The World Cup is pretty fun because it gives a lot of people who could care less about it something else to pretend to like. I saw a Facebook status of a girl who couldn’t pick a soccer ball out of a line-up that said, “Sad to be stuck in the airport, but pumped to catch some of this Argentina match!!!” Yep, she called it a “match”—a thing only the soccer savvy, Europeans, and the ultimate posers call it.

As a guy born and bred on soccer—my Aussie father saw it as the nearest thing to rugby he...