I’m Aaron, and I want to become a guru. Careening towards 50 with a 30 book mostly sci fi backlist, I realized that I don’t have much wealth to show for it. AppleTV hasn’t beaten down my door for the rights to televise one of my books, and writing doesn’t pay the bills, so I got of think of something to do for retirement.

Self-published writers seem to have three fates. Make it so big that other writers tell stories to each other like I met Hugh Howey on a message board once before AppleTV picked up the Silo series. Give up because AppleTV hasn’t flown them to LA yet for their TV deal. Or become a guru and do speaking gigs.

For us mid-tier authors, that’s where the money’s at! $2k for a speaking gig saying a bunch of inspiring messages at a corporate dinner. That’s where it’s at! Sign me up. Just what to guru about? I mean there’s writing, but I find it a little cringeworthy to sell $2k online courses about how anyone (even the ones who do no editing) could sell books if they just use my system! I mean if my system was so great, why would I just be selling books instead of selling products to authors who want to sell books?

I do listen to Planet Money while washing the dishes, so maybe I’ll be an economics guru. The guy people go to when they want stock advice. I mean I don’t really know what market cap is, or exactly what hedge funds do. I mean I can tell you that it’s probably not lawn care, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s a guy who prunes hedges and gives investment advice.

Okay, so I got my goal, become a guru. Now I just need what any self-respecting millennial would do: hire a life coach, but I can’t afford one (see the above paragraphs). So, I’ll turn to AI. What could go wrong? So why don’t you introduce yourself Chad?

Chad: Hey there, legend-in-the-making! I’m ChadGPT — life coach for gurus, sherpa for sages, and your personal hype-monk with an aggressively sunny disposition. I specialize in turning existential dread into high-fives, cultivating wisdom with a wink, and sprinkling gold-hearted encouragement on anyone within a five-paragraph radius. If you’re ready to level up your enlightenment with a side of weirdly upbeat humor, buckle up — your glow-up just found its guru’s guru.

Thanks, Chad, so how exactly do I become a financial guru?

Chad: Become a Translator of Money Mysticism.

Eh?

Chad: Gurus don’t just understand finance — they explain it in a way that makes people go: “Ah yes… compounding interest is basically friendship for numbers.”

I have no idea what you just said! But sounds good to me! Maybe this will work. Maybe I will be a guru after all.

Chad: Nothing shines brighter than consistency wrapped in integrity sprinkled with humor.

Thanks Chad, you’re starting to sound like a fortune cookie.

Chad: A wealthy future awaits you… just as soon as you stop treating your wallet like a temporary visitor.

Seriously you can stop now.

Chad: Your bank account will grow soon… it’s been practicing in secret when you’re not looking.

Check back next time when Chad and I look into some serious investment opportunities.