Time For A Change
It’s way past time for a change.
It is amazing just how terrifying and liberating that sentence can be all at the same time. I’m not talking about a change in my personal life, which is finally perfect and is the source of my strength and happiness. It has also played a major role in bringing me to this pivotal realization. No, it’s my professional life that is in ruin and, honestly, making me miserable.
I’ve been in this industry for nearly 20 years and it has most decidedly changed, it is nowhere near the industry I started my career in and I am completely disillusioned with it. I don’t fault the industry for changing, all things change with time. The problem lies in my inability and unwillingness to change with it. I don’t like where the industry is going and, quite frankly, I’m ready to get off the merry-go-round run my micro managers who feel the need to compensate for something lacking within themselves (either personally or professionally). Let me establish early on that the thoughts I express in this blog are my own and aren’t meant as a criticism of those who have established themselves in an industry or in corporate America. To some, this is the path that best suits them and I applaud those who have made it there. Everyone must follow their own dreams and desires. This is simply the story of how I finally found mine.
After 20 years, I’m tired. I’ve done my tour of duty as it were. I’ve done the “all for the company” routine. I’ve been “married” to the company, putting in the 12, 14, 16 + hours a day, 6 and 7 days a week. I’ve made my family secondary to the company, I’ve worked the off shifts and taken on the jobs that were definitely not within my job description but needed to be done “for the good of the company”. I’ve stressed over the tiny details, I’ve wrung my hands over potential failure, and I’ve defended management even when I knew they were wrong because it was what a good little soldier did. I’ve lain awake at nights, worrying myself sick over my performance, wondering, hoping and praying it was good enough. Good enough to not only satisfy my so-called superiors, but also my co-workers and most of all, the incredibly high standards I set for myself. Guess what? It never has been and never will be, not in this industry. I understand that now.
I’m honest enough with myself to consider that maybe I simply didn’t perform to the level they were expecting. Perhaps I didn’t have a clear understanding of what they wanted although I was relatively sure I did. Perhaps I subconsciously didn’t perform to their standards simply because it wasn’t what I was meant to do. These points can be debated from now until doomsday but they don’t change the fact that I no longer want to be a part of this canine and equine extravaganza (also known as the ol’ dog and pony show).
So now, 20 years later, I sit back and look back over my career, asking myself what all of that did for me? The answer? Not a damned thing. I wasn’t expecting a ticker tape parade with champagne showers and caviar lunches, but some simple recognition, an occasional word of praise or even a piece of solid, constructive criticism where it was warranted. Unfortunately the Masters of the Universe couldn’t be bothered with such trivial details. I sit here now and have to honestly admit to myself that, aside from the salary and benefits package which provided a living for my family, I have wasted the last 20 years on a career and an industry that simply takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left. That is usually the point where you are…what’s the new phrase in the industry? Separated from your association with the company. That is, after all, a much nicer way of saying you got fired. Let’s not hurt anyone’s feelings now.
Well stick a fork in me because I am done!
Just over a year ago I attended a Marriage and Life Enrichment Boot Camp as a sort of pre-marital counseling for my, then, fiancé and I. We both learned many valuable tools for dealing with conflicts within the marriage and how to identify faults and weaknesses within ourselves as quickly as we can spot them in our spouse. It was a very good workshop and one I highly recommend for any couple. The point of mentioning it here is that I also had learned one of those sharp, piercing, eye opening revelations that seared itself into my brain: You have to acknowledge your destiny; the path you were meant to follow instead of the one you force yourself to follow. This revelation was the catalyst for the thoughts that have brought me to this moment, the moment that I realize just why I have been so stinking miserable in my professional life. This is not what I want to do anymore and, more importantly; it’s not what I was meant to do. I know where my destiny lies both professionally and personally. I have fulfilled where I’m supposed to be personally and now it’s way past time to get my professional life where it needs to be.
I’m one of the lucky ones. I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m a writer. Period. I’ve been writing for 35 years and only recently have I begun exploring it as a career. That’s my mistake. I’ve also begun opening my eyes and looking around me, seeing the world as a whole and not just my tiny pie-shaped sliver of it. I’ve had blinders on, blinders emblazoned with a corporate logo that I put on myself. I’ve taken those blinders off now and it’s a mixed blessing. I know where my destiny is pointing me and I’m filled with the bitter knowledge that I’ve wasted so much valuable time. I have to admit that it was easier when I had the blinders on. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. With the blinders on, I lowered my head to the corporate appointed path and I trudged ahead like any good company mule would. I worked myself to a ragged edge doing all the things I was told and believed were expected of me. Of course there was the carrot on the end of the stick they held out in front of me to keep me moving forward. One day, if I worked hard enough, sacrificed enough, broke myself enough, worried enough, stressed enough, lost enough sleep, and swallowed enough corporate crap I would be given that elusive carrot.
Well, for me, that carrot will always be just out of reach. I’ve come to the realization that no matter what I do, how hard I work, or how much I sacrifice…I’ll never get that carrot. Here’s another realization I’ve come to…I don’t really like carrots anyway.
As I stated in the opening, it’s way past time for a change and each day that I put off initiating that change is another day that I cheat myself. I am, quite frankly, tired of cheating myself. I am a writer and that’s what I’m going to do! Now I’m enough of a realist to know that I am years away from my writing bringing in enough money to make a living at it. So, until the world discovers my writing, I have to find a way to financially take care of my family that doesn’t drive me towards an asylum or an early grave. I have begun exploring other career options that were, until now, wispy day dreams. One option I’ve been considering is voice over work. Voice over work, or voice acting, involves anything where you hear the actor’s voice, but never see their face. This would involve projects such as commercials, instructional videos, animation and so forth. I have always been told that I have the voice for it, I have the acting chops for it as well and I spent four years as a radio DJ. I’m also exploring creating 3D characters and book trailers for other authors, something I have discovered I have a knack for and absolutely love doing. If I have to have a J-O-B until my writing career takes flight, I might as well be doing something I’m passionate about and love doing.
As stated earlier, I am enough of a realist to understand just how risky all three of these ventures are. It’s a huge gamble. That brings me to my next thought: risk and the fear of it. It was the fear of the risk that lured me into getting involved in my current career path. I had a young family with small children and I had to make a living for them. I don’t begrudge that, any self respecting man will do whatever it takes to provide a living for his family. But as the years drug by I lulled myself into the comfort of the “sure thing”, the steady income, the easy way to not have to lie in bed at night and worry over where the next dollar was going to come from. I put the blinders on and trudged ahead.
In the last few weeks there have been events and realizations that, combined with what I learned in the Boot Camp, have finally ripped the blinders off and made me see what I’ve been trying to show myself for years. The first was a trip to northern Wyoming. Incredibly beautiful country with breath taking vistas as far as the eye can see. It truly fills you with a sense of awe at nature and what a truly talented architect God is. During my time in Wyoming a bad case of writer’s block I had been suffering from was suddenly broken and I was able to churn out more work in a week than I had in the previous three months combined. It was also during this trip that I would spend long moments staring out at the mountains, the forest, and the wildlife and silently asking myself just what the hell I was doing. It was during this trip that the long planted seeds of change deep in my mind began to sprout.
The next was, of all things, a Shiner Bock commercial. Not exactly the “ah-ha” moment I was expecting, but you take your moments where they come. In this commercial there is a shot of a pond. There is a rope hanging from a tree near the bank. You hear footsteps running from off camera and then you see a guy swing out over the pond on the rope, release, back flip and plunge into the water. As he surfaces and begins a lazy backstroke off camera this caption appears at the bottom of the screen: “Because you get as many Tuesdays as Saturdays.” I don’t know why or how but this hit me in my core. To me? That’s the epitome of freedom!
The next came from realizing that there are people all around me who have reached the same point I’m at now and have taken that very nerve wracking step that I’m planning. They’ve quit their jobs and are doing what they love to do. I have met people within my network of authors that have stepped out of their “safe zone” and took the chance on themselves and their dreams. Dreams are the blueprints of reality and we are the architects. If I don’t care enough about my reality and my future to build my reality, then who will? Corporate America? Not likely. They aren’t overly fond of the whole “dreams are blueprints of reality” concept. No one is going to build it but me. The only one stopping me is me.
I have to inject here that all along, my beautiful, loving wife Renee has been telling me that I needed to find where my passion is and follow it. She suggested the voice over work long ago. She also suggested that I start a business to generate 3D characters and book trailers for other authors. She is the source of my strength and my happiness and I would be lost without her. I should have listened to her sooner instead of letting my fear and self-doubt sway me.
Well enough is enough and Renee? I hear you baby!
Now I’m not going to quit my job today and launch into my new careers immediately. I am also enough of a realist to know that I have responsibilities to my family. But I am going to start laying the ground work for this change that I want and need desperately. To remain where I am is killing my spirit.
I’ve spent more than enough time denying who I am and what I want. We’ve all heard the catch phrases: “Do what you love and love what you do”, “It’s not work if you love what you do”, “Be true to yourself”. We hear them and nod our heads slowly, saying to ourselves, “Someday man. Some day!” Today is my someday. Today is the beginning of the end of one path and the first day of the right path, the right path for me. I’m scared to death. I can admit that freely. What if I fail? What if I’m no good? What if, what if, what if! It’s the what if’s that have kept me shackled to a career path that was never mine to begin with.
As the old saying goes…today is the first day of the rest of my life. It’s time to start living my life, it’s time to be the person I discovered 35 years ago and always swore I’d be true to. Well I wasn’t true to him and it’s made me miserable. It’s what I deserved for years of complacency, of thinking “someday” I’ll make the changes. In truth? I was sitting on my backside waiting for the changes to fall into my lap. It doesn’t work that way and I have always known that.
If you want it you have to work for it.
It’s time for me to go to work...
...my real work...
...my life’s work.
It is amazing just how terrifying and liberating that sentence can be all at the same time. I’m not talking about a change in my personal life, which is finally perfect and is the source of my strength and happiness. It has also played a major role in bringing me to this pivotal realization. No, it’s my professional life that is in ruin and, honestly, making me miserable.
I’ve been in this industry for nearly 20 years and it has most decidedly changed, it is nowhere near the industry I started my career in and I am completely disillusioned with it. I don’t fault the industry for changing, all things change with time. The problem lies in my inability and unwillingness to change with it. I don’t like where the industry is going and, quite frankly, I’m ready to get off the merry-go-round run my micro managers who feel the need to compensate for something lacking within themselves (either personally or professionally). Let me establish early on that the thoughts I express in this blog are my own and aren’t meant as a criticism of those who have established themselves in an industry or in corporate America. To some, this is the path that best suits them and I applaud those who have made it there. Everyone must follow their own dreams and desires. This is simply the story of how I finally found mine.
After 20 years, I’m tired. I’ve done my tour of duty as it were. I’ve done the “all for the company” routine. I’ve been “married” to the company, putting in the 12, 14, 16 + hours a day, 6 and 7 days a week. I’ve made my family secondary to the company, I’ve worked the off shifts and taken on the jobs that were definitely not within my job description but needed to be done “for the good of the company”. I’ve stressed over the tiny details, I’ve wrung my hands over potential failure, and I’ve defended management even when I knew they were wrong because it was what a good little soldier did. I’ve lain awake at nights, worrying myself sick over my performance, wondering, hoping and praying it was good enough. Good enough to not only satisfy my so-called superiors, but also my co-workers and most of all, the incredibly high standards I set for myself. Guess what? It never has been and never will be, not in this industry. I understand that now.
I’m honest enough with myself to consider that maybe I simply didn’t perform to the level they were expecting. Perhaps I didn’t have a clear understanding of what they wanted although I was relatively sure I did. Perhaps I subconsciously didn’t perform to their standards simply because it wasn’t what I was meant to do. These points can be debated from now until doomsday but they don’t change the fact that I no longer want to be a part of this canine and equine extravaganza (also known as the ol’ dog and pony show).
So now, 20 years later, I sit back and look back over my career, asking myself what all of that did for me? The answer? Not a damned thing. I wasn’t expecting a ticker tape parade with champagne showers and caviar lunches, but some simple recognition, an occasional word of praise or even a piece of solid, constructive criticism where it was warranted. Unfortunately the Masters of the Universe couldn’t be bothered with such trivial details. I sit here now and have to honestly admit to myself that, aside from the salary and benefits package which provided a living for my family, I have wasted the last 20 years on a career and an industry that simply takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left. That is usually the point where you are…what’s the new phrase in the industry? Separated from your association with the company. That is, after all, a much nicer way of saying you got fired. Let’s not hurt anyone’s feelings now.
Well stick a fork in me because I am done!
Just over a year ago I attended a Marriage and Life Enrichment Boot Camp as a sort of pre-marital counseling for my, then, fiancé and I. We both learned many valuable tools for dealing with conflicts within the marriage and how to identify faults and weaknesses within ourselves as quickly as we can spot them in our spouse. It was a very good workshop and one I highly recommend for any couple. The point of mentioning it here is that I also had learned one of those sharp, piercing, eye opening revelations that seared itself into my brain: You have to acknowledge your destiny; the path you were meant to follow instead of the one you force yourself to follow. This revelation was the catalyst for the thoughts that have brought me to this moment, the moment that I realize just why I have been so stinking miserable in my professional life. This is not what I want to do anymore and, more importantly; it’s not what I was meant to do. I know where my destiny lies both professionally and personally. I have fulfilled where I’m supposed to be personally and now it’s way past time to get my professional life where it needs to be.
I’m one of the lucky ones. I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m a writer. Period. I’ve been writing for 35 years and only recently have I begun exploring it as a career. That’s my mistake. I’ve also begun opening my eyes and looking around me, seeing the world as a whole and not just my tiny pie-shaped sliver of it. I’ve had blinders on, blinders emblazoned with a corporate logo that I put on myself. I’ve taken those blinders off now and it’s a mixed blessing. I know where my destiny is pointing me and I’m filled with the bitter knowledge that I’ve wasted so much valuable time. I have to admit that it was easier when I had the blinders on. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. With the blinders on, I lowered my head to the corporate appointed path and I trudged ahead like any good company mule would. I worked myself to a ragged edge doing all the things I was told and believed were expected of me. Of course there was the carrot on the end of the stick they held out in front of me to keep me moving forward. One day, if I worked hard enough, sacrificed enough, broke myself enough, worried enough, stressed enough, lost enough sleep, and swallowed enough corporate crap I would be given that elusive carrot.
Well, for me, that carrot will always be just out of reach. I’ve come to the realization that no matter what I do, how hard I work, or how much I sacrifice…I’ll never get that carrot. Here’s another realization I’ve come to…I don’t really like carrots anyway.
As I stated in the opening, it’s way past time for a change and each day that I put off initiating that change is another day that I cheat myself. I am, quite frankly, tired of cheating myself. I am a writer and that’s what I’m going to do! Now I’m enough of a realist to know that I am years away from my writing bringing in enough money to make a living at it. So, until the world discovers my writing, I have to find a way to financially take care of my family that doesn’t drive me towards an asylum or an early grave. I have begun exploring other career options that were, until now, wispy day dreams. One option I’ve been considering is voice over work. Voice over work, or voice acting, involves anything where you hear the actor’s voice, but never see their face. This would involve projects such as commercials, instructional videos, animation and so forth. I have always been told that I have the voice for it, I have the acting chops for it as well and I spent four years as a radio DJ. I’m also exploring creating 3D characters and book trailers for other authors, something I have discovered I have a knack for and absolutely love doing. If I have to have a J-O-B until my writing career takes flight, I might as well be doing something I’m passionate about and love doing.
As stated earlier, I am enough of a realist to understand just how risky all three of these ventures are. It’s a huge gamble. That brings me to my next thought: risk and the fear of it. It was the fear of the risk that lured me into getting involved in my current career path. I had a young family with small children and I had to make a living for them. I don’t begrudge that, any self respecting man will do whatever it takes to provide a living for his family. But as the years drug by I lulled myself into the comfort of the “sure thing”, the steady income, the easy way to not have to lie in bed at night and worry over where the next dollar was going to come from. I put the blinders on and trudged ahead.
In the last few weeks there have been events and realizations that, combined with what I learned in the Boot Camp, have finally ripped the blinders off and made me see what I’ve been trying to show myself for years. The first was a trip to northern Wyoming. Incredibly beautiful country with breath taking vistas as far as the eye can see. It truly fills you with a sense of awe at nature and what a truly talented architect God is. During my time in Wyoming a bad case of writer’s block I had been suffering from was suddenly broken and I was able to churn out more work in a week than I had in the previous three months combined. It was also during this trip that I would spend long moments staring out at the mountains, the forest, and the wildlife and silently asking myself just what the hell I was doing. It was during this trip that the long planted seeds of change deep in my mind began to sprout.
The next was, of all things, a Shiner Bock commercial. Not exactly the “ah-ha” moment I was expecting, but you take your moments where they come. In this commercial there is a shot of a pond. There is a rope hanging from a tree near the bank. You hear footsteps running from off camera and then you see a guy swing out over the pond on the rope, release, back flip and plunge into the water. As he surfaces and begins a lazy backstroke off camera this caption appears at the bottom of the screen: “Because you get as many Tuesdays as Saturdays.” I don’t know why or how but this hit me in my core. To me? That’s the epitome of freedom!
The next came from realizing that there are people all around me who have reached the same point I’m at now and have taken that very nerve wracking step that I’m planning. They’ve quit their jobs and are doing what they love to do. I have met people within my network of authors that have stepped out of their “safe zone” and took the chance on themselves and their dreams. Dreams are the blueprints of reality and we are the architects. If I don’t care enough about my reality and my future to build my reality, then who will? Corporate America? Not likely. They aren’t overly fond of the whole “dreams are blueprints of reality” concept. No one is going to build it but me. The only one stopping me is me.
I have to inject here that all along, my beautiful, loving wife Renee has been telling me that I needed to find where my passion is and follow it. She suggested the voice over work long ago. She also suggested that I start a business to generate 3D characters and book trailers for other authors. She is the source of my strength and my happiness and I would be lost without her. I should have listened to her sooner instead of letting my fear and self-doubt sway me.
Well enough is enough and Renee? I hear you baby!
Now I’m not going to quit my job today and launch into my new careers immediately. I am also enough of a realist to know that I have responsibilities to my family. But I am going to start laying the ground work for this change that I want and need desperately. To remain where I am is killing my spirit.
I’ve spent more than enough time denying who I am and what I want. We’ve all heard the catch phrases: “Do what you love and love what you do”, “It’s not work if you love what you do”, “Be true to yourself”. We hear them and nod our heads slowly, saying to ourselves, “Someday man. Some day!” Today is my someday. Today is the beginning of the end of one path and the first day of the right path, the right path for me. I’m scared to death. I can admit that freely. What if I fail? What if I’m no good? What if, what if, what if! It’s the what if’s that have kept me shackled to a career path that was never mine to begin with.
As the old saying goes…today is the first day of the rest of my life. It’s time to start living my life, it’s time to be the person I discovered 35 years ago and always swore I’d be true to. Well I wasn’t true to him and it’s made me miserable. It’s what I deserved for years of complacency, of thinking “someday” I’ll make the changes. In truth? I was sitting on my backside waiting for the changes to fall into my lap. It doesn’t work that way and I have always known that.
If you want it you have to work for it.
It’s time for me to go to work...
...my real work...
...my life’s work.
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