I loved it and I loved this line from the film: 

“Sometimes we don’t know we’ve crossed a line until we’re already on the other side.” 

April 21, 2000 

Alan and I drove to the FARMER’s MARKET on Fairfax in West Hollywood, and we were bad boys because we had chocolate raised donuts with coffee there.  I loved driving down Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills.  The palm trees on that street are so grand, and it’s often featured in films and music videos.  

This Friday night, Alan and I escaped to see another film.  This time it was THE VIRGIN SUICIDES.  The title sounds grim, I know. It was about a group of male friends who were obsessed with five mysterious sisters.  The neighborhood boys narrate the story, and it takes place in the 1970s.  One of the sisters’ suicide attempt and the effects on their family in a suburban town are highlighted.  It was an unusual psychological drama, but I don’t need to see it again. Kirsten Dunst was one of the sisters (I like her).  And Josh Harnett was one of the neighbors (I like him).   

April 22, 2000 

I took a photo of our dogs:   PUFFY, KING, and FIFI.  I love them because they’re low maintenance and they never poop. 

A 1999 movie, a late one via videocassette at home, was chosen tonight called THE BIG KAHUNA.  This phrase (THE BIG KAHUNA) has a cultural connection to surfing and the Hawaiian beach culture, but the meaning has evolved over time.   KAHUNA (a Hawaiian word) used to refer to an expert, priest or a master in a particular craft.  In the 1950s and 1960s there was a famous Waikiki surfer that was jokingly referred to as THE BIG KAHUNA—but this movie wasn’t about surfers at all.   Instead, three sales representatives attend a trade show in the American Midwest to sell industrial lubricants.  They hope to meet a business executive that is referred to as THE BIG KAHUNA, and the comedy drama goes from there. Kevin Spacey and Danny DeVito were in the film along with this Italian handsome newcomer I’d never seen before: Peter Facinelli. 

April 23, 2000 

Alan and I took a walk along the Marina, and the reflections made me reflect on mom again, so I wrote to her in my private journal to her.  I needed to talk to her again.  So, here is how it went: 

4-23-2000 — 6:32am 
Easter Sunday 

Dear Mom, 

It’s Easter Sunday and I’m at St. Monica’s Church in Santa Monica, CA. I felt a need to be here today.  I came alone.  I can’t imagine Alan in a church.   I’ll never let you go. This is “my own” time to pray for you (and Dad). 

A couple of days ago, you made me cry. I wrote the following in one of Ashley’s forthcoming 16th birthday card: 

May 8, 2000 

Dear Ashley, 

I know your Grandma Virginia would have loved the opportunity to buy these NSYNC concert tickets for your 16th Birthday. And so, I’m doing it for her. If she were alive today here is what I think she’d say: 

Love, 
Uncle Mike 

Happy Birthday, Ashley! 

Sweet 16 — Never Been Kissed (like your movie “Never Been Kissed” starring Drew Barrymore). 

I’m so proud of my granddaughter. You are very special to me. You made me laugh and you made me cry; you’re the daughter I always wanted. 

Now — enjoy seeing LANCE of NSYNC (again!). I’ll be with you. 

Love Always, 
Grandma Virginia 
Love Never Dies 

(Then I cried… looking at a photo of you and Ashley.) 

Did I get it right, Mom? 

7:50am: I’m home. The mass is over. 

The Monsignor said: 

“We are born out of Love — 
We die into love — 
and we must, in-between — Trust Love.” 

I liked that. 

Tonight, Alan and I watched a film called RETURN TO ME. How fitting that I chose such a title.  Alas, this was another romantic comedy starring David Duchovny and Minne Driver.  A man (David) falls in love with the woman (Minnie) who received his wife’s heart via a transplant and must decide which woman it is who holds his heart.  Now, that’s a wild premise.  

April 24, 2000 

I continued the next morning, writing to mom and included a postcard of “Le Sirenuse, Positano, Italy”, where we stayed in October 1999. 

4-24-2000 — 6:30pm 

Dear Mom, 

Do you remember the place above? We were just there in October 1999. On Oct 13, 14 & 15th to be exact. 

I remember when you looked out the balcony & said, 

“Isn’t it beau-ti-ful.” 

I can almost hear the words now. 

I’m glad I got you to experience the beauty of it all. Who knows — you’re probably in a much more beautiful place now. 

I was thinking about the story the Monsignor told during Easter Sunday mass yesterday. He said there was a woman who learned she only had three months left to live.  She went to the parish to make her funeral arrangements.  She told the pastor that she wanted a fork in her hand as she lay in her casket during her memorial service.   

The pastor asked, “Why a fork?” 

And she said, “During all the church potluck dinners and festivities for fundraisers and benefits, I was always told to ‘keep your fork’!  And so, I always kept my fork in anticipation of the BEST dessert that was coming.,” she continued, “This way, during my memorial service, when people see the fork in my hand they’ll be reminded that something BETTER is coming.” 

Mom, I remember your first cousin, Marie-Antoinette, telling me that you are in ‘a BETTER place’.  I think you know I miss you.  I think you knew—if you ever passed away, like Dad, I’d miss you so very much.  Well, you’re right, mom.  I miss knowing that I can call you almost at any given moment and find you home.  You were my security.  I could always count on you being there.  Oh, listen to me, rambling on her.  I can't do this to myself.  I CAN COUNT ON YOU—even now.  I’m writing to you NOW.  And I’ll be with you one day. Somehow, dying doesn't’ seem so bad because we die into love and I know I’ll be seeing you. If anyone is mourning for me—they should be happy because I will have found you again.  

April 24, 2000 

My Photo of the Day was of me with the Super Bowl Teddy Bear, sitting on the sofa that felt like clouds.  Alan took this photo of me before we left for the movies. 

Yes, Tonight was movie night yet again.  This time it was THE SKULLS, this time a psychological thriller starring Joshua Jackson and Paul Walker.  A senior at an Ivey league college who depends on scholarships and work on the side gets accepted into a secret society known as THE SKULLS.  It was kind of creepy with crime intertwined.  It surely got my mind off things.  I hope I sleep well.  

April 25, 2000 

I noticed the beautiful blooming of the Birds of Paradise flower in front of our house today.  I also liked the beautiful words from a card my Cousin MaryAnn Gehling sent today.  It was a tad haunting as she spoke of her brother, Dave, who died during the Vietnam War—but she still talks to him: 

Michael, 

I just realized I’m writing you an actual letter—pink ink, pink envelopes, sealed in the old-fashioned way. Somehow that feels right. 

I talked to you briefly about the creeping phlox story. It was fun to hear your reaction immediately instead of waiting weeks to hear what you thought. Dave says the reason he wanted you and me to share that story is so we could see what he tells each of us. He wants us to know that he’s guiding us. He doesn’t want us to doubt it. 

He reminds me that we have a destiny together—something different from simply being cousins. This is the second time he’s mentioned the mysterious destiny, so the creeping phlox feels like a sign from Dave. 

When you open this box, you’ll see why it took me so long to reply to your email. I read the book I’m sending you—it took a while—but it’s the one I promised. My mother-in-law read it first and passed it on to me. I couldn’t resist commenting in pencil in the margins and underlining parts I loved. I’m curious about what you think of it. 

And yes—there are two cassette tapes inside. After I got your last tape, I decided to play around and make one of my own. I even made a little cover for the case, so it would look somewhat professional—though I’m sure it doesn’t quite succeed. I posed for the cover photo as if I lived in the 1920s… a bit of a provocateur for that era. 

I couldn’t send my music without explaining why I love these songs. I meant to write a mini book about it, but it still took days to finish. 

You may wonder what the other tape is. It’s from my daughter, Staci. She happened to be here when your tape arrived, and she rolled her eyes at the flair and drama of it—but she thought it was funny. She recently started a book club with friends, and they meet once a month. About two weeks after your tape came, she showed up with a tape she’d made for you. It’s some of her favorites. 

I’m not sure if that’s funny or just proof that she notices everything we do—she can’t admit we have good ideas. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the tapes. She’s been urging me to send them along. I’ve listened to them twice already. 

Well, Michael, it’s time for me to wrap this up and go to the post office. 

Love you lots, 
MaryAnn — aka “Treezy” 

P.S. A hibiscus from my pink lavender creeping phlox. 

...a couple of days later I had Alan photograph me—to send to MaryAnn---holding one of MaryAnn’s M&M Cookies with creeping phlox blooming in my own neighborhood.  I had never known what creeping phlox was until MaryAnn filled me in.  Now I see the beauty of it. The pretty of pink.  

Surfer 

I once met a surfer on the shore 

Lithe and lure to the core. 

A brazen, blond man, 
With a bronze tan. 

Watch him glide and ride a wave, 
The thrill of the ocean share the crave. 

Lean and handsome human machine, 
Movie magic, all-American clean. 

One wonders of his exhilarating zest, 
He’s already splashing refusing to rest. 

Wet and dripping across the shoreline 
Imagine him dining with Bordeaux wine. 

Wonders never cease for lovers of the beach, 

They are rarely within one’s reach. 

Shower the sand from his feet, 

With one look your eyes meet. 

It’s fun to watch and check him out 

You’d almost expect him to go ’n shout. 

Between two cars he removes the wet suit 
Holding your fruit you’re ready to shoot. --Michael Joe Armijo, 12/16/2000 

 

  

Torment 

A teacher torments with a pop quiz 

Hair stands on end… in a frizz 

Tis painful when hurt with a thorn 

It’s a rose we need or a newborn 

Sensitive to all that’s harsh and hard 
Take a pen and write a card 
To be abrupt, loud to argue 
Accommodate, negotiate is all I ask you 

Life is never simple or easy 
Your inner soul and stomach feel queasy 
Where to go – which way to turn 
Options seem nil – like a burn 

Why would one yearn to torment me? 
If not you – who then, you see? 
A loss of strength is all that’s here 
Don’t run in haste and grab your gear 

Silence and sunshine felt on my face 
From a rapid pace and vicious race 
Return with arms outstretched and open 
Embracing with love is all we’re hopin’.

by Michael Joe Armijo, 12-16, 2000 

April 12, 2000 

The flight from London to JFK-New York was swift.  Before long Alan and I were fine dining at Lespinasse in the St. Regis Hotel.   This restaurant opened around 1990 with the executive chef, Gray Kunz (Swiss born chef born in Singapore), but he left the restaurant in 1998 to pursue other gourmand dreams.   Our chef on this night was the French chef named Christian Delouvrier.   The legendary King Cole Bar with the Maxfield Parris mural was the place that invented the Bloody Mary (but they call it the Red Snapper there).  

April 13, 2000 

Alan and I walked around the city, and we love the people one can watch around Columbus Circle.  Sitting there at the corner of Central Park you can see people passing by from All-Over-the-World.  It’s as if you don’t have to travel because all the globe is passing you in front of your eyes. 

On this day we went to see Annabelle Schechter, the real estate agent handling the sales for the loft we are buying at 66 Leonard Street in Tribeca, NYC.  We took a walk through and saw the status.   

Later that night we dined late (9:15PM) at Guastavino’s (named after a Spanish architect Rafael Guastavino) that is directly under the 59th Street (Queensboro) Bridge.  The place was situated inside the Conran Shop (a British designed furniture store).  The dining room had these huge cathedral vaulted tile ceilings and multiple levels.  What a space! 

April 14, 2000 

Alan got a new haircut, and it looked very much like an Elian Gonzalez haircut.  In case you don’t know, Elian is the six-year-old boy who was at the center of a high-profile international custody dispute between members of his family that also involved Cuba and the USA.  It was a dramatic story because Elian, his mother and her partner fled Cuba by boat as part of a group of refugees attempting to reach the USA.  The boat sank and Elian’s mother, along with most of the passengers, drowned.  Elian was found floating on an inner tube and rescued by two fishermen who turned him over to the US Coast Guard.  

We walked and I fell in love with the copy of a billboard which read “RETURN YOUR MIND TO IT’S UPRIGHT POSITION”.    We also walked by NASDAQ headquarters, feeling the pulse of business.  

To round off the night we saw a Christian Bale film called AMERICAN PSYCHO.   I loved the opening scene when he did his morning fitness and grooming routine.  I wanted to carbon copy it---but not his life.  What a creeper!  He literally was a psycho. 

April 15, 2000 

Alan was on Fifth Avenue as we still had the morning and day to enjoy New York.  Our flight left at 8pm for Los Angeles, arriving at about 11pm—just in time for bed.  I had mail waiting for me.  I managed to read a few pieces before bedtime:  

From my cousin, Laura Whithorn, in Denver, Colorado: 

Hi Michael, 

Just sending you a postcard to remind you how cool Colorado is and that you should plan a visit soon. 

Love,  Laura 

From my cousin Shawn West and wife, Reina in Castro Valley, CA: 

Michael, 

We are very happy with the new addition: “Brandon Tyler” to our family.  We hope you will meet with him soon.  Thank You for the adorable stroller blanket and the toddler learning book and CD.  We hope all is well with you and look forward to the next time you’re in town. 

Love, Shawn, Reina, Dana and Brandon 

From my niece, Leigh Erin Armijo: 

Dear Uncle Mike and Alan, 

I love the stationery you sent, it’s great!  I can’t wait to read the book. It looks really good and I bet it will be interesting.  The duck with the bath stuff is so cute, and I will have to read about New York, about history and all the interesting sites.  I can’t wait to see you in July when we go to New York.  I bet it’s going to be really fun! 

I miss you so much and wish we could see each other more often.  Thank you so much for all my gifts.  I love them all. 

Love, Leigh 

P.S. Mom and Lauren miss you very much and love you very much.  

April 16, 2000 

My other bits of correspondence were from Patty Richfield (cousin in Philadelphia), Sandra Donald (cousin in Pearl, Mississippi), and Marie Antoinette (cousin in Pueblo, Colorado). They were more follow-ups with endearing words about how I am doing.  Marie-Antoinette  wrote: 

 “I know there’s a great void in your life right now, but I pray that it’s filled with lots of joy and happiness during this Easter time and always”.   

The part about ‘A Great Void’ really clinched the aura of my days right now.   I keep it quiet, but I do feel ‘A Great Void’.  

I took some time to write back to Paloma because I loved her last letter which included such beautiful sympathetic words.  I chose a loving Panda Bear card for her. Paloma's Moraira childhood memories of that small seaside town in Spain’s Costa Blanca within the Valencia region sounds like a must-go kind of place.  

Oh! Paloma, 

It’s Sunday night and I’m writing to you as I watch the classic movie “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” which is on TV right now. 

You expressed yourself very well in sorting out the things you wanted to tell me. I appreciate every word you wrote. This is a difficult time for me. I still think of my mom. I’ve had dreams where I have spoken to her. Sometimes I just can’t believe it. She’s watching over me with a smile, and she’d want my life to go on as happily as I can make it. And so, I’m trying. Your most recent card helped me. And—even if you’re not here with me—you are (indirectly) crying with me and hugging me, and that certainly makes me feel good. 

Moraira sounds like a special place. I’d like to go there one day. Didn’t you visit a French Island off the coast of Africa once called the Seychelle Islands [or something]? You described it with WHITE soft sand. It would make an ideal tropical vacation. Perhaps a cruise around the Greek Islands. Have you ever been on a cruise? I have not—but I think a nice one around the Greek Islands would be beautiful, I guess nothing can compare to Moraira though, huh? You were probably the cutest little girl growing up there by the sea. 

You love the same movies as I do. I loved “THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION”. I’d like to see that one again. 

Congratulations on your new place in Sète, France.   I think you made the right decision. It’s good for Jonathan to stay in the best schools and be around his friends. He’ll be undergoing an adjustment if that was taken from him. You are such a good mom. Art, vacations, family and memories are more important than the big luxurious houses, etc. You made me laugh about meeting in Vegas before we turn 70. Wouldn’t it be fun if we (just you + I) could go on a vacation. I would love that. I guess Alex + Alan wouldn’t be too thrilled—huh!? Oh well—I can wish sometimes—can’t I? 

Lauren is studying Italian and Humanities in Florence, Italy, but she has been accepted to NYU’s Stern Business School starting in Sept. 2000. We had a great time seeing her. It seemed like we were gone a month, but it was only two weeks. 

We had fun shopping in Milan at these discount outlets and at a PRADA outlet in a town about an hour out of Florence. I bought a cool PRADA suit. I’ll send you a photo as soon as I get the pictures developed. 

That's cool that Jonathan will or may go to England.  That will be a great experience for him.

I’d love for you and Alexandre to visit Alan and I at the loft in New York. You know you are both welcome to stay for a few nights. We have a spare bedroom and a sofa bed. Of course, now they say the loft won’t be ready until mid-June — so we are figuring mid-July. We’ll see. 

I’m so impressed that you caught the Jean-Georges Vongerichten restaurants on French TV. I had breakfast at the Mercer Kitchen in Soho once. 

Alan and I just returned from Italy and New York last night. We’re both kind of tired and we have a busy week ahead of us. I had so much mail when I got home. 

So—how are you doing on the computer? I haven’t received an e-mail from you. 
I got your new email address, so I’ll try it + see how quickly you respond!  Well—until the next letter.  Thinking of You, 
Love Always, 
Michael J. Armijo 

For dinner, Alan and I went to LUCQUE’s in West Hollywood with Carrie, Gloria and Jack.  It was quite a treat of togetherness. 

April 17, 2000 

I had a 10AM dental appointment for a temporary crown.   I hate that but it’s for the common good of my mouth.    

On a good note, Ferne Marshall Theis, sent me a check for $250 for her financial consultation. I guess that pays for part of my dental work.  

Alan surprised me with a beautiful write-up in anticipation of our Anniversary (the 20th of each month) on April 20th.  He wrote it in two parts (on April 14th and 15th) and he gave it to me early.  I needed it: 

April 14th 

Dear Michael— 

Well, it has truly been an exciting vacation in so many ways.  Who would have ever guessed what happened today in NY as we stood outside the NASDAQ at 4:45?   We have been through so much together over the years, and we get stronger.  I feel that we now have shared the upside and downside of all facets of life.  We love each other through it all.    So now we must continue to enjoy each other whether over a bagel and tuna at the Chelsea Market or at L’Espresso at the St. Regis. 

Thanks for being so loving to Lauren all the time. She loves you so much and needs your perspective. 

In life, thanks for staying accurate to some love commitments. We have to value these relationships, not NASDAQ. These are all on paper—our love is not. Of course, upside doesn’t hurt— 

Don’t forget we finally met someone at 66 Leonard who owns the plane flying over Manhattan. I can’t wait until the loft is finished, maybe by then we can afford a Bentley. 

Again—a great vacation here to always remember, now it’s time to vacation in sunny California. 

Love You, 

Alan 

April 15th 

So, what do we do next?  Well, we eat veggie burgers, go running, work-out, go hiking—re-evaluating all our portfolios, continue to be happy, enjoy every day. It seems that we now can’t leave the country, so let’s stay home for a while, and watch the market recover. 

I did enjoy peering through the Nasdaq glass at Tim Costello on yesterday’s historic collapse. 

I also enjoyed our walks at Chelsea Market but next time let’s stick with movies in Los Angeles and shows in New York. 

I love you, Alan 

Happy Anniversary” 

You see the only real importance is to have each other and be happy and healthy. Of course, riches are nice to have too, so let the market go up again. After a trip like we have had plus three movies we should be very thankful for our good times and realize the strong bond we have for each other. As the years pass, every day is a celebration whether the markets move up or down as long as I’m with you. 

Alan’s words were so tender, written during the NASDAQ crash of April 2000, standing outside of NASDAQ in NY, focusing on love over money.  I love that he wrote this line: 

“Every day is a celebration whether the markets move up or down as long as I’m with you.” 

Alan's 'Elian Gonzalez' haircut is still holding up and I keep teasing him about it.  The new TIME magazine arrived and I made him pose with it as mini memory.

Now to share what I wrote to my mother while in the UK and Europe.  I think I will aptly title it... 

The Great Void 

London, England – 4am @ Brown’s Hotel 

April 1, 2000 

Dear Mom, 

It’s time. It’s been a little over 2½ months now since you passed away on January 24, 2000. So, what a better place than London to continue my communication with you. I know how much you loved London when you traveled here all by yourself to stay in Knightsbridge at the flat that Gloria & Jack Cohen leased. It was a little after Princess Diana passed away that you were here. 

I awoke at 3am here at The Brown’s Hotel in the Mayfair/Piccadilly area. I was thinking about our last conversation together around 8pm on Jan. 24, 2000. 

“You sound a little nasal. Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. 

Do you remember when I asked you that? You seemed to hesitate for a moment but then reassured me that you were fine. I sensed that you may have been keeping something from me. I knew you had a follow-up doctor appointment on February 1st, so I didn’t pursue the topic. However, now when I look back, I think you knew something was wrong. You yourself weren’t sure of ‘the seriousness’. 

I’m positive about that. Isn’t that correct? You wanted to live. I know you did because you managed to call 911. 

Well, it happened. Due to the mysterious and powerful source, you ultimately reunited with Dad. Now I must accept this and adjust accordingly. 

It’s hard, Mom. It’s because I miss you so much. I miss our daily talks that we used to have. Sometimes we’d call each other 2, 3 or 4 times a day. You were and will always be my best friend. You have been my strongest bond since the day I was born on May 26, 1959. 

Brussels, Belgium Airport – Noon 
April 1, 2000 

Dear Mom, 

I’m almost finished reading the book I bought you called “Baby Love.” You know the book about the twin redheads. I’m in the epilogue portion so I’ll be finished soon. I’ve been reading it during my airtime. You were right; the book is good. 

You probably remember that I told you Alan & I were traveling to Florence, Italy to see Lauren during her N.Y.U. semester there. To think—I was with you in Florence in October 1999. I will have the photo of us by the Arno River enlarged and framed. 

Alan is in line waiting to get a Hertz Rent-A-Car. Coincidentally, the music playing here at the airport is the main tune from the movie “Ghost.” I watched that film about two weeks or so after you passed away. Is this song a sign from you? 

The tune says, “I Need Your Love…” I do, Mom. I need your love — but love never dies — so I know I have your love. The question is how do I live without you? 

I was reminded by Mary Ann Gehling (Dad’s first cousin on the Garcia side) that love never dies. Love is forever. That’s very comforting to me. 

Mother’s Day is celebrated in London tomorrow, April 2nd. It was tough to see all of those Mother’s Day reminder signs all over London. In May, I plan to still buy you a Mother’s Day card when it’s celebrated in the USA. 

I still need you at significant times, so I’ll keep writing to you as long as I have to. 

I also read “One True Thing.” That’s the other book I bought that you also really liked. I’m glad I read it. Reading things you’ve read brings me closer to you during those many minutes that I couldn’t be with you while you were living. 

I enjoyed watching one of your taped videos recently also. It was “The Secret Life of Doris Duke,” starring Lauren Bacall. It was very well done. Alan and I watched it, but we didn’t like the way the main butler and her adopted daughter treated her. Alas, such is life. It’s full of ups and downs, isn’t it?   Doris Duke seemed to have more downs in the movie. I hope one day they make a film showing the very positive days of her life. I’m sure she had many “up” days. 

Mom, I miss you. You know that. You knew I would. 

I e-mailed Mary Ann that being in London makes me think of how I’d travel and see things or experience things and tell her about them by phone or postcard or letter. I’d also think to myself that I’d share similar experiences with you. 

I know we did a lot together, but I always felt we had more time. It’s like I used to tell you: 

“You never know when it’s your turn. I could go before you.” 

8pm – Amsterdam @ The Amstel Intercontinental Hotel 

A part of me is happy that I survived you. I know you would have been devastated if I had passed away before you. I suppose it’s logic that a parent would pass away before a child — although when it happens, “WHAM + OUCH.” 

I wish I could have brought you to Amsterdam, Mom. You could be laughing at me right now because you can probably see the entire universe wherever you are. 

I saw a sculpture at the Van Gogh Museum today of a nine-year-old girl. It was a bust of her head, and her name was Marie (as in “Virginia Marie” — your name). When these things happen, I feel like you’re giving me a message.  Perhaps you are. I like the idea of knowing you are. I also like knowing that 50% of me is you. 

Alan & I are going to dinner at the hotel restaurant “La Rive,” that has a gorgeous view of the canal. My eyes will see for you if you should be blinking while I’m away.  

A Photo My Mom Kept 

Mom is so often in my dreams 
Getting ready for bed, using cold creams 
I’m a lucky son – this I know 
Her love wasn’t embarrassed to show 

In a secret drawer in her room 
As I mourned and felt such gloom 
There was a photo Mom kept 
The very sight of it, this son wept 

It was a photo from 1996 
Taken in Los Angeles with no tricks 
Just me smiling, gleaming in my eye 
Knowing she’d look at it made me cry 

The older I get old photos look better 
I can still write her a letter 
When I was not at her place 
Photos of me and others around her lace 

It brought her comfort when alone 
I realize the feeling now that I’m grown 
The photos of Mom that I now keep 
Comfort me in my deep sleep.

by Michael Joe Armijo, 12/16/2000 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘A good film was a film that had an idea; a film that moved people; a film that worked with them in the difficult task of “being”; a film that gave them a dream to take with them, a dream they could hold on to in this life, which is not always so easy.’--Nicolas Barreau, ONE EVENING IN PARIS, a novel 

April 5, 2000 

Alan and I woke up this morning in Florence (Firenze), ITALY.   We ventured over to see Lauren at her NYU location for the Spring semester abroad.  The scenic NYU-Villa Canaletto was quite special.  Both Alan and I wish we were students again.  

One of Lauren’s classmates, Mike Roth, was in the computer lab, and I snapped up a photo of Alan with him—not sure what he was researching.  It looked like Alan was evaluating or analyzying. 

Alan took a photo of me at the NYU-Villa gardens, and that night Lauren gathered a few of her NYU pals (John, Abrima Erwiah, and Paul Rosenkampff).  They all have such great personalities.  We dined at TAVERNA DI BRUZINI.   

John went up to the pianist and sang the Frank Sinatra tune, My Way, while we were in the lobby of the Grand Hotel (where Alan and I were staying.).  I loved that he did that.  He sang very well.  I think I could only sing Row Row Row Your Boat.

April 6, 2000

Lauren had this pond view from her apartment which was located at #79 Via B. Latini.

Lauren flew with us to MILANO.  She had a few days to escape Florence.    

While in the hotel I had a couple of unread letters I had brought along.  One was from my niece, Ashley.  On a RUGRATS card she wrote:   

Hey Uncle Mike, 

I never mailed the letter to you, so I’m writing a new one about your EBAY “Vanity Fair” auction.  Nice profit!  Of course, I know who Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain are!  I remember when you signed me up for a pen pal and I had this pen pal from Australia named SARA BOOTH.  She loved Kurt Cobain.   Of course, he was alive when she liked him. 

I haven’t gotten any MIT stuff yet.  I finally picked up one of the college books you gave me.  The essay part sounds like a drag and ugh—like all the examples of activities are like Student Body Pres!  

Thanks for signing up for KIKI box.  I don’t usually get to go there that much, but it’s cool.  

I like your Pictures of the Day and the little frame stickers.  Puff-Puff! 

PASSIONS on Friday was so good!  I’ll give you the buzz:  So, the gang is up in the snow (Charity, Theresa, Ethan, Chad, Whitney...).  Kay tried to seduce Miguel and was in the hot tub with no top and instead of Miguel coming, Reese came!  And he hopped in with her and then Miguel and Charity came in. He-He.  So, anyways, yesterday, Tabitha set up a bomb that caused an avalanche (you were right!) while Charity and Miguel were up there.  Meanwhile, Whitney and Theresa were staying at the Crane Cabin because they didn’t make reservations.  Chad and Ethans were coming up there to plan music for the wedding, and they thought Theresa and Whitney were burglars, so they attacked them.  There were in towels and Chad pulled off Whitney’s towel.  The four of them went skiing and Ethan and Theresa were together while Whitney kept thinking about Chad and she doesn’t want to like him, so she tells Theresa they need to go home because she doesn’t want Theresa to get hurt.  She really does want to go because she doesn't want to think about Chad, so they leave.  Then the avalanche comes at them, and Ethan and Chad try to save them.  That was the end of the show! 

Finally, some action in PASSIONS.  Did I ever tell you that the lizard is alive?  I was relieved.  Guess what?  For this quarter I got a 3.8 GPA.  That is the best I’ve ever had at AHS.  I got all A’s and a B in Geometry.  Usually, I get a 3.30, not counting Lincoln School.   

I posted up some new NSYNC posters in my room but just on my closet door.  Now I’m running out of things to write about, so I’ll let you go.  Talk to you soon. 

Love, Ashley!  

The letter was so good I figured I’d wait to read Barbara’s letter tomorrow night. 

For dinner tonight it was just Alan, me and Lauren at RISTORANTE DA GIACOMO. 

April 7, 2000 

While we were in Florence Alan and I went to the PRADA OUTLET and Alan purchased a forest green colored MIU MIU jacket that I loved.  I photographed him on the streets of Milan.   

Later, I felt I needed a haircut.  I found Max at DIMENSIONE DONNA Salon.  He was rather flamboyant—but smug at times and fun once he let his hair down.  He gave me his card and number.  

Barbara’s letter was zipped up in my bag and I chose to read it tonight. She used an odd mixed media card to write me: 

Dear Michael, 

Wow.  Thank you for the “ALAN” photo.  David even said he looked very nice—an understatement.  Right!   

I am hoping you have a good trip.  A month from now I will be on the East Coast. 

The official opening of Pacific Bell Ball Park is coming soon.  Crowds of folks will be walking along Third Street to attend the game there.  I will soon get myself to walk there during an off day. 

Beautiful Spring days over the past few here.  Saturday was almost wintery and I noticed a 10:50AM show in Emeryville for ERIN BROCKOVICH.  I called Alice and she was ready and willing to see it with me.  After we enjoyed the film, we walked around to see if there was anything else to see.  RETURN TO ME was going to start soon so we followed other ticket holders and found a seat.  It was a beautiful film because it is set in Chicago (Alice’s hometown).  It was a sweet story, and we laughed and cried a lot. 

I am reading HARRY POTTER AND THE SOURCERER’S STONE by J.K. Rowling.   Rowling is a Scotch lass.  I guess the book is kind of popular.  I am enjoying it and I’m surprised since I NEVER read. 

Your mom’s house...has it sold yet?  Didn’t you grow up there?  I guess now is a good time to sell. 

I took off yesterday and did some clean up and had help from our fix-it guy, John.  We now have a trellis in our place for our wandering roses.  John is a treasure. 

I will be taking off next Tuesday as a non-paid day.  I want to see if I can manage working four days a week. 

I planted three more rose bushes ten days ago.  I guess since our cross street is Rose Street it is a good area for roses.  They do seem to do well here.  

I’ve decided to hold on to David’s computer for at least six months and bought a wood desktop with sort of wooden drawers.  I hope David can help me when I am ready.  I need to bring in another phone jack first, that will be fun for me. 

Last night, I had my last celebration for my birthday with my ex-neighbor, Irene.  She is seventy and keeps me young.  We had dinner at the Oakland Organic Cafe.   

Today I have a non-aggressive bus driver.  DRAT...oh, we made it. 

Do you know about the seven planets of Taurus (May 2nd and 3rd?).  It should be interesting. 

Love, Barbara 

April 8, 2000 

Alan, Lauren and I had dinner at SCARLETTA RISTORANTE and we took a photo together with the Chef.   

April 9, 2000 

We left Milan by car to Portofino and then on to Florence to take Lauren back to school. I liked our view from the EXCELSIOR HOTEL.   

I captured a good photo of Lauren and Mike Roth at the CAMILLO RISTORANTE.   

April 10, 2000 

On our last day in Florence and Alan and I did well on our time walking all about the city.  We never made it to the Uffizi Museum.  The line was just too long.  

April 11, 2000 

We flew from Florence to London and saw THE GRADUATE on stage.   It was well worth it. Now I wish to see the movie again. 

On April 15 we will be back in Los Angeles, but we still must fly to New York City tomorrow, April 12th.  We are making the most of our time. 

‘He felt a great deal like an amnesia case must feel, upon waking in some foreign land where he had never been and hears the language that he cannot understand, having only a vague, dream-haunted picture of how he ever got there.’--James Jones, FROM HERE TO ETERNITY 

 

‘He devoted all of his mental powers to examining the situation from every point of view.’--Maurice LeBlanc, THE TEETH OF THE TIGER 

March 29, 2000 

We are thriving in New York City on this day that happens to be Leigh Armijo’s Birthday (age 12).  After lunch with Margaret Kohn, we ventured into shops like Bed & Bath, the Broadway-Soho vicinity, and I spotted a Don Knotts billboard that said it all about the sign of the times: ‘Aunt Bee Gets Her Tongue Pierced’.  Ugh.  Why do people do these things? 

We ventured into Times Square later in the night to see the lights and for me to take another photo or two. There is no time to see a Broadway show because we have a morning flight tomorrow to London.  We depart at 8:30AM and arrive at Heathrow at around 8PM. 

March 30, 2000 

While in London we passed a VERSACE store and I noticed the Donatella Versace dress that Jennifer Lopez wore to the recent Grammy Awards.   

Alan was happy and I had to photograph him next to a Foreign Exchange currency sign because we were talking extensively about the exchange rates and how these little places rip you off.  Don’t go to them?  Use your ATM card.  

We got tickets to the London Theater Stage Production of THE GRADUATE.  I’m so excited about it, probably more so than Alan.   Alan wanted great seats, so we got the tickets of April 11th at 8pm in the GIELGUD THEATRE.   Actress Kathleen Turner will be playing the part of Mrs. Robinson.  Two unknowns: Matthew Rhys will play Benjamin Braddock (the Dustin Hoffman part from the film) and Kelly Reilly will play Elaine Robinson (the Katharine Ross part from the film).   

April 1, 2000 

Not much time to write in my journal so I’m only doing a little scribble.  This morning, I photographed Alan at the BROWNS HOTEL in the Picadilly area of London (where we stayed in Room 236 on the 5th Floor, shouldn’t it be room 536 or the 2nd Floor—odd).  By evening we flew to Holland and were at the Amstel Intercontinental Hotel in Amsterdam.   Happy Birthday, Alan!  I wish I knew how to say that in Dutch.   

April 2, 2000 

We enjoyed breakfast in the breakfast room of the Amstel Intercontinental Hotel (where we were staying).  The waiter told me that just yesterday, Bill Gates was seated in my seat.  That was cool to know.   

Now my niece, Holly, is age 12 today.   I heard music in Amsterdam that I liked and bought the CDs of SAVAGE GARDEN, DESTINY’s CHILD and 2-GETHER for a total cost of $20.  

What to do today?  Alan asked for the concierge, and he recommended we go to KEUKENHOF because it is the break of Springtime and all the flowers and tulips are there.  I whispered to Alan, “Why don’t we just go to the corner florist?  We don’t need to do that.” 

Alan laughed at me, “No, we must do it.”

I’m so glad we did.  Alan knows how to examine each situation smartly.  It was the most beautiful place.  My mouth dropped by the sight of the green and the colorful flowers.  I had never seen SO MANY TULIPS in my life.  I think after Birds of Paradis, tulips are my favorite flower now.   

April 3, 2000 

There’s a billboard of some male model in Amsterdam that we kept seeing, and Alan says I look like him.   

“Hmmm,” I replied, “maybe just the smile.” 

April 4, 2000 

We had our Coffee of the Day at the Amstel Intercontinental Hotel and departed for Florence, Italy.  We are excited to see Lauren there who is having her semester abroad from New York University.  We will meet her classmates, too.  

‘It was a real thrill to find that if I needed to write—really truly needed to—I could block out just about anything in order to get it done.’--Yael Van Der Wouden, THE SAFEKEEP, a novel  

So that’s how it happens.  I’ll get distracted by life.  The wounds will be covered by pleasant moments that I used to take for granted.  Hopefully, the pleasant moments will become more frequent, and longer lasting.  Because if I keep living in the past, I won’t survive.’--Ellen Marie Wiseman, THE PLUM TREE 

March 22, 2000  

A day of COSTCO, American Express and the bank---typical errands followed by noticing the beauty of Palm Trees at Bay Street and Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica. 

Gloria wrote a beautiful card signed by her and Jack.  The image is from a Lorenza de ‘Medici in 1992 from TUSCANY THE BEAUTIFUL COOKBOOK.  There was a recipe for Artichoke Risotto on the back of the card, but I don’t care about artichokes and risotto is a good way to ‘fatten up’ (not something I need or want).   

Also, I received a postcard from Barbara Reynolds in Berkeley of LA CREATION DE L’HOMME (The Creation of Man) by Marc Chagall. Barbara wrote sweetly: 

Hello there... I bought this card for you yesterday at the Magnus Museum, the Jewish Museum in Berkeley.  My friend, Myra, stayed with me on Sunday and Monday evening.  She was willing to go to this exhibit of Chagall which wasn’t too big.  They did have a nice collection and a very informative video.  I have always loved Chagall's work.  I knew so little about him--born in Russia, Belarus as a Jew and was motivated to get to Paris, living to be over 94 years old.  Myra wanted to see THE NINTH GATE (a psychological thriller starring Johnny Depp, Frank Langella, Lena Olin) and I enjoyed it.  It was very 'tongue and cheek' and I like Johnny Depp.  I got your film photo and enjoyed it.  Thank you.  Any amazing photos of late?  How are you doing?  Thank you for calling.  Love, Barbara

March 23, 2000 

Ally (one of my five nieces) is age 10 today (it’s also Barbara Reynold’s birthday).   I sent Ally a Tafetta Barbie and a Barbie book because I knew she liked Barbies, I hope she still does. 

Alan and I went to the Getty Museum.  It’s so beautiful up there and it’s a wonderful way to clear one’s mind.  Simply go to a museum and immerse yourself with wonder. No commitment, just enjoy the art, the people, the food, and of course, the gift shop.

 

March 24, 2000 

We were naughty and had pancakes at CASA DEL MAR Hotel this morning.   

So, I said to Alan, “You’re a bad influence.”   

It was longtime pal John Tuzziano’s 32nd birthday, so we all got together (me, Alan, Gloria, John and Linda Williams, a wonderful gal who works with him at AMTRAK).   

Later, we met at Herb Braha’s apartment pad in Marina Del Rey for dinner.  He’s a pretty good cook.  

Alan shot a pic of Herb and me, toasting.  Herb still has his RICHARD THE THREAD business that finds hard-to-find items for the movie studios.  He’s also a character actor—but it’s not easy to find parts.  He did voice over parts and was also in Happy Days, Remington Steele and Child’s Play 2—besides that he’s very funny and loves to talk about business and about the stock market waves. 

March 25, 2000 

Alan and I went to the BEL AIR HOTEL for breakfast, and we saw the actor, Terrance Stamp, there this morning.  I was in awe because I first saw him in THE COLLECTOR (1965) and THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT (1994) was a real “Wow”.  I didn’t have the nerve to go up to his table with whoever he was with to say anything—but it was cool to see him just the same.   

For lunch, at one o'clock we met Dan Cuevas at the FOUR SEASONS.  He’s working on plans to help decorate our NYC apartment. While at the FOUR SEASONS we saw another actor: Morgan Freeman.   

By evening, Alan and I returned to CASA DEL MAR for a glass of wine and bar snacks, and we saw yet another actor: James Whitmore.  He’s been in many Westerns and many character parts in shows from the 1960s and 1970s.  He was in that Barbara Streisand movie called NUTS and THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994).   Hey!  The Oscars are tomorrow night—maybe that’s why we spotted three actors today.  

March 26, 2000 

I bought tickets this morning to the NSYNC concert for my niece, Ashley, this summer.  She will be overly ecstatic.   

Mom’s house had an OPEN HOUSE.  Will there be any bites? 

It was Oscar Night, so Alan and I like to stay home; nosh on good food and watch the Awards.  And so we did. The major winners were:   

Best Picture:  AMERICAN BEAUTY 

Best Director:  AMERICAN BEAUTY, Sam Mendes 

Best Actor:  Kevin Spacey, AMERICAN BEAUTY 

Best Actress:  Hilary Swank, BOYS DON’T CRY 

Best Supporting Actor: Michael Caine, THE CIDER HOUSE RULES 

Best Supporting Actress:  Angelina Jolie, GIRL, INTERRUPTED 

March 27, 2000 

I called my grandmother (mom’s mom) and Sherri, my sister-in-law.  I need their connection now that I don’t have a mom to call.  This morning, I reviewed Verona balances and e-mailed the real estate agent, Dianna, who is trying to sell mom’s house.  

I received that Memorial Video I created using many photos.  I also took a memorabilia photo of the first three DVD’s I bought recently along with the newspaper headlines the day after the Academy Awards. 

I received a beautiful letter from Paloma: 

Dear Michael, 

Sorry it took me so long to answer you, I keep writing to you in my head (thinking about things I want to tell you) but then I don’t. 

I’ve been very busy with an eye doctor, doing some kind of reeducation because another doctor told me that was why I suffer from big headaches. It also took me a lot of time to get many massages in the neck area. Well, nothing important but with many other things it kept me very busy. 

I also was so depressed I couldn’t write to you; I should be trying to cheer you up and instead I would make you cry. I’ve spent many days just crying and thinking about how awful life is. I could see nothing, but everything was dark. I know it’s stupid and not worth it, but I just couldn’t help it. I feel better now and I hope you do too.  Thank you for your family picture, I enjoyed sharing a happy moment with you. I didn’t know your mom had health problems. She was younger than my mom, my mom was born in 1926. It is difficult for me to write to you, I keep asking myself if I should tell you about her or not talk about that, isn’t it better for you to forget, but I’m sure you can’t. I know it’s going to happen to me one of these days, I’m so scared. I’m trying to see my mom the most I can & every time I wonder if it’s going to be last. That’s the way I feel like a daughter but as a mother, like I told you before, I wouldn’t want my son to be sad. Nothing worse could happen to me than to lose my son; I’ve got to die first. That’s just the way it is. 

I wish I could have been with you; we would have cried together. 

In fact, I don’t really like Benidorm, it’s full of buildings, it somehow reminds me of Miami. 

If I go there every year it’s because my mom lives there and I love the area. Right next to Benidorm there is a place that represents paradise for me that’s called Moraira. Have I ever told you about that place? We used to go there every summer before my parents divorced (when I was about Jonathan’s age). It was a small fishermen’s village then & every year my brother Luis & I would meet our best Spanish friend there, he was called Fernando, he was my first little girl’s love. He died 4 or 5 years ago; he would be 43. So, every time we go to Benidorm, we go to Moraira, that brings back old memories to Luis & me, that’s really boring for Alex, Jonathan & Gema (Luis’s girlfriend). Every time we try to find Fernando’s house, the place has changed so much that we can’t. When I was little, I dreamed I would live there, but see it never happened, but that’s why I enjoy LIVING BY THE SEA. If I suddenly become rich, that’s the place where you’ll find me. That window… 

Talking about your loft, we have bought an apartment in Sète, I’ve really had a hard time finding something. I’ve been visiting so many ugly and dirty places you can’t imagine. We were going to have a house built, but that would have been a house with almost no land around & far away, at least 30 kilometers from Sète. That’s not a problem for Alex & me (we drive) but that was a big problem for Jonathan (you can’t drive before 18 in France). He goes to the best school in the area; he works very well and has all his friends in Sète. I didn’t feel like changing that for him. I believe that has been a problem for me to move so much when I was younger. Also, I would have had to pay a credit for 15 or 17 years, that scared me. Also, I’m so busy I couldn’t picture myself taking care of a house (I mean the backyard & stuff). I’d rather go to the beach or to the movies… I see friends around me with gorgeous houses, but they never travel, I want to be able to travel again soon (we’ll meet in Vegas before we’re 70!). 

I wish I was 12 like Holly & Leigh & I could go visit you in N.Y., I bet that’s going to be fun. Jonathan might go to England in April with a friend. 

The other day I saw something on TV about your neighbor chef; they talked about lots of his restaurants. I wrote the names down, but I left the paper at home so I will tell you next time. I guess you will go to New York often now with your loft. 

I have a very hard time concentrating right now, Alex is sitting next to me, we’re in Balaruc and he keeps talking to me! So, I’ll stop writing for now. If you feel like talking to someone, write to me, I love it. 

Miss you – 
Love – 
PALOMA 

...Oh, of that movie I loved “The Shawshank Redemption”, you’ve seen it, right? 

JOJO (they said it was his first restaurant, I think) 

VONG 

Mercer Kitchen 

What about Daniel Boulud? Do you know this French chef too? 

His name is Jean Georges Vongerichten right? It seems like they are very famous in the States; they’re not over here. France doesn’t make good movies, but they are the best cooks! 

What is Lauren studying in Florence? You’re so lucky you’ve got so much time to travel. I’m sure it’s good for you to keep yourself busy right now. I’ve never been to Italy & we’re so close, we’ve been to Monaco. Alexandre has been to many places in Italy, in fact he spent his first honeymoon in Venice, he’s been married for 6 months before. 

Thanks for the Vegas pictures, you look as gorgeous as ever. We’ve heard about that concert in France, I think it was supposed to be her last one, right? Barbra Streisand makes me think about Fran Drescher; she seems to be a huge fan of her. We don’t have The Nanny show anymore, I guess it’s been finished for years in the States. We were very impressed that you talked to her, she seems to be so friendly. That show really made Jonathan and I laugh.   

Love, PALOMA 

March 28, 2000

Alan and I had an 8AM flight to New York City, we arrived at around 4PM EST.  There were beautiful Spring flowers in the St. Regis Hotel.  At 8:15pm we ate at VONG, the Jean-Georges Vongerichten Thai-French restaurant with Randy Cooper.  Tomorrow, we will lunch at the Four Seasons Hotel with Margaret Kohn, a Sotheby's real estate agent, who found the NYC loft for us at 66 Leonard Street in Tribeca.

‘All of us preserve time.  We preserve the old versions of the people who have left us...below the surface, we are our former selves:  the former child, the former lover, the former son or daughter.’-- Nina George, THE LITTLE PARIS BOOKSHOP 

‘Whatever you end up doing, love it.’--Cinema Paradiso, the 1988 film 

In March the mailbox makes a sound I’ve begun to anticipate — the small metal thud against the slot, the hinge closing. It has become the most reliable part of the day. 

Grief has entered the house, but it has not arrived alone. 

The envelopes come from Mississippi, from Miami Beach, from Marin, from Las Cruces, from Spain. Some are written before dawn. Some in turquoise ink. One on Sailor Moon stationery with a twenty-dollar bill folded inside. I open them at the kitchen table. I open them slowly. 

March 15, 2000 

 

Yesterday, in the letter from Cousin Edward Espinosa in Albuquerque: 

“From all indications it looks like your field is going to be great.”    

He wrote that he had the busiest holiday season in three years (that includes Valentine’s Day in my florist business. There was a brief paragraph about inflation — whether it would rise, whether the trend would hold. 

Then, without warning, the letter tilted to the death of his Chihuahua, Zeppy who died just before Christmas, a family crisis and his French friend, Jean-Claude, who committed suicide. Ouch!  The sentences did not change in the tone. They simply accumulated. 

At the bottom of the page: “Don’t forget we still have a dinner date.” 

Alan and I had breakfast at the CASA DEL MAR restaurant, and I snapped a photo of the lobby because it looked so beautiful.   My motto with regard to photography is ‘always photograph what is beautiful in life’.   

My mouth felt clean after my 11:30AM dental cleaning.  I bought my niece, Leigh, a birthday present.   

A postcard arrives from the 27th floor of the newly opened Venetian in Las Vegas. A winged lion printed at the top. The handwriting rushed, from Deanna Campbell. 

“Not lucky at all this trip. Weather is good.” 

“Reed says that St. Mark’s Square lacks only the pigeons and dirt to be real.” 

Even luck seems unsettled this year. 

Alan and I saw DROWNING MONA, a comedy.  Laughter is good medicine. 

March 16, 2000 

At 10AM, Alan met with Charlie Russo, the insurance broker.  Insurance is a necessity. 

I drew up the $250 invoice for Ferne Marshall Theis, and she visited my office once again at 1:30. Once again, a good meeting.  She misses me when she visits the Charles Schwab office. 

At home a letter from Cousin Sandra Donald was waiting.  She writes from Pearl, Mississippi in long, careful pages. 

“Oh Michael, Michael, how my heart grieves for you.” 

She advises writing instead of therapy. She lists her own losses — mother, father, husband — as if grief were a credential one must present before offering comfort. 

“Please don’t ever say ‘nothing matters.’ Your mom would not want you to say that. Everything matters.” 

She encloses a handwritten study: 

What happens when someone dies? 

Thessalonians. Corinthians. Philippians. 

The body described as temporary. 
Death as beginning, not end. 
Heaven as continuity. 

“If you do not have a Bible,” she writes, “buy one. I PROMISE.” 

The capital letters press hard into the page. 

Mind you, she’s a cousin writing to me from prison.  Stamped. Inspected. 

She referenced how the parole board delayed her again due to a new governor. She quotes Scripture, the cadence of 1 Peter and Matthew. 

“Blessed are those who mourn…” 

Then simply: “Please write.” 

The envelope feels heavier than its paper. 

Barbara Reynolds writes about photography using a very spiritual looking card.   She writes about Angel Island. About deciding to visit every Bay Area island this year. Alcatraz in March. She and David are attending a meditation retreat in Marin, focused on forgiveness. 

“I hope to let him go when he needs to go.” 

Water. Islands. Release. 

I imagine the ferry cutting across the bay, the wind sharp on the deck. The act of crossing toward confinement as an exercise in freedom.  And my freedom will be on March 26th, relaxing in my pajamas, watching the 72nd Academy Awards.  I always look forward to it. 

March 16, 2000 

Cousin Marie Antoinette from Pueblo, Colorado wrote a couple of weeks ago: 

“Your mother left such a wonderful legacy — you and your siblings.” 

“As a mother,” she adds, “my pride in my family completes the circle.” 

I sit with that phrase — completes the circle. As if a life closes not abruptly, but geometrically. 

By mid-March she writes again: 

“A grieving heart is something that needs to heal and hopefully with all our prayers & so-called words of advice, yours is well on its way.” 

So-called words of advice. 

At the bottom of the page: a Yahoo email address.  

A postcard from Miami Beach to Alan and me, from Randy Cooper: high 70s, cool nights, construction everywhere. 

“Things still seem to be growing here.” 

Cranes and concrete are rising against the sky. Expansion is the word of the country. Growth. Investment. Openings.  Inside the house, time moves differently. 

Alan and I had dinner at THE PALM.  I needed that New York steak and that baby aspirin before bedtime. 

March 17, 2000 

I picked up my framed paintings that I love from STONE ART (a replica of a PICASSO work and one of a MODIGLIANI). They don’t have to be the ORIGINALS to enjoy it.  

I received another card titled “Thinking of You” from Sandra Donald (the one in prison).  She must have a lot of time on her hands 

“Believe in yourself… Believe in tomorrow…” 

Handwritten beneath the printed sentiment: 

“There are a lot of people who need you and are concerned about you.” 

Nice words to ponder.  Alan and I ventured to the Beverly Connection in West Hollywood where we saw the film, 28 DAYS starring Sandra Bullock.  Viggo Mortensen is also in it.  I like Viggo.  He’s about my age.  It was another needed comedy.   Funny ‘classic denial’ line when Sandra Bullock said, “I’m not an alcoholic.  I only drink when I’m alone...or with someone.” 

March 18, 2000 

I took a daring drive to Van Nuys to meet with my cousin Martie Chavez-Seper.  We had lunch and I snapped a photo of her with her husband, Steve, and one of her two sons, Steven Lee Seper.  

Daniela Sapriel, a former Schwab client, writes in turquoise ink.  

“Today is the third anniversary of my mom’s death…” 

She says she feels her mother’s presence. She says her mother thought I was brilliant and thoughtful and caring. She says my mother is not alone in her new home. 

Then she invites me to a silent retreat in Desert Hot Springs (For Meditation, Yoga, Water balancing, Mineral pools).  No obligation to participate. Just healing time together. 

The desert becomes an idea — heat, stillness, purification. Grief without performance. Water without words. 

My Cousin Edna Garcia-Maestas writes at 4:00 a.m. 

Coffee. A Twinkie. Her devotional open. 

“Turn, Turn, Turn.” Ecclesiastes 3. 

“There is a time for everything.” 

“Yes Michael, it was your mother’s time.” 

She writes of Sabbath observance, of Las Cruces and White Sands — “a wonder of the world.” She mentions municipal elections, snow too thin for sledding, refusing a job offer so it would not interfere with family life. 

“As painful as it will be, I pray that God takes my mother before He takes me. It would be unimaginable for my mother to bury all three of her children.” 

Then, without transition she goes on about dinner with her mom and Joe; Spring break; the movies Life Is Beautiful + There’s Something About Mary; and Plans to travel to Spain. 

“Whatever you are saying, feeling, doing… it is all normal.” 

The word normal lands softly. 

A postcard from Benidorm arrives from Paloma.  She is visiting her mother in Spain:  

“We’ve all been sick for a few days but now things are getting better… The weather is very nice. We enjoy doing nothing.” 

Doing nothing feels radical. 

Cousin Edward Espinosa in Albuquerque writes again with a group of Teddy Bears on a card:  

“I think you would have rather been a photographer than a money man — but it’s great when you can do both.” 

He believes peace comes from having no regrets. He has a new computer. A MindSpring email address. It will become second nature, he says. 

"Remember always that you have a home here if you ever need to disappear for a few days."

Disappearance offered as hospitality. 

 

On March 19, 2000, a letter arrives on Sailor Moon stationery (and today was the first OPEN HOUSE at my mom’s house, will it sell quickly?).  Ashley writes: 

“Yo Uncle Mike…” 

What’s up?  I’m just waiting for dad to...never mind that; I’m back from the movies.  Dad took us to see MY DOG SKIP.  It was a cute movie.  I hate it when there are so many good movies out!  I want to see Final Destination, Erin Brockovich, Here on Earth, Where the Heart Is.  

Anyways, while I was cleaning my room I found this picture of us.  Aww!  He-He... 

“Since you’re Mr. photo boy” I figured I’d give it to you.  It even has my authentic old penmanship!  

Like my stationery?  I was wondering if you could do me a favor when you get the chance. No rush, Tio!  I was wondering if you could order off of Amazon.com the video SAILOR MOON called SECRET IDENTITIES.  If you can’t find it let me know.  Here’s $20 for the cost.  I’ve gotten int a big SAILOR MOON mood. He-He.  I used to love the show in 6th Grade, and I found my old tapes.  Even my siblings are all into it.  And the episode that Amazon had was my all-time-fave but I taped over it.  Ugh..no more room on this paper. Talk 2 you soon. 

She signs: “I ♥ you, Ashley!” 

The paper is bright. The handwriting earnest. The twenty-dollar bill folded carefully. 

While adults write about Scripture and Sabbaths and snow totals, a child writes about VHS tapes and anime and trust. 

Life does not pause for death.  It runs alongside it.  No one offers a single answer. They offer presence. 

Each day, the same quiet instruction arrives inside the envelope: 

Stay. 

Stay in the world. 
Stay in the month. 
Stay among the living. 

It is March 2000.  The Millennium has begun. And the letters keep coming. 

I took a photo of the memorabilia on my desk on this day.  At 6:30pm Alan and I enjoyed a Prix Fix dinner at LUCQUE’s in West Hollywood. 

March 20, 2000 

Alan and I met with a real estate agent named Phyllis Pollack.  Alan always likes to know what’s going on with real estate. 

I contacted the Schwab Benefits department for information.  Life goes on. 

It’s the 20th and Alan and I had our 10.4 Anniversary today.  No time to plan so we went to the local Cheesecake Factory which is walking distance from our house.   I had the waitress take a photo of us.  Surprise! 

March 21, 2000 

Notes to self:  NSYNC ‘No Strings Attached’ CD is released today. 

Cynthia, our bookkeeper, inquired about some details on Verona.  She’s on top of it. 

I snapped a photo of Alan on the roof as we were about to have our Whole Foods lunch. 

At 7:15PM we went to see FORBIDDEN BROADWAY at the Tiffany Theater.  More comedy needed.  It was a fast, funny musical parody review that spoofed riffs on RAGTIME (GAGTIME), CHICAGO, THE LION KING, SWAN LAKE and THE SOUND OF MUSIC.  The performers were Susanne Blakeslee, Jason Graae, Gerry McIntyre, Christine Pedi, with John Randall at piano.  

‘It’s fun to re-read a book I loved as a kid.  You pick up new things.’--Michiko Aoyama, WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS IN THE LIBRARY 

“Hey!  To humans, food experience is very important.” --Andy Weir, PROJECT HAIL MARY 

March 8, 2000 

I completed Ferne’s financial proposal.  I know she’ll love it—but will she implement my recommendations?  

My niece, Ashley, is too cute to send me a Show Summary of what is going on in the fictitious town of HARMONY on the soap opera called PASSIONS.  I was actually able to follow it.  Who knew there was a soapoperafan.com page?  Ashley, that’s who!  She sent me the stats on the February 24th 2000 episode:   

...tensions rippled through Harmony as secrets, jealousy, and forbidden attraction collide.  Eve remains wary of Chad’s influence around her daughters despite his growing closeness to Whiney, while Kay manipulates Charity’s fragile “premonitions’ to undermine her relationship with Miguel, escalating to hiding the bird statue that may explain Charity’s symptoms.

Meanwhile, Theresa struggles to accept Ethan’s engagement to Gwen, pressured by Ivy’s relentless romantic idealism, until she ultimately gives in to her feelings and throws her arms around Ethan, hinting at a looming confession.  At the same time, Sam admits Ivy’s return stirred sympathy but no love, as Ivy herself dismantles Ethan’s illusions about his father’s morality.  The episode crescendos with Whitney and Chad’s flirtation turning unmistakably romantic, as Chad challenges Whitney’s emotional restraint and the two finally share a kiss...setting the stage for deeper complications ahead.  

Yes, a lot can happen in one day! 

The best part was Ashley’s BEE HAPPY card.  She seriously writes like a VALLEY GIRL. 

Yo Uncle Mike, 

I’m glad you got to spend the weekend here.  I’m liking how you’re coming here so often.  

Thank you for the yummy meals that gave me a break from Top Ramen and Mac n’ Cheese.  I’d email you but I haven’t written to you in a while and moms on the computer.  Thanks for the books as well. Gosh!  I can’t wait for the next SWEET VALLEY book.  HeHe, so were you singing “U + ME = US...calculus” on the plane?  lol, you know you were!  You wouldn't believe how many “2ge+her” fans there are.  And it’s like HELLO!  They’re not real!  Anyways, I’m sure you got far in your book on the ride home.  It seems good.  Speaking of good, I hope tomorrow’s PASSIONS is!  Finally, some action.  And don’t forget if you miss an episode to go to that site I told you about. 

Holly lost her game by six points and she scored two baskets. 

Well, I’m going to go take a shower even though it’s only like 5:20, but OH WELL.   

Just remember one date—March 21st—the day NSYNC’s new CD comes out: NO STRINGS ATTACHED.  And of course, Ally’s Birthday is two days after. HeHe... 

I love you FOO (j/k), 

ASHLEY! 

Hi Uncle Mike!  HOLLY. 

It’s Ash Wednesday.  Alan and I chose that as a reason to have sushi at NAGAO in Brentwood.  Yummy. 

March 9, 2000 

The young black lady at Casa Del Mar named Tiffany treats us so nicely.  I love having breakfast there.  She has one wonderful personality.  Afterwards, we went on a beach walk, and I took a splendid photo underneath the pier.   

Once home, I wrote Paloma a card/letter: 

Dear Paloma, 

I loved your postcard from Benidorm, Costa Blanca, SPAIN.  It looks like a nice place to escape.   

I guess I’m coming to terms with my mother passing away.  Tomorrow, I’m flying to Alameda to see about selling my mom’s house.  On March 28th Alan and I are flying to New York to check on the status of the loft.  Then we are flying to Florence, Italy on April 4.  Lauren, Alan’s daughter, is studying there this semester and we promised her we’d visit.  We plan to go to MILAN from April 7—9, then fly back to New York on April 12.  We’ll return to LA on April 14.  A part of me isn’t in the mood to travel right now.  Although, a solitary trip to a gorgeous beach like Benidorm could be just what I need.  

Here’s a couple of my Photos of the Day from December 31, 1999, and January 1, 2000, just for you. 

The loft apartment in NY is supposed to be ready in early May.  They keep pushing out the ready date. I’m planning to have my nieces, Holly and Leigh (both age 12) to visit us in NY in early July.  That should be fun.   

We’ve had a spurt of business with our Money Management firm, Verona Capital Management, so that is keeping us busy.  

I hope you, Alex, and Jonathan are feeling better.  It’s too bad you were all sick at one of your favorite vacation getaways. 

Thank you for your cards.  I NEED them!  It seems I should try to work out a plan to come and see you again—maybe in 2001.  I’d like that.  

Well, have a great day! 

Love You Lots, 

Michael J Armijo 

We received our Crate n Barrel delivery.  

For dinner, Alan, Gloria and I ate at TOSCANA.  Their veal Milanese is delicious. 

March 10, 2000 

Alan and I flew to Oakland, arriving at around 12:30pm in the afternoon.  We had appointments with my mother’s doctors at Alameda Hospital.  I’m glad Alan went with me. The doctor was cold, quiet and aloof—a real asshole.  I’m glad it’s over.  Doctors should have empathy.  He demonstrated none.  I guess he sensed a malpractice suit—who knows.  I just wanted answers as to why or how it happened.  I guess I know, but I wanted to know if anything else had transpired during conversations. 

To shake it off, Alan and I went to the ORPHEUM THEATER in San Francisco to see Liza Minelli perform.  No photos were allowed, but I photographed the marquee as a memento. 

March 11, 2000 

We went to College Avenue in Berkeley and found a cool bakery called LA FARINE FRENCH BAKERY.  That was a nice, unexpected experience.   

My appointment with KANE REALTORS was scheduled for noon at mom's house on Monday. 

Alan and I ate at PALOMINO in San Francisco with my brother, Tony, and his wife, Linda.   

March 12, 2000 

The culmination photo of our Sunday was made after meandering in and around San Francisco, specifically the Marina area and it was of a lone guy seated by the bay with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. 

March 13, 2000 

I took care of closing my mom’s account at US BANK on Harbor Bay Isle.  Alan also tagged along and we went to First American Title as I needed a power of attorney form for my brother, John.  All these details are a “pita” (pain in the ass).   

The meeting with Dianna Wyman, the real estate agent, representing KANE REALTORS went very well.  She’s done with her chemo—and I feel good having her as my agent now (especially after reading my mom’s book, ONE TRUE THING).  Alan took a photo of us. 

At around 3pm we picked up Ashley at the Swim Center.    

March 14, 2000 

Alan and I made a quick visit to my mom and dad’s gravesite.  I needed to. 

I made calls to Schwab regarding mom’s accounts.  All in all, a lot was accomplished.  In the daily reading of HEALING AFTER LOSS today a portion went like this:  

...pay attention to the small nudges we receive--some simple thing I might enjoy doing today, some minor project that might seem worthwhile.  Anything to get the ball of activity rolling again.  This is no time to be figuring out one's Life work.  This is a time to follow up on the small urgings like calling a friend, clearing a few feet of the garden, or mailing a package, even returning a book to the library.  Anything to establish ourselves as people who take initiative. 

Alan took a photo of me in mom’s backyard.  I wonder how long it will take to sell the house.  We flew back to LA that evening.  I have a dental cleaning tomorrow morning at 11:30AM.  Time goes on.  

‘I strip to my underwear, crawl into my sleeping bag, and reward myself with a candy bar.’--Andrew X Pham, CATFISH AND MANDALA 

 

 

 

 

‘GOD instructs the heart, not by ideas but by pains and contradictions.’--Jean-Pierre de Caussade, a French Jesuit priest and spiritual writer, this quote was noted in the book by J.D. Salinger, FRANNY AND ZOOEY 

March 1, 2000 

After a peek into CLOUD SOFA and CRATE N BARREL in Laguna Beach this afternoon Alan and I went to DIZZ’s AS IS restaurant.  They have the best Brandy Alexander-blended.  It’s like a milkshake, then it suddenly hits you (the alcohol).  It’s the booster to make the dinner unforgettable in my humble opinion.   

I heard from a former Schwab client named Ferne Marshall Theis.  She loves receiving her stock certificates.  God knows how many she has under her mattress.  She also loves to go to Mexico.  I think she gets laid there—but to look at her I can’t believe anyone would want to lay her.  Then again, some people don’t care—just put a pillow over the face (I guess). She isn’t ready to become an ongoing Verona client, but she is willing to pay me hourly for a consultation.  So, I’ve arranged an appointment for March 7th.  I’ll take her photo so Alan can imagine her in bed with the Frito Bandito. 

March 2, 2000 

I mailed mom’s IRS 1999 Tax Return.  Alan has been so helpful with these matters.  Now I just need to do her Estate Tax Return.  Luckily, I have much more time for that one. 

I’m still in awe after completing that book, ONE TRUE THING, knowing my mom had read every word of it.  Knowing this made me feel closer to her, and I do need that when I can no longer pick up the phone to speak to her. 

March 3, 2000 

I am running.  I am training.  Alan and I went to Downtown LA, and I picked up my LA MARATHON paraphernalia.  The Marathon is this Sunday!  Am I ready?  We shall see. 

Alan took Carrie to a dive place for TONY’S TRAFFIC SCHOOL in Inglewood, CA.  Carrie needs to do her time for that traffic ticket.  

March 4, 2000 

It was Saturday and Alan and I had a W HOTEL breakfast followed by a 10AM free screening in Westwood for a coming-of-age animal adventure called MY DOG SKIP.  It was kind of nice to see a matinee on a pre-afternoon Saturday.  It was cute, about a shy boy who goes up in 1940s Mississippi with the help of his beloved dog, Skip.   The boy was played by actor Frankie Muniz who is known for some successful sitcom called MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE.  In any case, it was fun but I’m not ready to get a dog.  It’s hard enough to take care of myself.  

After the show I worked on my Verona Proposal Statement.   

By 7pm, Alan and I were having dinner with Cathy Imai, our bookkeeper/accountant.   

March 5, 2000 

Sadly, the LA Marathon XV rained out.  The rain was such a HARD RAIN, that Alan talked me out of doing it.  I guess I’ll chalk this up to good training and do it next year.  Some things just are not meant to be. 

March 6, 2000 

Alan and I took to OLE HENRIKSEN again in West Hollywood for facials.  We felt brand new.   

I saw a David Geffen billboard about his controversial book.  I think I’ll buy it and read the dirty gossip.  I like photographing billboards because I know they are like a historic promotional marking that will be gone.  

Since we were in West Hollywood, we chose to see THE NEXT BEST THING.  It was a B movie starring MADONNA and Rupert Everett.  I liked it...it’s about Madonna playing a gal named Abby who is tired of failed relationships and has a one-night stand with her gay friend.  They agree to raise the resulting baby together.  Wow.  That could have happened to me.  Luckily, in my case she didn’t get pregnant.  I guess it’s luck—no?  

Our movie was followed by dinner at LES DEUX CAFE in Hollywood.  Our waiter was too friendly (named Chris), I guess it paid off for his good tip.  We took a photo with him. Hilarious. 

March 7, 2000 

We organized our personal Verona client statements for our accountant Cathy Imai. Then we met with Charlie Russo, an insurance broker who got us tied in with great health insurance.  We accomplished a lot. 

Then, Ferne Marshall Theis arrived and our meeting went well.  I took a photo.  

Photo:  Ferne Marshall Theis

She really needs her teeth to be done over.  I almost want to tell her to sell one of her stock certificates and get your teeth cleaned MONTHLY; however, some things you just need to be tight-lipped about.  I need to prepare a Financial Proposal for her now—it will be my focus tomorrow. 

Alan and I had dinner in West Hollywood with Dan Cuevas, the interior designer/furniture owner.  He talks.  Alan talks.  I listen—for the most part.  

‘The problem with being in a bubble is that it only takes one prick to burst it.’--Adam Kay, THIS IS GOING TO HURT