I don’t speak Man. It’s not a language I’m eager to speak fluently. But after years of confusion and embarrassing misinterpretation, I’d like to share my learnings with my female readers (all 2 of you) to save you from awkward questions.

1. Quotes from stupid movies

Vince Vaughn and the Wedding Crashers are quoted with fervent frequency. Just don’t ask. You don’t want to know what “motor-boating” means.

2. Offensive references for women

As clarification to men, being called a MILF is not a compliment, even if men think being called a DILF is.

3. “mm-hmm, uh-huh, oh really?”

If you’re having a conversation with a man and these are the only words he’s saying, he’s not listening, but rather thinking about sex, sports or food. But not all at the same time because that would be multi-tasking and impossible for a man.

4. Expressions containing references to balls

Admittedly, the term “balls” has crossed the gender line (e.g., having balls, growing balls, etc) but more aggressive iterations, such as “balls to the wall” have not.  As a point of comparison, would a woman ever say, “grow a vagina”?

5. Guy code

As a testament to the strength of the guy code, I haven’t quite cracked this one yet.