David Harding's Blog

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Dear loved ones,

David Harding R me is about to be put to sleep.

Don’t cry! It’s OK!

You can keep following me at:

meetdavidharding.wordpress.com

There isn’t much there of yet. I haven’t even chosen a theme or a widget (whatever they are) but it will be updated and improved soon enough.

GET ON THE MEETDAVIDHARDING BANDWAGON!

GET OFF THE DAVIDHARDINGRME TRAIN WRECK!

PS: Thank you, thank you for all your funny and lovely comments and Likes and so on over the past year. I have got to meet some of you really, really well. We had a lot of fun, didn’t we! …Didn’t we? I will miss this blog. A lot. But the future looks rosey to me!

It’s been a great ride. I think this comment I got on an early post sums it all up:

He never came back.

Reblogged from stuff i tell my sister:

Back in December, David Harding, his brother and his cousin, Chris, created accidently on purpose a fun little pizza challenge. PizzaBoxDrawcember was the chosen name.  Check out the post.  It's a hoot.  In a nutshell, the challenge was: During the month of December, if you order out pizza, ask them to draw a gorilla playing dice in the lid of the pizza box. 

Read more… 300 more words

Yesterday I went to the offices of blogging clown Le Clown of A Clown on Fire. Clown. I was hoping for an interview but he wasn’t in. The following is a direct transcript of the audio recording I made when I was forced to interview A Bearded Lady on Fire instead.

El Beardo in all her glory

Me: Hi.

El Beardo: Go away.

Me: Um…I was wondering if The Magnificent™ Le Clown was in?

El Beardo: No™.

Me: Where is he™?

El Beardo: None of your business.

Me: I was hoping to interview him.

El Beardo: Impossible. He is home in bed. Sick.

Me: Oh. What’s wrong?

El Beardo: I’m about to call the police.

Me: Please tell me, then I’ll go away.

El Beardo: If you must know, his Magnificence™ has a sore back. A herniated disc, or something. His body is as fragile as Grandma’s underpants.

Me: How do you spell disc, anyway? Is it disk or disc?

El Beardo: I don’t know, you idiot – I can’t see the letters you’re saying.

Me: I’ll write disc.

El Beardo: Okay, whatever. Go away.

Me: Well, could I interview you instead? Who are you anyway?

El Beardo: I am El Beardo™. I work at the Temple de la Clown but help to look after this place when Le Clown™ is hypo on his pain killers. I will allow you to interview me, but only for five minutes max.

Me: My name isn’t Max.

El Beardo led me into Le Clown’s offices. Images of His Magnificence™ adorned the walls. The furniture was covered in velvet or something. It all looked very expensive. Candles were burning in front of an idol made in Le Clown’s likeness™ by carnival folk out of hay and crushed dreams.

Me: So, I can’t help but notice that you are on fire. How did the fire start and does it hurt?

El Beardo: I spontaneously combust whenever a jerk shows up at the front door.

Me: Oh.

El Beardo: It doesn’t hurt. The flames are mostly psychological.

Me: Why is your name El Beardo?

El Beardo: Because it is – look, are you going to ask me any interesting questions or am I going to have to scratch your bare tummy with my whiskers until you bugger™ off?

Me: Okay, um… Okay, okay I’ve got one. Are you really a man in a dress or a woman in a beard?

El Beardo: I’m warning you. If you don’t improve these questions toute de suite, all I have to do is push the big red button on that desk over there, the one under that glass cover thing, and Le Clown and his Carnie™ minions will flock here, tear you to pieces and make it look like an accident.

Me: Crikey! Okay…uh… Le Clown has made badges for people to put on their website to show their love of him. Could he make one for me?

El Beardo: Actually, he already™ has, I think. It was lying around here somewhere…ah! Here it is!

Me: Oh.

El Beardo: It’s quite good, don’t you think?

Me: It doesn’t mention A Clown on Fire at all.

El Beardo: Exactly™. Le Clown doesn’t want to be associated with you. At all.

Me: Next question. I have heard it said that Le Clown hates emoticons. Why is this?

El Beardo: Well, actually, in some rare situations he can tolerate™ them.

Me: Really??? Like when?

El Beardo: Like in this picture:

Me: I’m starting to think you don’t like me very much.

El Beardo: I don’t like you any much.

Me: I’m leaving.

El Beardo: Finally!

Me: Say hello to Le Clown when he gets better.

El Beardo: Say hello to your mother the pig™ when you get home to your house at the piggery you™ dumb pig.

As I walked home to the piggery, El Beardo’s words echoed in my ears (I need a new hearing aid.) It was then that I told myself – never settle for second best when you want to interview Le Clown.

Michael.

Michael! Are you there?

They said that you were.

There.

Michael.

So answer the door,

Or call out the window.

Michael!

You are not a hermit,

So why do I need a permit,

Just to see you, Michael?

Michael?

Michael.

Michael.

It’s a strange feeling when you realise something for the first time. This is especially true when what you realise is about yourself. This is especially double true when what you realise is something you have been taking for granted your whole life. This is especially triple true when you have this happen twice.

Following all this? Let’s put it another way…

Realisation 1:

I don’t look at people or places as I walk. I look down at the ground passing beneath me.

I realised this was true and that not everyone else does this, after my wife Jh said unto me for the millionth time, ‘Did you see that shirt?!’ And I replied, ‘What shirt?’

I always thought I wasn’t perceptive but actually I just spend my time looking at the footpath. Which makes me …unperceptive, but whatever.

Realisation 2:

I don’t look at people’s eyes when I speak to them, I look at their mouths.

I’ve known this for a while now because sometimes people think I am a rude freak for not ‘looking at them’ as we speak. But now I’ve realised how this affects me in other ways.

Jh always asks me to describe people she hasn’t met and wants to know their eye colour. I never know. I know that she and our two boys have brown eyes. But that’s all. I think I have blue eyes but I’ll check that. I have NO idea what colour eyes anyone in my family has. Also, I am ATROCIOUS at remembering people’s names. I think my name is David but I’ll check that. This could be because I don’t register what other people look like when I meet them. Except for their lips, anyway.

So there you go. Analyse ye, analyse ye, and perchance thee will cometh to the realisation that I haveth major issues!

A little while ago I was at my cousin‘s house and he pulled out a game. A game I had forgotten existed. A game I made for him for Christmas in 2000. A game of glory and wonder. Das Shpoons!!!

Das outside

Der insiden

Und, der bestestzmen uff all: de instructionz!

I don’t know what is more amazing, my racism or the fact Chris has kept this in mint condition for twelve years.

Spoons was a game we played on camps and stuff and I thought, ‘That fashizzle is so up in the word you should be packin’ that all up fo’ yo’ peeps!’ So I did.

Now as a prototype of Gorilla Dice is nearing completion (you heard that right, pimps) It’s interesting to walk the road I have previously travelled upon en route to this place here that which I am in now.

You know that game where you write a sentence, fold the paper over and write the first word of the next line for another person to complete, on and one ad infinitum, e pluribus unum?

No? Then get out from under your rock and/or roll and read the results of when my wife Jh and I did that thing I just said that you could do just then up there!

I am in bold, Jh is un unbold.

Once there was an escape artist named Humphrey. He liked to paint escapes.

He was an omnivore by trade and a kind and gentle lover.

He liked to eat nuts. Or cheese. Pretzels. Umm… Chips maybe.

“Yum! What a delicious branch, no slugs or anything!” Most of the branches he ate were full of

Slugs and pretzels climbed the walls as he sat and pondered his future. What could he be instead of an escape artist? Rope handler? Rope twirler? Soap on a rope tester? Something not to do with rope?

And then he wondered whether he should add a little cheese to his diet

Because of this, he died of shock. Which is quite shocking.

The end!

Okay so it didn’t really work but I hope you find this story charming and not too SHOCKING!?!

This is Humphrey, just at the time he was pondering his future.

Image: Lacosteliveblog.com

When I hold you in my hand,

I hope you’ll understand,

That I love you so! Dear nacho.

When I taste your cheese,

And your crunch chippies,

I just wanna crow, ‘Dear nacho!’

I’d cut off my foot

If I could never put

You in my mouth like so, dear nacho.

Now it’s time to sup,

I’d like to wrap this up,

Just like a burrito, dear nacho.

So please don’t ever leave,

Or I’ll forever grieve,

Rain or sun or snow, dear nacho!


Image: salsas.com.au

It’s been a while since one of my hard-hitting reviews of retro kid’s books. That’s right, people! I hold no punches when critiquing what it is that children read (pronounced ‘reed’) or read (pronounced ‘red’)!

Title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Sky High

Published: 1990 by Bantam Doubleday/Mirage Studios

Pages: 73

Cost: $0 (foraged)

This is a really good book. I really liked it, though there was almost no fighting in it. I don’t remember the turtles ever using any of their weapons in the book. Master Splinter uses a weapon two times, but once it is at the start when he is training the turtles so it doesn’t count and the other time it was just this ball thing on a string that hit the bad guy Leatherhead on his head when he wasn’t looking. This book needed lots more fighting but it was still really good. Let me tell you why!

This book is all about when Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael all discover that Shredder is planning to go into space in a rocket! The turtles decide to chase him and stop him in space! This was a fun thing for the turtles to do in a book! I didn’t like how Mike and Raph did all the cool things and did all the talking. All the turtles are popular and should have got a turn. My favourite is Leonardo who is blue and has really cool swords but he didn’t do anything. Donatello got to use a screwdriver in the space rocket and he is probably the least popular turtle. Leo got to do nothing except say ‘Yes, sensei,’ to Splinter. He didn’t use his cool swords once. None of the turtles used their weapons. Actually, I really like Donatello’s weapon and his colour is purple. Raphael has the worst colour because it is red which is almost a girl’s colour and he did everything in this book. Mikey did a lot too but he is funny so that’s OK.

This is a picture of Leo, Raph, Don and Mikey and Splinter learning about Shredder’s plan.

I don’t have time to tell you all the fun things that happen in this book. I will just tell you some things quickly. It was funny when they order a pizza with chocolate buttons on it. It was good when they flew in the turtle airship. Fighting Leatherhead in the sewer was really good but I don’t know why he was in there. And it was exciting when they sneaked into the spaceship. And it was funny when Mikey fainted but instead of throwing water on his face they threw Coke(TM) in his face!

Now I will tell you some of the bad things in this book. I don’t think Shredder pretending to be an astronaut called Munro was a good thing. I think the other astronauts would have recognised him. Also it was hard to understand how the turtles could be good astronauts and space walkers without training at the space base. Shredder too. Also, the book is called Sky High but they go into space so it should really be called Space High. The worst thing of all was there was almost no fighting and no weapons at all. But it was a good book!

This is a picture of Shredder dressed up as the astronaut called Munroe.

So, did Shredder succeed in his plans? Did the turtles catch him? Read this book and find out!!!!

PS: They don’t get Shredder at the end. He gets away because they didn’t really fight him or use any weapons on him. But it is still a very good book. I give it 10/10.