Blue Cliff Monastery is a Buddhist monastery in Pine Bush, NY in the tradition of the Plum Village, and Thich Nhat Hanh. The retreat I attended was for people of color and every day I felt the presence of love, mindfulness, Sangha, Buddha, Thay, and an internal movement toward peace. This retreat was the first moment I have had to breathe in almost three whirlwind years of life changes and transformations. It was also the first time I made a choice of my own, for myself and for others around me, to take the Five Mindfulness Trainings.

Great Harmony Meditation Hall has high, vaulted, wooden ceilings and a smooth pale hardwood floor. I walked in as one of the Sisters was telling Vonda that she could sit in the center since she was someone who would be receiving the trainings. The mats and cushions we were to sit on were set facing the front of the hall, while the others were turned to face our cushions directly. I walked mindfully through the center of the cushions sitting behind her, a bit worried about my ability to sit without shifting or massaging the parts of my calves and feet that would surely get numb. My knees lack flexibility and while I am able to sit with my legs crossed, I cannot yet sit in even the half lotus position. As the monks and nuns entered the meditation hall and took their positions facing us, I felt a deep sense of how important the event I was about to undergo was. All around me sat my sisters and brothers in the practice, and I felt a wave of anxiety leave my body.

Danielle, Odie, Vonda, Queen, and many others played a role in how important this ceremony was for me. Their presence on those center cushions allowed me to feel a great sense of peace and serenity. Lex who was sitting behind me allowed me to feel like I was not alone in my inflexibility, perched on his knees three-meditation cushions beneath him. Some of us would take all five trainings, some of us would take a few, but in that moment when the monastics began to chant and Brother PK led the ceremony I experienced one of the most profound spiritual moments of my life.

Colonization has taken many rituals from people of color and labeled them primitive, illogical, and pagan. However, in that moment, by our own free will and in the support of the Sangha I felt like we had gotten them back. This moment felt like home. The bowing in gratitude, our foreheads and palms touching the earth, the open heart receiving the words, the body straining to remain calm and centered, the affirmation in response to questions in front of the community, and the chanting felt like we had arrived in a moment of pure awareness and love.

After the ceremony had ended we walked up to our dharma discussion leaders and they handed us our Five Mindfulness Training Certificate, a document that in addition to containing the information of that day, also contained our dharma names. These names we were later told are usually aspirational, and that we should meditate and return to these names often in our practice. The name I received was Healing with a Peaceful Heart. We practiced hugging meditation with those around us, those in the Mountain Family, and those who we had built a kinship with while at the retreat. And in the embrace of my brothers and sisters in the practice I began to see what my dharma name had the power to liberate within, as I tasted true happiness.

When I returned home, my body was flooded with emotion and the world’s speed was and is still a bit disorienting. The ways I had made others suffer, and their own suffering confronted me almost immediately. I was reminded of habit energies as my speech wound its way through the air unskillfully. I was reminded of how the five mindfulness trainings are a practice, and how returning to our breath and steps can create spaciousness. At times my eyes would well and I would observe the feelings going through me as I touched the present moment.

Not long after I arrived home I encountered this passage while reading Sister Dang Nghiem’s book, Healing: A Woman’s Journey from Doctor to Nun:

“When we love someone, it’s not because we live next to the person that we love him or her. We love because we can see the beauty in that person, and we learn to love him in a way that he lives inside us. We can see the suffering and shortcomings not yet transformed in that person, and we practice wholeheartedly in order to help transform those things for him. That is true love.” (138)

The path I must walk begins with one step and it helps that I feel the support of my brothers and sisters in the practice however far away they may be. I also have tools and my breath to allow me to return to the present moment and create the spaciousness, reverence for life, true happiness, deep and loving speech, true love, nourishment and healing that I will need to become of aware of my suffering and transform it. As Thay says, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Now I can notice the pain in my body, my mind, and my heart and embrace it with my awareness. Now I can truly take my first steps in the present moment: each step truly a wonderful moment.

-Sevé Torres