This is the second part in the series on child abuse. I apologize for posting this later than I planned. This is due to the fact that my schedule just became a little bit more tighter, as my book presentation beckons next weekend, 6th June, at the E-Library auditorium, in Uyo, Akwa Ibom State. I thank God however, that I am able to do this. I


At a fair in the UK




I  thought of editing the answers to make the post shorter, as Mrs. Akindolie was gracious enough to send me a 13-page response on this issue of child sexual abuse. I know it cost her a lot, and  was really a labor of love/evidence of strong passion for her to sit down and write these answers; when passion speaks, it is evident for all to see, hence, I have decided to share them, as is, but serialize into parts. I know that this is a burning topic with most parents/guardians, and most would want to know what can be done to make the society a little safer for this fledglings. Do read on, and share your thoughts. God bless you all. 



Mrs. Akindolie's latest book on Child Sexual Abuse







Q. Let us
have a glimpse of your person- marital status, educational qualifications, work
history, state of origin, etc




A. My name is ChristianahAbosedeAkindolie, Founder/Project Coordinator, Christianah
Fate Foundation (an NGO). Proudly Nigerian and a native of Ondo town in Ondo
State.I am married to a dedicated and committed man of God, Pastor Olugbemi.  We have three lovely children who I call
Arrows of God.  I actually grew up in a northern
state in Nigeria (Maiduguri precisely) due to my father’s frequent job transfers.
I had my primary and secondary school education in Maiduguri, after which my
dad was transferred to Lagos. I obtained a National Diploma in Secretarial
Administration from the  Federal
Polytechnic Ilaro in Ogun State. I had a brief stint with Costain West Africa
Ltd after which I moved on to work as a civil servant in one of the government owned establishments.  I later obtained a
Bachelor of Science Degree in Social Science from the Lagos State
University.  I have attended numerous
local and international courses in the last twenty years in addition to my
working experience.






Q. What motivated the decision to set up your NGO, Christianah Fate Foundation,
and what is its thrust or focus? How long has it been in existence?






A. It
got to a point in my life that I did not fill fulfilled, even though I was
living comfortably with a good job.  When
I clocked 40, I asked God for what will give me fulfillment apart from my salary
paying job.  I needed to work for God and
affect humanity, I really wanted to discover my real self. I took some time off
work to seek the face of God. Dr. Myles Munroe’s books (God bless him) helped me
discover purpose while Pastor Mathew Ashomolowo’s teachings and books is
helping me in the journey of fulfilling purpose! God clearly instructed me to
visit a secondary school and speak with the girls on Virginity.  There was so much argument in my spirit as I
struggled with the idea of talking about such an “unpopular” topic. Anyway, I
eventually had a session with the girls and what transpired baffled me.  It was so shocking that during the counseling
session, there were reported cases of sexual abuse.  I got home with such a heavy heart.  Then the Lord spoke to me – “There goes your
vision, run after it”.  As a Social
Scientist, I searched and got everything I could on Child Sexual Abuse.

The
Lord started opening my eyes to a lot of issues surrounding child sexual
abuse.  I spoke to parents at every forum
I am opportune to.  In fact I was
virtually pleading to get IVs to speak in faith-based organizations and schools
(Now I have more than I can cope with). Christianah Fate Foundation was
established in 2010 (but registered with CAC in 2011) with a vision to see
children enjoy their childhood free of any form of abuse. Our main focus is to empower
children, Educate parents and Train Teachers on issues surrounding child sexual
abuse.






Q. Do you think that the sexual abuse of
children is assuming gigantic proportion in our country? What could be the
reason for this menace?




A. Child
sexual abuse has been in existence over the years, but we never knew it was
there. I recently spoke with a grandmother who actually spoke of her experience
during her childhood days.  She never
knew it was sexual abuse, not until she heard me speak about it. The thing is
that people like us are beginning to create awareness using the media (print
and electronic).  We have developed
education tools to help empower children to speak and not keep any secrets. The
media has been very helpful to expose the evil deeds of child sexual abusers in
Nigeria.  My Foundation held a training
last year for the media and other stakeholders where we educated them on the
need to partner with NGOs to educate the society on how to protect their
children from sexual abuse.  I will say,
they have been very helpful as I have written articles for some national
newspapers and magazines on this issue.




Child
sexual abuse is a silent epidemic.  It is
happening in so many homes today, yet people are not aware of its
existence.  I have come across countless
teenagers who have told me their experiences, and of course over 90% of such
cases are not known to the parents. I remember during my childhood, my father
worked while mum had a business (not too far from the house), so she was
virtually taking care of us.  But what do
we have now, due to the economic situation in the world today, women have to
work to augment their husband’s salary. 
Who takes care of the children?  They
are at the mercy of domestic staff, relatives, neighbors, drivers, teachers, lesson
teachers, swim instructors etc.  Children
are left at the mercy of these potential abusers.  Many parents pay people to play their
parental roles for them. During a question and answer session, a young boy of
11 asked me a question which touched my heart – “But why don’t our parents have time for us? They always say they are
working to pay for our school fees.” Imagine a little boy already aware of his parent’s busy schedule.I
remember a friend of mine who decided to quit a good paying job just to take
care of her children. It was a sacrifice she had to make because the risk of
abuse was very high considering the people surrounding her kids – cook, nanny,
driver, laundry man, gate man etc. Moreover, parents are not close enough to
their children, I mean having a very close and friendly relationship with them.







Q. In working with sexually abused
children, what have been some of your heart rending experiences? Talk about
your high and low points, including milestone achievements.




A. Due
to the confidentiality of this topic, I will not be able to disclose in
details.  At various sessions with
children and teenagers, I have come across abuses from uncles, aunties,
neighbors, teachers, step-fathers, fathers, house helps etc.  Even adults have come to break the silence of
past abuses.




In
2012 alone, Christianah Fate Foundation was able to reach out to over 20,000
parents, children and teachers in schools and faith-based organizations. We
made 3 television appearances and 7 radio live shows in 2012. One of our major achievements
theofficial opening of our office on 19thMay 2012 – CHILD SEXUAL
ABUSE AWARENESS AND PREVENTION CENTRE located in Road 5, Block Suite 10 Ikota
Shopping Complex VGC, Lekki.  Our
services include counseling sessions, workshops for children and parents, providing
educative and preventive materials. 
Sexual abuse cases can be reported to our office which will be handed
over to the appropriate authorities. We also operate a help line for children
and parents who want get answers to issues concerning sexual abuse. 

Addressing tailors on the topic of child abuse






It shouldn’t hurt to be a child school
community project run by CFF recently partnered with
Eti-Osa Local Education District to educate pupils in 36 public nursery and
primary schools.  We covered only 5
schools last year with 2,275 pupils in Ogombo, Sango-Tedo, Badore, Langbasa and
Ikota. Due to lack of funds we could not reach out to the remaining 31 schools,
but we hope to do some this year (2013). 
The discoveries made during the project were really overwhelming. These
children are more vulnerable because they live in clustered houses; many of them
hawk around the streets. As a result of the project, we organized a special
training session for all the Guardian Counselors of the Local Education
District.  A club known as, War Against
Sexual Harassment (WASH) was launched in all the District. We also took a step
further in April this year to launch out the – It shouldn’t hurt to be a child community project in Ogombo,
Awoyaya, Sango-Tedo, Badore-Addo and Ikota. 
CFF volunteers created awareness in these communities on 10th-11th
April.  These were giant strides for us.













Q. Have you ever reached a point where you have felt like giving up? If yes,
why? Talk about some of your strong challenges.






A.Yes
I have on several occasions.  In fact
recently, a voice kept telling asking me “Why are you doing this? “What have
you gained so far? Are you really sure of what you are doing?“You are alone in
this”! Sometimes I feel lonely, depressed and worn-out.  I shared this with my husband who quickly
rebuked these thoughts from the enemy. Each time it comes, I usually tell the voice
- “I have laid my hand on the plough, it is too late to go back”.  Each time I hear of any case of sexual abuse,
I feel as if my effort is not good enough. Recently, I got a phone call from a
little child of 8 year, all she said was “Aunty, thank you for giving us the
“10 smart rules to help protect children from sexual abuse”. I was really
encouraged and my spirit was lifted up. Compliments from parents and the
unfailing support from my volunteers and partners have been overwhelming.

With Coach Anna






A
big challenge we normally face is the attitude of some parents whose children
are victims of abuse.  Only God can help
us curb this epidemic because most times, the perpetrators are allowed to go
scot free. Some parents retreat from prosecuting the abuser due to stigmatization,
family intervention, impatience, emotional blackmail, poverty etc. 




We
are operating at a very small level due to lack of funds.  Most of our projects are self-funded except a
few assistance from friends and family who believe in what I am doing. The more
funds we get, the more children we can reach out to.

House of Cedar Youth Empowerment program








Q. How can you tell, when a child has been sexually abused or harassed, and
what immediate steps can an adult take to help the child? Also, in a situation
where the abuse is being perpetrated by the parent, how does one help the
child?






A. Parents must first of all be aware that
child sexual abuse exists and he or she must be properly educated on how to
identify a sexually abused child.  Let me
share a few of them. The physical signs of sexual abuse could be, when you
notice a child who would normally walk well, but suddenly hesitates while
walking or you could notice that a child is in pain when walking.  A victim could also find it difficult to
urinate or having a bowel movement.  A
mother may notice that when she wants to bath her child’s private part, there’s
hesitation.  A mother discovered a child
was sexually abused through this sign. 
Some victims have nightmares, they could scream from their sleep,
sweating and agitated. Victims could also be infected with sexually transmitted
diseases (STDs), bruises on the breast and vagina.  Victims also exhibit some behavioral and
psychologically signs such as aggressiveness, loneliness, depression, low
grades in school, fear of a certain place or person etc . There are lots of them,
parents can get my books titled: Child Sexual Abuse, A Silent Epidemic and
Understanding Child Sexual Abuse, for many more signs to watch out for.




When a parent discovers that his/her child
has been sexually abused, please such a parent must be very calm, I mean really
calm.  Why I am emphasizing on this is
because so many parents have allowed their children to withdraw from telling
them details of what happened.   A child
could even deny it if he/she notices a rather aggressive reaction from them
(the parents). First let the child know you believe his/her!  This is very important because a child will
surely see it in your eyes.  Do not blame
the victim, rather thank him/her for telling (which is usually very difficult).
Make the child as comfortable as possible and allow him/her to tell the
story.  Let the child know that it was
never his/her fault and help is available. If it is rape, the child will need
immediate medical attention.  It is also
important to know that evidence such as the clothes should not be washed but
kept in a plastic bag.  Make an immediate
report to the nearest police station for referral to a government hospital.






There has been several cases of abuse
taking place between children and their parents, especially the fathers who are
physically and emotionally stronger.  We
need to let children know that they can get help even if their father is
abusing them.  The Lagos State Ministry
of Women and Poverty Alleviation is doing her best to help children.  Also the Child Protection Network in
conjunction with UNICEF is helping children who find themselves in this
condition.  For us, we have partnering
with other NGOs who are ready to help such victims.  So we encourage children to speak out and they
will surely get help. Any adult that notices that a child is being abused by
the parents should not keep quiet, rather report to the appropriate authorities
and that child will get help (you do not need to give your name, all we need is
the information about the child’s location etc).







Q. In the Western world, there is a wealth of information on child sexual
abuse, but in our country, silence, due to fear of stigmatization and myriads other reasons, seem to be the culture. What do you think can be done to
encourage victims to speak out against this menace and thus help bring the
perpetrators to book?  







A.Yes you are right, very few information is
available on sexual abuse in this part of the world. My organization has been
forth coming in the area of providing necessary information on issues
surrounding child sexual abuse.  We
believe when people have knowledge, they have power to break the silence and
resist abuse in their homes. In my years of educating people, I have met a lot
of adults and children who have broken the silence of abuse. You see we need to
provide the environment for people to speak out their minds. It is not usually
easy for a victim to disclose abuse. During our school project, one of the
teachers was shocked and wondered by some of the victims did not tell.  I told her that they enabling environment was
not provided. Some have kept it in a part of the heart for over 20-50 years
without telling anyone until they were provided the atmosphere to speak.  Even repentant perpetrators themselves need
such environment to confess what they have done so that they can get
forgiveness and peace in their hearts. Our Foundation also helps Abusers who
are ready to turn a new leaf. I think we need to provide more materials, do a
lot of enlightenment workshops and seminars in Nigeria, because some people
don’t even know that sexual abuse exist (yes, I get surprise faces when I speak
on conferences and faith-based programs).




Many people are scared to report an
abuser, they prefer settling it within the family or neighborhood.  What they do not know is that child sexual
abuse will continue to multiply as long as perpetrators are allowed to go
free.  A teacher who sexually abuses a
student and is sacked from work will definitely get an appointment to teach in
another school. Of course the new employers do not know his past history.






Q. Who is more susceptible to sexual abuse, the male or female child? What are
the situations or conditions that enable sexual abuse thrive?






A. Research has shown that 1 out of 3 girls
are sexually abused by age 18, while 1 out 6 boys are abused before age
18.  So you can see from the statistics
that girls are more susceptible to sexual abuse.  A parent once told me that she is happy that
her children are boys.  I told her not to
rejoice because boys are also sexually abused. 
She was shocked to the bones. 
Boys find it difficult to report abuse, may be because of our culture
and the way we bring up our male child 
We usually tell them ‘you are the man of the house’, ‘boys do not cry’
and moreover it gets to a stage, boys enjoy it, yes they do.  It is so pathetic.




Sexual abuse thrives in homes where love
is not expressed.  Let me explain
this.  An abuser once said, “Give me five
minutes with a family and I will know whether I can abuse their kids”.  He said if the parents don’t hug, smile,
speak loving words or buy stuff for their kids, then it will be easier to abuse
the children.   He will then go ahead to
show the kids love and affection by hugging, flattering them with sweet words,
buy gifts to entice them.  He could show
support and solidarity even the victim is scolded for doing anything
wrong. 






Abuse also strives in
unsettled homes.  These are homes where
couples are always quarreling and fighting each other in the full glare of the
kids. When parents delegate their roles to domestic staff without proper monitoring,
of course such children are under their control. 




To be continued....