Normally when holiday time rolls around I pull this number, which I’ve previously blogged about here.

But this is the one day of the year when I feel compelled to break my own rules. Hope you enjoy this detour from our regularly scheduled programming…

Most people think it is Thanksgiving, the day where everyone is allowed to eat mind-bogglingly massive portions of food and then sit drooling on the couch watching football as their digestive systems attempt to sputter back to life.

They are wrong.

What it is, in fact, is one of the lesser days of reckoning.

Behold your master, the Great Turkey-thulu!

The first time I saw this platter I crapped myself.

You may bow now… unless you have bad knees or something. In which case you may do the Hokey-Pokey. Naked.

Why? Because for some inexplicable reason, the Great Turkey-thulu has decreed this to be an acceptable substitution, minion!

Here’s the deal: If you are appropriately thankful for all the good things in life (friends, family, pets, your health, quality programming) and are usually not an asshole, then you get a free pass. When you sit down to your Thanksgiving feast and partake of his flesh and drink of his gravy, Turkey-thulu will make sure that you are spared from the generally

accepted Holiday Discomforts.

If you’ve been a huge dick-o-potamus for long stretches of the year, however, you should not only expect a holiday season full of family squabbles, but also an intense feeling of bloat (due to eating until you are stuffed) and overwhelming sadness (hello, carb induced lethargy). It may only last a few hours; it may last for the rest of the winter.*

Your personal level of yearly douche-baggery will be the ultimate judge. You know… along with the Great Turkey-thulu.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

*There are other possible causes for these symptoms, of course. If you are convinced that you’ve spent most of the year in a state of non-douche-baggery yet still experience these symptoms, please consult your family physician.