Every three or four months, I indulge in a do-nothing day. I sleep as late as I want, watch TV or read in bed and pretty much have a peaceful, stress-free twenty-four hours. These quarterly lay-about days usually fall on Sundays and prepare my normally addled, firing-on-all-cylinders brain for Monday morning and the start of a brand new week of job hell.

My most recent lazy Sunday coincided with Presidents’ Day weekend, but due to several unexpected issues that had to be dealt with, my day of leisure didn’t happen until the next day. I didn’t care. That’s the beauty of a three-day weekend, I thought: if you can’t do what you want on Saturday or Sunday, there’s always Monday.

What I didn’t count on was weekday morning TV. No, not the many morning talk shows, game shows and reality TV fare. I’m talking about the commercials aimed at shut-ins, accident victims, the seriously ill, and the elderly. From about ten until five I was bombarded with ads for drugs that claimed to relieve all sorts of maladies, along with their numerous side effects. It didn’t matter what program I was watching, either. These ads were all over the place; the only escape was to watch a movie on HBO or TCM but I couldn’t find anything I liked. Even the financial channels ran these commercials, along with the ones for lawyers specializing in student loan forgiveness, settling with the IRS, and bankruptcy.

I know I should have turned off the TV but it was sort of mesmerizing. After seven hours of this constant barrage of possible misery, I became hyper-aware of even the slightest bodily twitch. I don’t consider myself a hypochondriac; nevertheless, by dinnertime there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I had contracted Type 2 Diabetes, Diabetic Nerve Pain, Crohn’s Disease, Fibromyalgia, Psoriasis, Acid Reflux, Arterio Fibrillation, Yeast Infection, Mesothelioma, Overactive Bladder, Post-menopausal Osteoporosis, Acne, Dry Scalp, and all manner of pet, food, and environmental allergies. The only conditions I was safe from were Erectile Dysfunction, Low Testosterone, and Gynoklemastia.

My doctor will be seeing me soon.