It’s safe to say I vanished for the last couple of months, on my blog, on social media, and just in general. It started around the holidays and only just recently (pretty much today) lifted. Those of you who know me well, know about my struggles with PTSD and depression. The holidays are never easy for me, despite having a beautiful, amazing family of my own now. Add to it some serious financial worries, marital issues, and a whole slew of other things large and small, and I just decided to take some time for myself, to recuperate and figure out what I was going to do. What started off as a week became seriously longer than a week. I realized the reason for my struggles last year were largely due to being bogged down with a big dilemma.

And at this point, I think I’ve finally figured out what to do moving forward. I’ve reached a crossroads in my career. The crossroads is this: do I do what I love and risk not making enough money to pay the bills or do I do what I’m good at that pays the bills but that I don’t really love? Writing is my love. Without at doubt. It’s also a bit of a curse, when it’s not going well. It’s also a slow process. There’s no get rich quick aspect to writing and publishing. It’s a lot of hard work. And writing doesn’t always pay very well. But regardless, I love it, can’t escape from it and don’t want to.

On the other hand, I’m also good at marketing and office management. I’ve been doing that for almost 20 years and it’s paid the bills very well in that time, which allows me to do the writing. Unfortunately, I lack one thing that seems to get a door slammed in my face in this economy: a big fancy degree with my name on it. I’ve spent over a decade in college (and have the loan debt to prove it) but just couldn’t manage to get a Bachelor’s degree. So now, in my mid-thirties, opportunities that I’m completely qualified for are out of reach. Except for as a self-employed individual. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of risks associated with that as well – client inconsistencies, payment issues and more. For my husband, who craves stability like the air we breath, that doesn’t sit too well. And I wouldn’t mind some consistency myself.

So do I take the leap of faith? Everything is pointing that way and has been for a long time. So why am I so darn scared to take the leap? I’ve certainly made stranger leaps in the past – I leapt into a financial business with a lot less thought than this as well as a lot less experience and made a success of that. So what is it about writing that scares me so much?

But when life’s stresses get overwhelming, my ability to write goes out the window and on a long Caribbean vacation… without me. Earlier this year I was sure that my life was about to unravel at the seams which was enough to lock my muse away for a very long time. In fact, this blog post is already more than I’ve written in several months. Some would argue that I shouldn’t post this out there publicly and they might be right. But my philosophy is this: we’re all human and we all struggle. It’s what we do with the struggle that matters. No one should be judged for sharing their struggles, only what they do to overcome them. I’ve battled these last few months, day and night to overcome the struggles and get back to myself. And at the end of it all, I’m a writer so I’m going to share that story of my struggle in the hopes it will inspire others. If there’s a cost associated with being so honest, so be it. I’d rather be brave and help someone than be cowardly and not.

So here it is, my public declaration to the world that I’m going to, despite the fear clawing inside my gut as  I write this, take the leap of faith and make writing my focus first and foremost. For better or for worse, that’s where my heart has always been, that’s where I know God wants me to be, and while I don’t know the path I’ll walk, I know I have to try.

What about you? What crazy leaps of faith have you made? What was the result? Are you glad you did or was it a lesson learned? Or what leaps are you still needing to make but haven’t quite had the courage to do so yet? I’d love to hear your experiences, so leave a comment below!

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