Beverly Berg's Blog

You were always complaining about your partner being so dependent on you, but it is what made you feel secure. You complained that your partner was always home sitting on the couch drunk or stoned, but at least you always knew where they were. Your partner complained that you were always on his or her back every second, but it is what made them feel cared for.

Recovery has a sneaky way of interrupting all of your dysfunctional patterns leaving you shivering in your boots fearing that you may not know what is keeping you together at this point. The sober couple usually attempts to solve their frustrations by returning to the comfort and familiarity of enmeshment, hiding and denying differences to avoid conflict or engaging in angry escalating arguments, hoping to convince their partner to agree in order to find togetherness. All of this results in repetitive, stifling, and unproductive interactions. Most sober couples are driven to seek outside help because of the threatening feelings individuation can ignite. The couple that resists asking for help inevitably regresses, starts fighting, and may even relapse. Love yourself enough to reach out for help.

It’s a new year coming. Give your relationship half a running chance at not just surviving, but thriving in 2014. Happy New Year!

You were always complaining about your partner being so dependent on you, but it is what made you feel secure. You complained that your partner was on your back every second, but it is what made you feel cared for. You complained that your partner was always home sitting on the couch drunk or stoned, but at least you always knew where they were.

Recovery has a sneaky way of interrupting all of your dysfunctional patterns leaving you shivering in your boots fearing that you may not know what is keeping you together at this point.  The sober couple usually attempts to solve their frustrations by returning to the comfort and familiarity of enmeshment, hiding and denying differences to avoid conflict or engaging in angry escalating arguments, hoping to convince their partner to agree in order to find togetherness.  All of this results in repetitive, stifling, and unproductive interactions. Most sober couples are driven to seek outside help because of the threatening feelings individuation can ignite.    The couple that resists asking for help inevitably regresses, starts fighting, and may even relapse. Love yourself enough to reach out for help.

It’s a new year coming. Give your relationship half a running chance at not just surviving, but thriving in 2014.  Happy New Year!

Have you given up on ever feeling those excited butterfly feelings in your stomach, or the dizzying feelings of the happiness you had with your first kiss with your recovering partner again? Do those good feelings feel so far in the distance that you wonder if they ever were really there in the first place? Even if that is where you are starting from, chances are high that you can learn how to capture first kisses if you are willing to step away from your iphone, computer, TV, or whatever else it is you’re spending your extra time on, and step into focusing on your relationship. The key to having many first kisses, is for you and your recovering partner to agree to get out of your heads, back into your bodies, and feel yourselves in the present moment in the presence of the other. You didn’t think this was going to take no work at all, did you?

Most people go running for the hills when I suggest they stop and feel their insides. That is understandable because it initially can feel very distressful. Who wants to welcome anxiety, depression, anger and loneliness in? Even more, who in their right mind wants to feel those feelings in the face of his or her partner? Practically no one. Well, let me speak for myself. I don’t. And, since I’m not from Mars, I think it is fair to assume most of you don’t either.

Fortunately, uncomfortable emotional states are not permanent, and paradoxically, when given permission to exist, they will start to rise up and out of your body. Honestly, when you consciously lean into your distressful feelings, they actually begin to vaporize. This leaves some space for feelings of ease, safety, well-being, and sensuality to come in. Kind of like cleaning out old clothes from your closet to make room for new ones. Only you don’t have to lift a finger to do this.

Most of us are too busy trying to keep our outsides afloat to afford the luxury of finding the real time it takes to seek out our inner pastures. Even the most devoted mindful meditator can get caught up in the hamster wheel of daily living. But, if you are in the business of reclaiming the exquisite experience of first kisses with your partner, you are going to have to find some time to do that.

If you are game, stop right now, sit down, close your eyes, take a breath, and welcome yourself into yourself with a little self talk by saying, “Hi me. Sorry I’ve been running around without you for days on end. I don’t mean to neglect you, but, god damn it. Life is hard.” Then, don’t get up until you have passed through the portal of discomfort and into the portal of comfort. This could take a few minutes, so, be patient. Ever hold hot coals in your hands?

Next, ask your partner to come over and sit next to you. Tell them you want to experience a first kiss with them again. Trust me, they will fall on the floor with gratitude. Or, total terror. Either way, keep going. Tell him or her you are experimenting with what might be possible for the two of you because you have not given up on having deep love and connection in this lifetime. Yes, say that. It may sound cheeseball on paper, but it won’t in person. Let your partner think you’ve gone crazy. I’d rather they think you’ve gone crazy, then thinking you’re a zombie and have no lust for life anymore. MInd you, this effort is for recovering couples that have been in a long term relationship, plan to stay together, and know in their heart of hearts they want to love each other.

If you’ve braved the waters to ask your partner to come sit next to you, and he or she has stopped rolling his or her eyes and wondering what the hell you’re up to, say the following: ”I read this blog recently. And, Dr. Berg suggested an exercise that I think might be worth trying. She says we don’t have to feel any which way doing this exercise. We just have to be willing to sit next to each other, breathe and meet ourselves where we are at this moment in time.” It always helps to blame someone else for the weird stuff you want to ask your partner do with you. I don’t mind being blamed at all.

Once your partner has agreed, let them know that this exercise has two parts to it. The first is to sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. Close your eyes and breathe. Alternate saying out loud exactly how you each are feeling. Have no judgement or opinion about what the other is expressing. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling scared and self-conscious.” Okay, fine. And then your partner might say, “I feel numb and ridiculous.” Okay, fine. Just keep tracking back and forth what each of you is feeling in the moment. Do not analyze or question why the other is feeling what they are feeling. Feelings have a mind of their own, so just let them keep rolling out. Do this until you have landed on just feeling calm and curious. Then you are going alternate saying to each other, “I want to love you right now in this very moment.” As you do this, see if you can bring your awareness into the present. See if you can allow yourself to feel what you feel in your heart. The most important rule is not to get impatient or stop before you get to the finishing line. This is not an exercise for the faint of heart, or for those who feel entitled to immediate gratification. By the way, if you haven’t already caught on, this is called, “foreplay.”

When you have arrived into the zone of curious and calm you are ready for part B. Tell your partner, “One of us is going to go first and the other is going to go second. The person who goes first, kisses his or her partner until he or she says they can feel you and feel your kiss. The kiss-ee is in charge of the kisser. The kisser agrees to slows down and sink deeper into his or her heart until the kiss-ee says he or she can feel the kisser and the kiss.Then, the kisser becomes the kiss-ee and does the same.This may take many trials. You both may end up in tears of frustration, or feel your blood pressure go through the roof, making you want to jump up and quit. Don’t. Stay with it until you can neutralize the situation, calm down, and feel a state of curiosity and play with each other. Ever try to find a needle in a hay stack? It’s in there somewhere.

I promise you, each time you sit down and do this with your partner, and the more often you do it, you will be laying the groundwork for co-creating first kisses over and over again. If you pursue this as if your life’s happiness depends on it, your relationship will stop being controlled by distressed feelings taking you away from potential first kisses, deeper intimacy and hot sex.

If you and your partner are willing to tolerate distress and make yourselves known to the other, you will start to re-ignite honeymoon happiness foreplay. This, in turn, re-ignites great first kisses, which re-ignites chemistry, which, in turn, re-ignites sexuality. The only way I have ever seen a couple fail at this exercise is when they give up on themselves too soon and collapse back into texting safely from the next room. I encourage you to be patient, and be brave. You are worth it. Your partner is worth it. And, your relationship is worth it. Let the games begin!

Selfish people need to learn how to give a rat’s ass about other people’s needs.  If you are one of those people, and you want to learn how to give a rat’s ass about other people’s needs, then this blog entry is not for you. That’s the blog entry that tells you to quit reading and get up and go help someone.

Okay, unselfish people, listen up. For the next 30 days, every hour on the hour, stop and ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” Then, whenever possible, give yourself what you come up with. For example, if you think, “Wow, I would love a cupcake right now,” then go get yourself one. Obviously I’m not suggesting that you become a big, fat glutton. I’m just trying to help you get out of the habit of depriving yourself and into the habit of tasting what the good life has to offer. For the record, there is pleasure to be had everywhere, and it’s time you turned your attention toward finding it. That includes cupcakes and otherwise.

Next, in relationship to others, stop and ask yourself in each and every encounter with another, “Hmmmm, I know there could be something in it for them, after all, I know how to give a rat’s ass about others, but, what’s in it for me?” If you can’t answer that question for yourself, politely step away. Again, I’m not trying to turn you into a big, fat selfish person. I’m interested in having you see for yourself what would happen if you didn’t operate out of fear, guilt, obligation, or false compliance and, instead, feed your own soul.

Now I’m going to tell you a little secret. And, don’t go running around telling everyone about it. Keep this one for yourself. Here goes: No one should care more about how happy you are then you. I mean, I’m sure your mother wants you to be happy, and I’m sure you’re friends, lovers, children and extended family want you to be happy. But, they shouldn’t actually be more invested in that then you. And if they are, that is what is called, “codependency.”

For the record, well-balanced, healthy people take their own happiness very seriously. These same people may also care deeply about you, and would be very distressed if they thought you were doing anything self-destructive. But, when push comes to shove, they certainly aren’t going to want to be in a position of having to spend a lot of time worrying about your life at the expense of their own. Trust me, they honestly are not going to have a problem with you taking your own happiness seriously. If fact, they probably wish you would. If by chance you are close to people who don’t feel this way, then he or she needs to seriously get a life of their own, go to Alanon, or find a good therapist. Because, once again, that is called, “codependency.”

So, just for the next 30 days, see if can focus on yourself first and others second. If you find that it hasn’t made the quality of your life better or your soul is not grinning from ear to ear, you can go back to your old way of living after that. Why? Cause no healthy person is really going to care about that choice either. (Unless it is getting in the way of their happiness, of course.)

Wait, hold onto your hats, am I hearing someone shout a resounding “Yes!” to my suggestion? If so, know that freedom and happiness have been patiently waiting for your call, and they will be looking forward to answering it shortly.

“What You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Being a Great Therapist: But Were Afraid to Ask” (the most common concerns that smart, budding therapists secretly ponder about)

There are many careers outside of the mental health field that rigorously questions the student in the process of planning to pursue a career. I think that potential mental health clinician should be under the same scrutiny. A good supervisor will encourage their interns to reveal intimate and personal information about themselves in an effort to sculpt a conscientious clinician.  Interns become obsessed with knowing their own motives for every word they utter. The exercise of knowing what is driving conscious and unconscious intent is the common protocol on becoming a therapist, and continues to flow like an artery throughout even the most seasoned clinician’s career. As time goes on, even the most passionate, loving and well-intended budding young therapist will discover over the course of their training that there is much more to them than pure intent of altruism in their work. Only the greatest of therapists will brave bringing to consciousness their shadow qualities of selfish motive and hostile intent.  Only the greatest therapists honestly disclose when these shadow qualities unconsciously rear their ugly heads and get expressed during the hours they are attempting to do the most good.

The nerve wracking feeling that you as a clinician is being put in the position of authority on how to help a person wend their way to happiness, while you yourself are still trying to answer that question for yourself makes it hard not to feel like a fraud, a hypocrite, an imposter.  And what about having a client referred to you that is actually in better shape than you yourself might be? This is why it is essential to stay close to smart supervisors, good professional community connection, and plenty of self-acceptance.

Whether your wounds and injuries were incurred within your family of origin or just with people in general life, it is unavoidable for one’s own history not to color and shape the therapeutic process with each and every client that comes into your practice.  This process can be fraught with the possibility being an agent for good, or a change agent for unconsciously imposed self-serving motives.  Because of this well-known fact, the path to actualizing one’s skills requires a rigorous self-questioning, abundant humility, a robust ego, and a fairly strong ability to remain flexible and open each step of the way.

The process of becoming a seasoned and masterful therapist takes many years of experience to accomplish. There are many paradigms to study, and because many roads lead to Mecca, each person has to find the lens that works best for them to approach their clients with.  The following 16 questions are some of most common ones that interns and young licensed therapists ask themselves. No need to feel self-conscious, ashamed, or fearful to ask. You are not alone!

1.  I wonder how the theories I study and my experience with clients will mesh with each other. I wonder how much that it is ultimately going to influence what I specialize in, and which theorists I will want to follow.

That is what makes the process of becoming a seasoned therapist so much fun!  We are studying an art, not a science, and just when you think you have your finger on the pulse of the healing strategy or paradigm that is “right”, someone else comes along with a bigger and better strategy or paradigm that you must now study if you want to consider yourself cutting edge, competent and secure as a clinician.

2. What is the best way to go about learning about all the psychological approaches that are out there?

We are living in a day and age where technology is churning out more information than that average person can possibly take in and also expect to live a balanced life.  There is no way to be an expert at every paradigm and model of psychology except to accept that you are committed to being a life long learner.  A hundred years ago the only psychological model there was to approach being a therapist with was the Freudian model.  Psychology has grown into a vast body of knowledge since the time of Freud, and that can both be mind boggling and exciting at the same time.

3. I love working with children, but I have a hard time managing my frustration toward their parents at the same time.  I made three CPS calls last week and the injustice of it all wears on me.

You are talking about the common problem of having a big heart and the burn out that comes from the pain of seeing that world is not full of people who should be having children of their own, as well as parents who are in desperate need of being taught good parenting skills.  If you don’t have children of your own, you need to be aware that parenting is one of the hardest jobs a person could ever have, and that you chose to be in a career that can be traumatizing to the clinician as well.  No one who cares about people, and especially helpless and innocent people like children, is defenseless to burn out and depression from seeing abuse and injustice inflicted.  It is important to stay close to supervision with someone who can help you help the family, as well as having a strong shoulder for you to cry on.

4.   I wonder about how I am going to make a living out of this work. Things like: How will I market myself?  What demand is out there that makes me marketable as a therapist? How I can be a really good therapist and still support family and myself?

5. How can I help others with their problems when I haven’t sorted out my own stuff yet?

Every therapist has blind spots to helping others with problems that they themselves have not figured out how to deal with.  It is really essential that you know what your scope of treatment is, which population you feel comfortable being able to connect with, and accept that as long as you are one step ahead of the patient there are plenty of people left to help.  As long as you are staying on a path to continue to be introspective, open to knowing yourself, and working on your “own stuff”, that’s the most you can expect from yourself and any budding therapist you know.

6. Do I have to be perfect to be a therapist?

If you had to be perfect to be a therapist there would be no therapists.  Just as there are no perfect people in the world, and therapists are people, you can stop holding that expectation right now.

7. How can I ethically charge people in crisis/conflict for my services?  Especially considering the population I work with?

You can ethically charge people for your services because clients are paying for your time and your expertise on how they can organize themselves around whatever crisis they are struggling with, as well as giving them self-care tools to prevent future crisis.  If the population you are working with cannot afford your private practice prices they need to find a mental health clinic that is affordable for them. If it goes against your own moral values to charge someone in crisis, or from a low-income population, you may want to stick with working on salary at a mental health clinic.  It is important for clinicians to seriously weigh these things out so that there isn’t a vulnerability to harming oneself by under earning to save the world.

A compromise between working for a clinic and being in private practice is to always hold spaces for low fee/no fee clients. Doing that assuages some of the guilt you might feel for being a Capitalist in a Capitalist country.

8. How do you know when you are establishing rapport?

I was taught from the beginning that I don’t have to mind read where I stand with a client, I can just ask them.  You are free to ask your client if they are enjoying the therapy, or if they feel they are being helped, or if there is a way that they feel you are missing the picture on them?  I don’t believe in wondering that kind of thing to myself, and I call it a “reality check”.  In thirty years of working with patients I have never lost rapport from checking to see if I have rapport.

9. Do you accept gifts?

It depends on the client and it depends on the gift.  I think that refusing to take a gift that is not ridiculously extravagant is hurtful to your relationship with the client.  People give each other gifts all the time; it is a sign of sentiment and appreciation.  If you have problems with receiving gifts you need to work that out with your own therapist and not take it out on a loving, generous client who is expressing appreciation of the relationship.  Obviously if the gift giving has no understandable framework around it, such as a Christmas gift, and the client does it to buy power, favor or position, than you’re talking about a therapeutic

10. How do you terminate a client?

If you are working closely with your clients then termination should end naturally.  As you track the process of goals being met that the client and you have defined together, once those goals are met it should be obvious that you have done your job.  Short term clients who come in with short term goals and only short term goals are easier to terminate because it is more obvious when the goal has been met.  Goals that are defined by reaching internal states of self confidence, self love, well-being, etc., need to have concretely defined external results that the client can point their finger at that represents those internal states.

11. What is the best way to build a practice?

The best way to build a practice is to be open to telling anyone and everyone what you do and carry cards with your name and number at all times.  Be willing to take low fee clients, lecture on a subject that pertains to the kinds of clients you want to have in your practice.  For example, if you love working with children, go to schools and offer your services to lecture to parents on parenting.  There are many, many places you can give small talks, recreation centers, senior citizen homes, schools, Temples, Churches, etc.  Stay humble, hunker down, and get your name out there.  As a seasoned clinicians I am always looking for new interns that charge lower fees to refer clients to.

12. What do you do if a client is asking you things that you don’t have the answers to?

There’s nothing worse than a therapist that bullshits.  If you don’t know the answer to a question, or you hit a place where you are unable to guide your client, say so.  Just say, “I’m not exactly sure what to say at this moment, but I’m going to think long and hard about it before our next session, believe me.”  Then you run back to supervision and work it out there so that you have something to say when you go back the next week.  Your client will not only appreciate you not trying to pull the wool over their eyes, you will be modeling humility for them as well.  Saying, “I don’t know the answer to that question” doesn’t make you an incompetent therapist, trying to pretend you know when you don’t, does.

13. What if you have inappropriate feelings during the session toward your client?

I’m not sure if there is such a thing as “inappropriate feelings” toward a client.  You are in a relationship with your client, and having relationships with people bring up feelings.  Hopefully you are engaged enough with who you work with to have feelings come up toward them.  You just have to trust that you can control both sexual impulses and hostile impulses.  If you can’t trust that, than neither you nor your client are safe together.  From my experience over the years I know that therapists generally don’t like talking about sexual feelings, crushes, and obsession or hostile impulses, rejecting and abandoning impulses toward their clients.  Unfortunately, these are the hazards of the job.  If you want to be a clinician that doesn’t struggle with these hazards you can count on being benign at best, or just plain ineffective. You may go through noticing many different feelings during the course of treatment with your clients, but the thing that is most important is not that you have those feelings but how you handle them.  Our first commitment is our advocacy for our clients, and not doing any harm to them.  If you notice that you are feeling extreme feelings of either hate or love toward any client it is something that you should bring to your supervisor.  You should never feel afraid to tell your supervisor about any feelings you may be having toward a client, they are there to help you either work those through or finesse them effectively in the therapy room with the client. If you have the feeling that your supervisor has learned to handle this kind of issue themselves, talk to someone else whose work you respect in the field.  It’s never one stop shopping with supervision, again, supervisors are also people and they aren’t perfect either. It is important to remember that any feeling that you are feeling toward your client is probably indicative of how people in the real world feel toward your client.  You can use that visceral experience to their benefit as long as you know that you are not acting those feelings out on the client.  Depending on which paradigm you work from your supervisor will help you express your feelings through the vernacular of that paradigm.

14. How does email fit into your practice?

Email can be a great resource for you and your clients or incredibly dangerous.  You have to be prepared for nosy spouses, friends and other family members snooping online into your clients email and that will censor what you way. Write only what you would be willing for the world to see.  No one is invulnerable to being misunderstood through email exchange.  You can’t read tone of voice, either yours or your client’s, and unless you have established strong rapport in the therapy room where you can risk being misunderstood by email you need to keep it short and sweet. Out of respect for the seriousness of my relationship to my client,  I ALWAYS attach the following with every email sent to a client, although that does not protect me in any way.

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information

intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  If

you are not the intended recipient, please delete the message.  Any

disclosure, copying, or distribution of this message, or the taking of any

action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

16. I have clients that start to get frustrated with therapy because they have the fantasy that coming in for therapy will guarantee them that they will get what they want.  I want to be able to keep my clients, but I also don’t want to misrepresent what therapy can, or cannot do for them.

Every client holds a secret wish that coming to therapy will solve all of his or her problems.  This is where the clinician must be very clear to disarm this type of unrealistic thinking, and be able to tolerate being perceived as a withholding mother, or less competent, or whatever negative way the client has to think before they get on board with reality.

I have found one universal type of client who comes in to my practice thinking that the magic of our conversations is going to give them what they want.  It is the woman over 35 who is single, works at a high powered job that has brought out expression of strong characteristics of aggression and domninance in her, in a city where younger and more feminine women abound and they come to therapy hoping they will leave therapy with a boyfriend. The only problem with coming to therapy to deal with the frustrations of being single is that whatever you discover about what your part is in that being that way still does not guarantee that you will meet someone that you want to be involved with, or that someone will come along, or that you won’t remain single and frustrated. This is a hard, cold reality that takes a lot of courage to be up front about with a lonely, anxious, person in this position, but every intern should be encouraged to finesse certain realities into the therapy room without completely dashing the hopes and dreams of the client.

I have learned over time that many people come into therapy in the hopes that putting time and money into getting what they want to get will get them that.  That is an untruth.  Outside of a robust internal relationship with themselves and hopefully others, or ways of coping, rather than just surviving, around being thwarted getting what they want to get, clients cannot be guaranteed any more than that through psychotherapy.

That said, and with that understanding, I am, of course, still willing to have these kinds of client come in for therapy.  If the client and I can go deeper into both understanding things about that may be interfering with having a relationship become long term, or finding new and better ways to cope in the meantime, than the hour will have the purpose that therapy is to be used for.

No matter how bad it ever gets between you and your partner, if you have a willing heart and an open mind, things can change and get better. I know at times that this could not feel farther from the truth for you, but everyone goes through dark times in a long term recovering relationship. There really is nothing harder then trying to get along day in and day out with the same person, especially when addiction of any kind has been in the mix. That is not because you are damaged or wrong, it is just the nature of the beast. Long term partnership is hard, takes work, and grows emotional muscles you may never have known you could have.

Given that, how about stepping into a solution? Stop for a moment and bring your attention back into the present moment. Every moment is fleeting.  It is gone, and over. This is also true of your relationship. What you’ve been until this moment is the old relationship, and what you are walking into today, is a new one. Try to treat it as such.

But, how do you craft a new relationship with the same person that you have so much old habit pattern, injury, resentment, frustration and anger toward? You do this by just making the decision to do so.  I’m not suggesting you go into a state of denial, collusion, suppression or lying. I’m suggesting that you include the potential that each moment in time offers you the choice to breath in a new reality. A new reality that takes you out of just  playing the past out over and over again every day of the week, and offers an experience of feeling alive and vital.

Just for today, take the time to be aware of how you’re feeling and what your thinking. Allow yourself to be gentle and calm any fear or anxiety or future dread you may be carrying. See if you can let go of any judgment you are holding toward yourself or your partner.  Just for a moment. You may be left feeling lonely, sad or afraid. Let yourself have those feelings and put your hand over your heart and breath.  Be with yourself totally and say to yourself, “for today, I forgive myself for all past mistakes I’ve made and for not being able to overcome all of my difficulties in my relationship.” Make this day about seeking out one simple action that brings you a feeling of happiness and well-being, even if you are feeling sad and scared. Offer this same suggestion to your partner as an act of good faith, and in the name of keeping your humanity alive and well within your partnership. Don’t worry if they aren’t interested in taking what you have to offer, just know that you offered it.

 

You and your partner may have wanted to leave each other while addiction was in the picture. But you couldn’t. And you didn’t, at least not permanently. That isn’t because you were naïve or unintelligent or weak or just out and out mistaken. It is because you became attached to your partner and desperately hoped your love would be able to conquer addiction. You were convinced it was just a matter of time and a few nudges from you before your dear one would stop smoking, stop drinking, stop drugging, stop spending, stop texting, stop gambling, stop eating, stop exercising—or stop whatever addiction was consuming his or her life. When it comes to the people we are most attached to, it is human nature to remain optimistic and hopeful that what isn’t working might be fixed with the right kind of effort. Even in the face of something as hope draining as addiction, you can always find a small pulse of hope flowing in the veins of a couple. Isn’t the apropos saying, “Where there is life, there is hope”?

Perhaps you are wondering, “What do other recovering couples struggle with in their day-to-day lives? The following are some common problems with which recovering couples regularly grapple. Do you struggle with any of these?

Mixed feelings about your partner
Mixed feelings about your job
Mixed feelings about yourself
Mixed feelings about your friends
Mixed feelings about staying abstinent
Mixed feelings about being involved with family members
Mediocre sex
Unexpressed feelings and thoughts
Difficulty enjoying “moments” together
Mixed feelings about having to work at sustaining your relationship with a higher power and being of service to others
The inability to see the craziness of your relationship without feeling shame
The inability to find a recovering community you enjoy
The inability to expose your vulnerability to your partner
The inability to soothe yourself when unsteady

Recovering couples face a wide range of struggles. Some are on the extremely difficult end of the spectrum, where emotions can be explosive and relationships very rocky. Others are on the low end, where partners can become so disconnected they might as well not be in a relationship. Suffice it to say, every recovering couple is somewhere on the struggle spectrum and always a work in progress. You can take comfort from the fact that there isn’t a recovering couple on this earth who is not wrestling with some of the same issues that you already have, or are going to have, to deal with during the lifespan of your relationship.

If your partner feels distant from you and you don’t know what to make of it, it is fair for you to approach them and ask, “You seem distant. Is there anything you need from me right now?” Say this in a calm, neutral and curious tone of voice. Don’t try to fix them, or be too invasive. Just make an effort to get a reality check on where they are. Obviously there are hundreds of possible reasons.

If your partner can’t answer your question, or won’t, reassure them that you are here for them when they can. In the meantime, you are going to go live your life somewhere else for a few hours. Skip away. I’m not trying to treat you as if you’re dumb; I’m trying to help you simplify things because interactions can feel very confusing now that you’re trying to be a new and healthier individual.

An enmeshed couple tends to make things very complicated. You will be so pleased with yourself if you can get some muscle strength around dealing with reality checks versus mind reading and saying “no” and letting your partner figure their own stuff out, or happily giving them the specific thing that they are asking for.  You do all that and you will be one happy camper.

Take note: If my suggestion is really, really hard for you to imagine implementing without a fight ensuing or a chill being left in the air, then you should know that you are still struggling with mucho enmeshment with each other. Meaning that you are still vibrating too much off of each other like a tuning fork. You don’t want to be like a tuning fork together 24/7.  You want to get a sense of your individual selves, vibrate off of that, and then come back together again. For now, just know that too much enmeshment isn’t good for either of you. Even the baby has to leave its mother’s womb after nine months, silly!

I’m not trying to be morbid, but the person you have committed to, the person you say you love and want to spend your future with, is not going to be walking this earth one day. And, nor are you, for that matter. You don’t know who is taking the ride out first, but one of you is going to be left alone to grieve and move on to another identity and lifestyle.

Why am I addressing such a sad and scary subject? One, because it’s real. And, two, because you should have that awareness with you at some level. You don’t know if your partner could walk out the door for the last time. You don’t know this about yourself either. When couples have an exquisite knowing of this fact, they tend to treat the time they have together with more tenderness, appreciation, sentiment and affection.

Try this: The next time you are sitting with your beloved partner, say to them, “Do you realize that one of us will be sitting here alone someday?” Stop. Take a moment. Bring the crushing reality of impermanence into your awareness and have no resistance. Be grateful that you have brought consciousness into your existence and into your recovering relationship.

Breathe in the now and sense what is around you as you look at your partner and bring forward gratitude, bittersweet sadness, joyful awareness and sentiment all at the same time. Let yourself know and recognize the multiple realities that are existing within you in right now. Be brave enough to allow yourself to feel all of you. There is absolutely no reason for you to be missing out on the beauty of the totality your life. Especially if you’ve made your way into recovery from addiction and codependency with your partner still by your side. Hallelujah!