You were a bouncer?

Yes, because the intent of a good bouncer is to not allow a fight to begin, not wrestle with someone to start one. I grew up in a place where fights were very common between my mom and sister and they wer experts at the use of clever dialogue leading up to one. They were like swordsmen who used words like short daggers.

There were times when my sister and mom jousted verbally just before some beating was about to commence. They both knew it and wanted to sound like they wanted to avoid it at the same time they relished the coming conflict. They would sound sincere enough until one of them threw down the gauntlet in the form of a sarcastic apologetic remark followed by a perfectly timed smirk. Unless you grew up with it you never saw it coming, but to me it was like those flashing railroad lights that meant, “Danger Will Robinson!!”
Sometimes after events had run their course an innocent participant would ask, “What the Hell just happened?”
Seems that it was kinder not to let on that in some ways they were like that mouse being lured into a metal trap with a tasty bit of cheese so I would take it easy on them and just shrug my shoulders and say, “Don-no”, which is an abbreviation for (don’t know).
They loved to time these tirades just before dinner if possible. This allowed the dramatic moans and groans as they ate with fat lips and bleeding gums. Breathing raggedly through often broken noses, or ones bent nicely enough to limit air flow.
Guys will flare their nostrils and puff out their chest before combat, women are more subtle about it. An ill placed smirk that just touches the corner of their mouth as the tinniest glint can be seen in their eyes. That is that first rush of joy at the coming attraction and is easy to miss if you aren’t looking for it. They try to time it so that they are turning away from the other participant so they don’t get that warning light too early.
People will sometimes ask, “Where did you learn to read people so well?”
It was a bit of ground zero OJT that is impossible to forget, even if a person had therapy. Comes in handy to be able to duck from a punch that hasn’t even commenced happening all the way to the fist yet. By the time it swooshes through empty air I am at the required safe distance. The other tactic is to let the blow land, gauging in advance the velocity of the impact to be minimal. That is followed by widening of the eyes, slight tilt of the head and a comment like, “Really?”
This serves as a warning that you have been given one last chance to weigh your options because the next blow will never land if you choose incorrectly.

Against a larger foe, when done correctly to minimize impact from that first hit it is gauged to make that larger opponent hesitate. If no hesitation takes place than there is no reasoning with them so they need to be put down quickly with a crippling blow, just enough to make it hard to stand or breathe. Step back, raise one eyebrow and ask, “Done?”
That will make most opponents, accept the real hard asses stop.
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Published on January 26, 2013 23:11 Tags: humor, neil-leckman
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