Have you given up on ever feeling those excited butterfly feelings in your stomach, or the dizzying feelings of the happiness you had with your first kiss with your recovering partner again? Do those good feelings feel so far in the distance that you wonder if they ever were really there in the first place? Even if that is where you are starting from, chances are high that you can learn how to capture first kisses if you are willing to step away from your iphone, computer, TV, or whatever else it is you’re spending your extra time on, and step into focusing on your relationship. The key to having many first kisses, is for you and your recovering partner to agree to get out of your heads, back into your bodies, and feel yourselves in the present moment in the presence of the other. You didn’t think this was going to take no work at all, did you?

Most people go running for the hills when I suggest they stop and feel their insides. That is understandable because it initially can feel very distressful. Who wants to welcome anxiety, depression, anger and loneliness in? Even more, who in their right mind wants to feel those feelings in the face of his or her partner? Practically no one. Well, let me speak for myself. I don’t. And, since I’m not from Mars, I think it is fair to assume most of you don’t either.

Fortunately, uncomfortable emotional states are not permanent, and paradoxically, when given permission to exist, they will start to rise up and out of your body. Honestly, when you consciously lean into your distressful feelings, they actually begin to vaporize. This leaves some space for feelings of ease, safety, well-being, and sensuality to come in. Kind of like cleaning out old clothes from your closet to make room for new ones. Only you don’t have to lift a finger to do this.

Most of us are too busy trying to keep our outsides afloat to afford the luxury of finding the real time it takes to seek out our inner pastures. Even the most devoted mindful meditator can get caught up in the hamster wheel of daily living. But, if you are in the business of reclaiming the exquisite experience of first kisses with your partner, you are going to have to find some time to do that.

If you are game, stop right now, sit down, close your eyes, take a breath, and welcome yourself into yourself with a little self talk by saying, “Hi me. Sorry I’ve been running around without you for days on end. I don’t mean to neglect you, but, god damn it. Life is hard.” Then, don’t get up until you have passed through the portal of discomfort and into the portal of comfort. This could take a few minutes, so, be patient. Ever hold hot coals in your hands?

Next, ask your partner to come over and sit next to you. Tell them you want to experience a first kiss with them again. Trust me, they will fall on the floor with gratitude. Or, total terror. Either way, keep going. Tell him or her you are experimenting with what might be possible for the two of you because you have not given up on having deep love and connection in this lifetime. Yes, say that. It may sound cheeseball on paper, but it won’t in person. Let your partner think you’ve gone crazy. I’d rather they think you’ve gone crazy, then thinking you’re a zombie and have no lust for life anymore. MInd you, this effort is for recovering couples that have been in a long term relationship, plan to stay together, and know in their heart of hearts they want to love each other.

If you’ve braved the waters to ask your partner to come sit next to you, and he or she has stopped rolling his or her eyes and wondering what the hell you’re up to, say the following: ”I read this blog recently. And, Dr. Berg suggested an exercise that I think might be worth trying. She says we don’t have to feel any which way doing this exercise. We just have to be willing to sit next to each other, breathe and meet ourselves where we are at this moment in time.” It always helps to blame someone else for the weird stuff you want to ask your partner do with you. I don’t mind being blamed at all.

Once your partner has agreed, let them know that this exercise has two parts to it. The first is to sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. Close your eyes and breathe. Alternate saying out loud exactly how you each are feeling. Have no judgement or opinion about what the other is expressing. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling scared and self-conscious.” Okay, fine. And then your partner might say, “I feel numb and ridiculous.” Okay, fine. Just keep tracking back and forth what each of you is feeling in the moment. Do not analyze or question why the other is feeling what they are feeling. Feelings have a mind of their own, so just let them keep rolling out. Do this until you have landed on just feeling calm and curious. Then you are going alternate saying to each other, “I want to love you right now in this very moment.” As you do this, see if you can bring your awareness into the present. See if you can allow yourself to feel what you feel in your heart. The most important rule is not to get impatient or stop before you get to the finishing line. This is not an exercise for the faint of heart, or for those who feel entitled to immediate gratification. By the way, if you haven’t already caught on, this is called, “foreplay.”

When you have arrived into the zone of curious and calm you are ready for part B. Tell your partner, “One of us is going to go first and the other is going to go second. The person who goes first, kisses his or her partner until he or she says they can feel you and feel your kiss. The kiss-ee is in charge of the kisser. The kisser agrees to slows down and sink deeper into his or her heart until the kiss-ee says he or she can feel the kisser and the kiss.Then, the kisser becomes the kiss-ee and does the same.This may take many trials. You both may end up in tears of frustration, or feel your blood pressure go through the roof, making you want to jump up and quit. Don’t. Stay with it until you can neutralize the situation, calm down, and feel a state of curiosity and play with each other. Ever try to find a needle in a hay stack? It’s in there somewhere.

I promise you, each time you sit down and do this with your partner, and the more often you do it, you will be laying the groundwork for co-creating first kisses over and over again. If you pursue this as if your life’s happiness depends on it, your relationship will stop being controlled by distressed feelings taking you away from potential first kisses, deeper intimacy and hot sex.

If you and your partner are willing to tolerate distress and make yourselves known to the other, you will start to re-ignite honeymoon happiness foreplay. This, in turn, re-ignites great first kisses, which re-ignites chemistry, which, in turn, re-ignites sexuality. The only way I have ever seen a couple fail at this exercise is when they give up on themselves too soon and collapse back into texting safely from the next room. I encourage you to be patient, and be brave. You are worth it. Your partner is worth it. And, your relationship is worth it. Let the games begin!