This illustration from EatYourLipstick on Family Rules is pretty great, but it covers the rules of a very small minority of families in America. These are the far more common rules from the house where I grew up:

- Don’t shotgun murder your parents!

- No meth!

- Evidence goes in the neighbor’s trash cans.

- When strangers call, we’re never home.

- 9-1-1 is a luxury, not a right.

- No dark rituals in the back or side yards. Basement only!

- And remember, above all: they’re not pets, they’re dinner.

When you’re a guest in someone else’s home:

- Always wipe your fingerprints!

- Refill any booze you drink with water or tea.

- Saying “Please” and “Thank you” ensures your victim’s cooperation.

Useless.