Bestselling author Daniel Parmeggiani discusses how self destructive behaviors tally with our primary motivation to gain pleasure (and avoid pain) from life.

Becoming deeply aware that we all function in the same way and are all motivated by exactly the same desired outcome is the first step to awakening to who we really are.  Two weeks ago, we saw how we are all equally motivated only by our own pain and pleasure even when we sacrifice ourselves for others. Then last week, we talked about the 4 questions we always ask when we make any decision:

What would be least painful?
What would be most pleasurable?
Does the immediate pleasure justify any potential future pain?
Does the potential reward of future pleasure justify any immediate pain?

This week, we’ll see how this basic information about what truly drives us can help us make sense out of some of our strangest and most self-destructive behaviors. By understanding these behaviors, we can then embrace them and forgive them.

Self-defeating behaviors

The constant drive towards pleasure and away from pain can be easily recognized when we observe animals in nature. When lions are hungry, they eat; when they are in heat, they mate; when they see fire, they flee; and when they feel tired, they sleep. When we observe humans though, we sometimes witness some odd, self-defeating, and even self-destructive behaviors that, on the surface, seem to defy explanation. But when we break them down into their pain and pleasure components, all our bizarre actions suddenly make perfect sense:

Self-sabotage

We all have them: those relatives or acquaintances that frustrate the hell out of us because of their self-destructive tendencies. Every single time, just as they are about to succeed at something, they screw things up. They skip the interview, sabotage a promising relationship, or otherwise seem to never finish what they start. We know they have great potential, but it seems as if they do not want to be happy. They would rather remain stuck instead of trying to get ahead. What could be motivating them to act like this?

The answers to this mystery can be found in any basic psychology textbook, and all the explanations readily translate into the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain. If we look up the reasons why people sometimes sabotage their own lives, we learn that it can be due to fear of disappointment. They would rather fail now when the stakes are low, than later, having invested more time, energy, and emotion. People can also self-sabotage as a way to earn other people’s pity or anger. In this way, they receive some form of attention, which can be better than no attention at all.

Next time the black sheep in your family does something ridiculous to screw their life up, look closely and you will see the fear and low self-esteem that is showing them no other way to avoid feeling even worse. Does this behavior make more sense to you now? Can you still find fault in him or her? Would you not do the same if you had the same state of awareness?

Self-mutilation

What about self-mutilators? How does someone who cuts himself or pulls out her own hair benefit at all?

One day, as I watched a television show detailing the lives of prison inmates, I was shocked to learn that a high percentage of them had to be kept in isolation, without any objects they could possibly use to harm themselves. When they were interviewed, however, this strange behavior suddenly became very understandable.

Some of them hurt themselves physically because they felt they deserved it, and in this way, they eased their guilty conscience. More often, though, what drove the prisoners to perform these apparently senseless acts was the need for attention. When they hurt themselves, they were cared for and counseled, and in this way, their lives gained a semblance of importance. They felt a sense of connection with their counselors and this eased their pain of loneliness.

Depression 

Depression is sadness and lack of motivation born out of discouraging past experiences and failures. However, even when we are depressed, we never cease striving to feel better. In the throes of depression our goal becomes mostly the avoidance of pain. Having lost hope for the joys of success, growth, and accomplishment, we focus instead on avoiding the pain of more failure. When we stop believing in ourselves, it feels safer to stay inside our shell than to venture out again and risk more heartbreak.

When we become severely depressed, we may lose all hope that any road leads to ‘destination happiness’ and we refuse all rides to avoid yet another disappointment. We may confine ourselves inside a dark apartment and never see the light of day. We may reach a point where we never get out of bed and do nothing but eat and sleep and wait for the eviction notice to arrive. Even then, however, we only want to feel better, but we cannot see the path at all.

Suicide

The ultimate form of self-destructive behavior is suicide, but even those who contemplate such an act still only want to feel as good as possible. During some of my worst moments growing up, I remember looking down from our sixteenth floor balcony and feeling very tempted to end it all. My inner torment felt so painful and my situation seemed so hopeless that I wondered if not existing at all was the only way to end my suffering. Each time, however, the same thought stopped me: What if death is not the end of me? I desperately wanted to stop experiencing those terrible feelings, but I was not sure if jumping out of a building would accomplish that or make things even worse.

The bottom line is there is always a perceived payoff in terms of decreased pain and/or increased pleasure in everything we do. Even our most bizarre behaviors are always attempts to improve how we feel. Notice how all of these self-damaging behaviors fall into the same “Question 1” scenario (What would be least painful?). The universal need to find relief from pain and suffering lies behind our most destructive tendencies. So the next time you witness some inexplicable behaviors in others, consider that they simply can’t see a better way to relieve their suffering. What drives them is the same need that drives you. The only difference between any of us is our understanding of what it takes to find the lasting happiness we all truly long for.

Becoming deeply aware that we all function in the same way and are motivated by exactly the same desired outcome is the first step in the path to non-judgment, compassion and true forgiveness. My internationally bestselling book, The Magnificent Truths of Our Existence, leads you on a step-by-step healing path to discovering your own absolute innocence and finding real self-forgiveness and self-love. Click here to receive great bonus gifts to go along with your purchase.

Thanks for checking in, and may these truths bring you the perfect happiness, love, and inner peace that you so rightfully deserve.

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Daniel Parmeggiani

23rd May, 2014

The post The Reason we are Self-Destructive appeared first on Magnificient Truth.