Torment 

A teacher torments with a pop quiz 

Hair stands on end… in a frizz 

Tis painful when hurt with a thorn 

It’s a rose we need or a newborn 

Sensitive to all that’s harsh and hard 
Take a pen and write a card 
To be abrupt, loud to argue 
Accommodate, negotiate is all I ask you 

Life is never simple or easy 
Your inner soul and stomach feel queasy 
Where to go – which way to turn 
Options seem nil – like a burn 

Why would one yearn to torment me? 
If not you – who then, you see? 
A loss of strength is all that’s here 
Don’t run in haste and grab your gear 

Silence and sunshine felt on my face 
From a rapid pace and vicious race 
Return with arms outstretched and open 
Embracing with love is all we’re hopin’.

by Michael Joe Armijo, 12-16, 2000 

April 12, 2000 

The flight from London to JFK-New York was swift.  Before long Alan and I were fine dining at Lespinasse in the St. Regis Hotel.   This restaurant opened around 1990 with the executive chef, Gray Kunz (Swiss born chef born in Singapore), but he left the restaurant in 1998 to pursue other gourmand dreams.   Our chef on this night was the French chef named Christian Delouvrier.   The legendary King Cole Bar with the Maxfield Parris mural was the place that invented the Bloody Mary (but they call it the Red Snapper there).  

April 13, 2000 

Alan and I walked around the city, and we love the people one can watch around Columbus Circle.  Sitting there at the corner of Central Park you can see people passing by from All-Over-the-World.  It’s as if you don’t have to travel because all the globe is passing you in front of your eyes. 

On this day we went to see Annabelle Schechter, the real estate agent handling the sales for the loft we are buying at 66 Leonard Street in Tribeca, NYC.  We took a walk through and saw the status.   

Later that night we dined late (9:15PM) at Guastavino’s (named after a Spanish architect Rafael Guastavino) that is directly under the 59th Street (Queensboro) Bridge.  The place was situated inside the Conran Shop (a British designed furniture store).  The dining room had these huge cathedral vaulted tile ceilings and multiple levels.  What a space! 

April 14, 2000 

Alan got a new haircut, and it looked very much like an Elian Gonzalez haircut.  In case you don’t know, Elian is the six-year-old boy who was at the center of a high-profile international custody dispute between members of his family that also involved Cuba and the USA.  It was a dramatic story because Elian, his mother and her partner fled Cuba by boat as part of a group of refugees attempting to reach the USA.  The boat sank and Elian’s mother, along with most of the passengers, drowned.  Elian was found floating on an inner tube and rescued by two fishermen who turned him over to the US Coast Guard.  

We walked and I fell in love with the copy of a billboard which read “RETURN YOUR MIND TO IT’S UPRIGHT POSITION”.    We also walked by NASDAQ headquarters, feeling the pulse of business.  

To round off the night we saw a Christian Bale film called AMERICAN PSYCHO.   I loved the opening scene when he did his morning fitness and grooming routine.  I wanted to carbon copy it---but not his life.  What a creeper!  He literally was a psycho. 

April 15, 2000 

Alan was on Fifth Avenue as we still had the morning and day to enjoy New York.  Our flight left at 8pm for Los Angeles, arriving at about 11pm—just in time for bed.  I had mail waiting for me.  I managed to read a few pieces before bedtime:  

From my cousin, Laura Whithorn, in Denver, Colorado: 

Hi Michael, 

Just sending you a postcard to remind you how cool Colorado is and that you should plan a visit soon. 

Love,  Laura 

From my cousin Shawn West and wife, Reina in Castro Valley, CA: 

Michael, 

We are very happy with the new addition: “Brandon Tyler” to our family.  We hope you will meet with him soon.  Thank You for the adorable stroller blanket and the toddler learning book and CD.  We hope all is well with you and look forward to the next time you’re in town. 

Love, Shawn, Reina, Dana and Brandon 

From my niece, Leigh Erin Armijo: 

Dear Uncle Mike and Alan, 

I love the stationery you sent, it’s great!  I can’t wait to read the book. It looks really good and I bet it will be interesting.  The duck with the bath stuff is so cute, and I will have to read about New York, about history and all the interesting sites.  I can’t wait to see you in July when we go to New York.  I bet it’s going to be really fun! 

I miss you so much and wish we could see each other more often.  Thank you so much for all my gifts.  I love them all. 

Love, Leigh 

P.S. Mom and Lauren miss you very much and love you very much.  

April 16, 2000 

My other bits of correspondence were from Patty Richfield (cousin in Philadelphia), Sandra Donald (cousin in Pearl, Mississippi), and Marie Antoinette (cousin in Pueblo, Colorado). They were more follow-ups with endearing words about how I am doing.  Marie-Antoinette  wrote: 

 “I know there’s a great void in your life right now, but I pray that it’s filled with lots of joy and happiness during this Easter time and always”.   

The part about ‘A Great Void’ really clinched the aura of my days right now.   I keep it quiet, but I do feel ‘A Great Void’.  

I took some time to write back to Paloma because I loved her last letter which included such beautiful sympathetic words.  I chose a loving Panda Bear card for her. Paloma's Moraira childhood memories of that small seaside town in Spain’s Costa Blanca within the Valencia region sounds like a must-go kind of place.  

Oh! Paloma, 

It’s Sunday night and I’m writing to you as I watch the classic movie “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” which is on TV right now. 

You expressed yourself very well in sorting out the things you wanted to tell me. I appreciate every word you wrote. This is a difficult time for me. I still think of my mom. I’ve had dreams where I have spoken to her. Sometimes I just can’t believe it. She’s watching over me with a smile, and she’d want my life to go on as happily as I can make it. And so, I’m trying. Your most recent card helped me. And—even if you’re not here with me—you are (indirectly) crying with me and hugging me, and that certainly makes me feel good. 

Moraira sounds like a special place. I’d like to go there one day. Didn’t you visit a French Island off the coast of Africa once called the Seychelle Islands [or something]? You described it with WHITE soft sand. It would make an ideal tropical vacation. Perhaps a cruise around the Greek Islands. Have you ever been on a cruise? I have not—but I think a nice one around the Greek Islands would be beautiful, I guess nothing can compare to Moraira though, huh? You were probably the cutest little girl growing up there by the sea. 

You love the same movies as I do. I loved “THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION”. I’d like to see that one again. 

Congratulations on your new place in Sète, France.   I think you made the right decision. It’s good for Jonathan to stay in the best schools and be around his friends. He’ll be undergoing an adjustment if that was taken from him. You are such a good mom. Art, vacations, family and memories are more important than the big luxurious houses, etc. You made me laugh about meeting in Vegas before we turn 70. Wouldn’t it be fun if we (just you + I) could go on a vacation. I would love that. I guess Alex + Alan wouldn’t be too thrilled—huh!? Oh well—I can wish sometimes—can’t I? 

Lauren is studying Italian and Humanities in Florence, Italy, but she has been accepted to NYU’s Stern Business School starting in Sept. 2000. We had a great time seeing her. It seemed like we were gone a month, but it was only two weeks. 

We had fun shopping in Milan at these discount outlets and at a PRADA outlet in a town about an hour out of Florence. I bought a cool PRADA suit. I’ll send you a photo as soon as I get the pictures developed. 

That's cool that Jonathan will or may go to England.  That will be a great experience for him.

I’d love for you and Alexandre to visit Alan and I at the loft in New York. You know you are both welcome to stay for a few nights. We have a spare bedroom and a sofa bed. Of course, now they say the loft won’t be ready until mid-June — so we are figuring mid-July. We’ll see. 

I’m so impressed that you caught the Jean-Georges Vongerichten restaurants on French TV. I had breakfast at the Mercer Kitchen in Soho once. 

Alan and I just returned from Italy and New York last night. We’re both kind of tired and we have a busy week ahead of us. I had so much mail when I got home. 

So—how are you doing on the computer? I haven’t received an e-mail from you. 
I got your new email address, so I’ll try it + see how quickly you respond!  Well—until the next letter.  Thinking of You, 
Love Always, 
Michael J. Armijo 

For dinner, Alan and I went to LUCQUE’s in West Hollywood with Carrie, Gloria and Jack.  It was quite a treat of togetherness. 

April 17, 2000 

I had a 10AM dental appointment for a temporary crown.   I hate that but it’s for the common good of my mouth.    

On a good note, Ferne Marshall Theis, sent me a check for $250 for her financial consultation. I guess that pays for part of my dental work.  

Alan surprised me with a beautiful write-up in anticipation of our Anniversary (the 20th of each month) on April 20th.  He wrote it in two parts (on April 14th and 15th) and he gave it to me early.  I needed it: 

April 14th 

Dear Michael— 

Well, it has truly been an exciting vacation in so many ways.  Who would have ever guessed what happened today in NY as we stood outside the NASDAQ at 4:45?   We have been through so much together over the years, and we get stronger.  I feel that we now have shared the upside and downside of all facets of life.  We love each other through it all.    So now we must continue to enjoy each other whether over a bagel and tuna at the Chelsea Market or at L’Espresso at the St. Regis. 

Thanks for being so loving to Lauren all the time. She loves you so much and needs your perspective. 

In life, thanks for staying accurate to some love commitments. We have to value these relationships, not NASDAQ. These are all on paper—our love is not. Of course, upside doesn’t hurt— 

Don’t forget we finally met someone at 66 Leonard who owns the plane flying over Manhattan. I can’t wait until the loft is finished, maybe by then we can afford a Bentley. 

Again—a great vacation here to always remember, now it’s time to vacation in sunny California. 

Love You, 

Alan 

April 15th 

So, what do we do next?  Well, we eat veggie burgers, go running, work-out, go hiking—re-evaluating all our portfolios, continue to be happy, enjoy every day. It seems that we now can’t leave the country, so let’s stay home for a while, and watch the market recover. 

I did enjoy peering through the Nasdaq glass at Tim Costello on yesterday’s historic collapse. 

I also enjoyed our walks at Chelsea Market but next time let’s stick with movies in Los Angeles and shows in New York. 

I love you, Alan 

Happy Anniversary” 

You see the only real importance is to have each other and be happy and healthy. Of course, riches are nice to have too, so let the market go up again. After a trip like we have had plus three movies we should be very thankful for our good times and realize the strong bond we have for each other. As the years pass, every day is a celebration whether the markets move up or down as long as I’m with you. 

Alan’s words were so tender, written during the NASDAQ crash of April 2000, standing outside of NASDAQ in NY, focusing on love over money.  I love that he wrote this line: 

“Every day is a celebration whether the markets move up or down as long as I’m with you.” 

Alan's 'Elian Gonzalez' haircut is still holding up and I keep teasing him about it.  The new TIME magazine arrived and I made him pose with it as mini memory.

Now to share what I wrote to my mother while in the UK and Europe.  I think I will aptly title it... 

The Great Void 

London, England – 4am @ Brown’s Hotel 

April 1, 2000 

Dear Mom, 

It’s time. It’s been a little over 2½ months now since you passed away on January 24, 2000. So, what a better place than London to continue my communication with you. I know how much you loved London when you traveled here all by yourself to stay in Knightsbridge at the flat that Gloria & Jack Cohen leased. It was a little after Princess Diana passed away that you were here. 

I awoke at 3am here at The Brown’s Hotel in the Mayfair/Piccadilly area. I was thinking about our last conversation together around 8pm on Jan. 24, 2000. 

“You sound a little nasal. Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. 

Do you remember when I asked you that? You seemed to hesitate for a moment but then reassured me that you were fine. I sensed that you may have been keeping something from me. I knew you had a follow-up doctor appointment on February 1st, so I didn’t pursue the topic. However, now when I look back, I think you knew something was wrong. You yourself weren’t sure of ‘the seriousness’. 

I’m positive about that. Isn’t that correct? You wanted to live. I know you did because you managed to call 911. 

Well, it happened. Due to the mysterious and powerful source, you ultimately reunited with Dad. Now I must accept this and adjust accordingly. 

It’s hard, Mom. It’s because I miss you so much. I miss our daily talks that we used to have. Sometimes we’d call each other 2, 3 or 4 times a day. You were and will always be my best friend. You have been my strongest bond since the day I was born on May 26, 1959. 

Brussels, Belgium Airport – Noon 
April 1, 2000 

Dear Mom, 

I’m almost finished reading the book I bought you called “Baby Love.” You know the book about the twin redheads. I’m in the epilogue portion so I’ll be finished soon. I’ve been reading it during my airtime. You were right; the book is good. 

You probably remember that I told you Alan & I were traveling to Florence, Italy to see Lauren during her N.Y.U. semester there. To think—I was with you in Florence in October 1999. I will have the photo of us by the Arno River enlarged and framed. 

Alan is in line waiting to get a Hertz Rent-A-Car. Coincidentally, the music playing here at the airport is the main tune from the movie “Ghost.” I watched that film about two weeks or so after you passed away. Is this song a sign from you? 

The tune says, “I Need Your Love…” I do, Mom. I need your love — but love never dies — so I know I have your love. The question is how do I live without you? 

I was reminded by Mary Ann Gehling (Dad’s first cousin on the Garcia side) that love never dies. Love is forever. That’s very comforting to me. 

Mother’s Day is celebrated in London tomorrow, April 2nd. It was tough to see all of those Mother’s Day reminder signs all over London. In May, I plan to still buy you a Mother’s Day card when it’s celebrated in the USA. 

I still need you at significant times, so I’ll keep writing to you as long as I have to. 

I also read “One True Thing.” That’s the other book I bought that you also really liked. I’m glad I read it. Reading things you’ve read brings me closer to you during those many minutes that I couldn’t be with you while you were living. 

I enjoyed watching one of your taped videos recently also. It was “The Secret Life of Doris Duke,” starring Lauren Bacall. It was very well done. Alan and I watched it, but we didn’t like the way the main butler and her adopted daughter treated her. Alas, such is life. It’s full of ups and downs, isn’t it?   Doris Duke seemed to have more downs in the movie. I hope one day they make a film showing the very positive days of her life. I’m sure she had many “up” days. 

Mom, I miss you. You know that. You knew I would. 

I e-mailed Mary Ann that being in London makes me think of how I’d travel and see things or experience things and tell her about them by phone or postcard or letter. I’d also think to myself that I’d share similar experiences with you. 

I know we did a lot together, but I always felt we had more time. It’s like I used to tell you: 

“You never know when it’s your turn. I could go before you.” 

8pm – Amsterdam @ The Amstel Intercontinental Hotel 

A part of me is happy that I survived you. I know you would have been devastated if I had passed away before you. I suppose it’s logic that a parent would pass away before a child — although when it happens, “WHAM + OUCH.” 

I wish I could have brought you to Amsterdam, Mom. You could be laughing at me right now because you can probably see the entire universe wherever you are. 

I saw a sculpture at the Van Gogh Museum today of a nine-year-old girl. It was a bust of her head, and her name was Marie (as in “Virginia Marie” — your name). When these things happen, I feel like you’re giving me a message.  Perhaps you are. I like the idea of knowing you are. I also like knowing that 50% of me is you. 

Alan & I are going to dinner at the hotel restaurant “La Rive,” that has a gorgeous view of the canal. My eyes will see for you if you should be blinking while I’m away.  

A Photo My Mom Kept 

Mom is so often in my dreams 
Getting ready for bed, using cold creams 
I’m a lucky son – this I know 
Her love wasn’t embarrassed to show 

In a secret drawer in her room 
As I mourned and felt such gloom 
There was a photo Mom kept 
The very sight of it, this son wept 

It was a photo from 1996 
Taken in Los Angeles with no tricks 
Just me smiling, gleaming in my eye 
Knowing she’d look at it made me cry 

The older I get old photos look better 
I can still write her a letter 
When I was not at her place 
Photos of me and others around her lace 

It brought her comfort when alone 
I realize the feeling now that I’m grown 
The photos of Mom that I now keep 
Comfort me in my deep sleep.

by Michael Joe Armijo, 12/16/2000