You were always complaining about your partner being so dependent on you, but it is what made you feel secure. You complained that your partner was always home sitting on the couch drunk or stoned, but at least you always knew where they were. Your partner complained that you were always on his or her back every second, but it is what made them feel cared for.

Recovery has a sneaky way of interrupting all of your dysfunctional patterns leaving you shivering in your boots fearing that you may not know what is keeping you together at this point. The sober couple usually attempts to solve their frustrations by returning to the comfort and familiarity of enmeshment, hiding and denying differences to avoid conflict or engaging in angry escalating arguments, hoping to convince their partner to agree in order to find togetherness. All of this results in repetitive, stifling, and unproductive interactions. Most sober couples are driven to seek outside help because of the threatening feelings individuation can ignite. The couple that resists asking for help inevitably regresses, starts fighting, and may even relapse. Love yourself enough to reach out for help.

It’s a new year coming. Give your relationship half a running chance at not just surviving, but thriving in 2014. Happy New Year!