Having spent a lot of years teaching and providing counseling for individuals, marriages, and families I have decided that I should add up what I have learned and see if I can pass it on. So, I am making a list of the very good lessons of life I have witnessed and participated in and while doing it I feel very grateful for all of those people who have helped me learn. While teaching at BYU I learned much from my students who I think are the very best in the world and in my professional office I have learned from the people I was trying to help. To all I express gratitude.

The first lesson I want to share is about the idea that when people are attracted to each other or parents or friends the intimacy and attachment of that relationships needs to be handled well or even close friendships and marriages can turn into something unpleasant. Here is what happens. Each of us has a certain amount of awareness of conditions in our environment such as other people, what we think they think, and what we observe them doing. We also have a certain ability to think and reflect on ourselves including what we value, our integrity, and our own goals and aspirations. The balance between these two positions is pretty fragile sometimes because we might all want somethings for ourselves but do not want to be selfish and we want to care for others without being dependent.

Problems with this form of emotional bond, in my experiences is the root cause of many emotional disorders and other kinds of relationship conflict. A lot of psychotherapy that goes on in the world is designed to effect a new balance that makes both people feel safe and cared for. I recently asked someone who had had an affair and blamed it on his wife, why a person of his high calibre would so easily give up his own integrity. “I didn’t,” he said. “An affair,” I stated and he said “oh, right.” He began to tell me that he had wanted his wife to approve of him to notice him and to be pleased with what he did. As it turned out she wanted him to show evidence that he loved her. Both were caught tight and neither felt cared for, free, or important. To solve this messy and unhappy situation I proposed that the two of them should revisit the idea of self control, identifying their own values and being consistent with them, and learning to do that when they are together. It is almost always a surprise to see how fast people become calm when they are more concerned about the consequences of their own actions rather than what someone else does. I have come to believe that we need a bit more focus on helping our children and ourselves understand the essential need for us to act congruent with our values and to learn how to balance that with concern for another. We would have less pain and fewer divorces I think.