Emotional Health For Emotional Wealth: The View From A Therapist's Office

As an abused child, who was later raped and in a violent first marriage, I traditionally hated being 'visible'. I wanted to shrink and disappear so that I could not be hurt again. It didn't happen. I think some of the fat on my body is a way of protecting my 'inner child' (my identity) and one day I hope to be brave enough to let the fat go. It really serves very little purpose these days as since writing books and blogs you all get to see what I think! What I think and say is a reflection of who I am now.

I've recently re-married and we are about to have a formal church blessing - long dress - sixty guests all watching me walk down the aisle. Will they be waiting to see if I trip or get the words wrong? My intake of chocolate has increased ten-fold in the last couple of weeks. It suddenly occured to me that it was the anxiety of being 'visible' driving my behaviour.

After years of therapy in The States I proudly attended "Take Back The Night" rallys and was exhilerated after speaking publically about my childhood abuse - what a turning point for me! Why not try it yourself if you were abused? I also "stood up to be counted" at an anti-abortion demonstration (I was on the side of women having the right to chose).

During the years of self-employment as a Psychotherapist it was excruciating to promote myself and be 'visible' yet over the years I got used to it and that helped me to be more confident.

In my experience, people sometimes assume a fat person is greedy/lazy/depressed and all that is potentially true. How often have you ever looked beyond the fat and wondered (or asked youself) if wishing to be invisible is part of what is going on?