From a dear reader and (creative) fan. You're a star! AMD

2 DECEMBER 2013: In a week that has been filled with a surprising number of literary delivery method revelations, from Amazon’s announcement that it will soon be launching drone strikes against your house to Waterstone’s retaliatory announcement of a 10-15 year plan to train owls in paperback delivery, thriller author A.M. Dean has stepped into the arena of innovative book delivery methods with his company's own contribution.

‘We’re particularly pleased that Mr Dean is taking the lead in this forward-thinking new concept in the book-buying experience,’ a spokesman for the author said, just minutes after the launch of Dean’s new service, to be known as the “Situational Literary Authorship Concept for the Keenly Enthusiastic Reader”, or S.L.A.C.K.E.R. for short.

‘All the major players in the field are working with old concepts,’ Dean said during the press event in central London this afternoon. ‘Whether it’s Amazon’s three-year-pathway to drone delivery, or Waterstone’s ten-year plan for owl-based express shipments, all the distributors are basing themselves on the same, outdated model: authors write a book, and sellers move the book into the hands of readers.’

‘But it’s a model that always involves a middle man,’ Dean continued, ‘whether it’s robotic or ornithological. We are the only group planning to remove the middle man all together, and bring the book-writing and book-buying experiences into a singular, harmonious whole.’

A.M. Dean’s Situational Literary Authorship Concept for the Keenly Enthusiastic Reader works on a remarkably simply premise.

‘For a modest additional charge over the base cost of the novel, A.M. Dean will arrive at the purchaser's home, sit in their living room with a pad of paper, and write the book in their house. That’s it. No delivery method needed. No shipping time. No P&P. Your next book, in your house, literally the very moment it’s released.’

When asked whether the SLACKER programme would involve any hidden fees or charges, Dean’s spokesperson acknowledged that certain operational costs would be passed along the consumer, including room and board for Mr Dean during the writing process, ‘a hell of a lot of Scotch, pretty much 24 hours a day’, and the need for a purchasing family to entirely vacate their home for lengthy periods of the writing process to provide a ‘quiet, creative space’. It was also noted that Dean 'does not like pets, people, traditional or modern architecture or interior decorating styles,' and that purchasers of novels on the SLACKER programme may need to allocate sufficient funding to accommodate the increasingly whimsical and eccentric demands of the author.

‘But after a nine- to eleven-month period of storyline incubation and writing,’ Dean added, ‘you'll literally have my next book in your hands, the very second it’s finished. No waiting. None of this thirty minutes of waiting for Amazon to bomb your house from the skies.’

When asked whether the scheme’s increase of the cost of a paperback novel from £6.99 to a projected £350,000.00 might put off consumers given the tight economic circumstances of the financial downturn, Dean’s spokesperson replied, ‘We’re confident that if people are genuinely taking Amazon’s offer to deliver their books by drone seriously, we’ll find a market ready to meet the modest price increase of a SLACKER-produced and delivered novel.’