My interview with A Bearded Lady on Fire
Yesterday I went to the offices of blogging clown Le Clown of A Clown on Fire. Clown. I was hoping for an interview but he wasn’t in. The following is a direct transcript of the audio recording I made when I was forced to interview A Bearded Lady on Fire instead.
El Beardo in all her glory
Me: Hi.
El Beardo: Go away.
Me: Um…I was wondering if The Magnificent™ Le Clown was in?
El Beardo: No™.
Me: Where is he™?
El Beardo: None of your business.
Me: I was hoping to interview him.
El Beardo: Impossible. He is home in bed. Sick.
Me: Oh. What’s wrong?
El Beardo: I’m about to call the police.
Me: Please tell me, then I’ll go away.
El Beardo: If you must know, his Magnificence™ has a sore back. A herniated disc, or something. His body is as fragile as Grandma’s underpants.
Me: How do you spell disc, anyway? Is it disk or disc?
El Beardo: I don’t know, you idiot – I can’t see the letters you’re saying.
Me: I’ll write disc.
El Beardo: Okay, whatever. Go away.
Me: Well, could I interview you instead? Who are you anyway?
El Beardo: I am El Beardo™. I work at the Temple de la Clown but help to look after this place when Le Clown™ is hypo on his pain killers. I will allow you to interview me, but only for five minutes max.
Me: My name isn’t Max.
El Beardo led me into Le Clown’s offices. Images of His Magnificence™ adorned the walls. The furniture was covered in velvet or something. It all looked very expensive. Candles were burning in front of an idol made in Le Clown’s likeness™ by carnival folk out of hay and crushed dreams.
Me: So, I can’t help but notice that you are on fire. How did the fire start and does it hurt?
El Beardo: I spontaneously combust whenever a jerk shows up at the front door.
Me: Oh.
El Beardo: It doesn’t hurt. The flames are mostly psychological.
Me: Why is your name El Beardo?
El Beardo: Because it is – look, are you going to ask me any interesting questions or am I going to have to scratch your bare tummy with my whiskers until you bugger™ off?
Me: Okay, um… Okay, okay I’ve got one. Are you really a man in a dress or a woman in a beard?
El Beardo: I’m warning you. If you don’t improve these questions toute de suite, all I have to do is push the big red button on that desk over there, the one under that glass cover thing, and Le Clown and his Carnie™ minions will flock here, tear you to pieces and make it look like an accident.
Me: Crikey! Okay…uh… Le Clown has made badges for people to put on their website to show their love of him. Could he make one for me?
El Beardo: Actually, he already™ has, I think. It was lying around here somewhere…ah! Here it is!
Me: Oh.
El Beardo: It’s quite good, don’t you think?
Me: It doesn’t mention A Clown on Fire at all.
El Beardo: Exactly™. Le Clown doesn’t want to be associated with you. At all.
Me: Next question. I have heard it said that Le Clown hates emoticons. Why is this?
El Beardo: Well, actually, in some rare situations he can tolerate™ them.
Me: Really??? Like when?
El Beardo: Like in this picture:
Me: I’m starting to think you don’t like me very much.
El Beardo: I don’t like you any much.
Me: I’m leaving.
El Beardo: Finally!
Me: Say hello to Le Clown when he gets better.
El Beardo: Say hello to your mother the pig™ when you get home to your house at the piggery you™ dumb pig.
As I walked home to the piggery, El Beardo’s words echoed in my ears (I need a new hearing aid.) It was then that I told myself – never settle for second best when you want to interview Le Clown.
