Susan Jane Smith's Blog

On the 13th May I almost died. I had what was supposed to be a simple operation which led to complications. I bled internally and was on life support. I needed 8 units of blood and plasma! Luckily I am blood group O RH Positive so the blood was available. Both my husband and I have been blood donors for years. You could say I got back a bit of what I had given. It saved my life. I will never know whose blood I received so cannot thank them personally. I am grateful though as without the blood donors I would not be alive today.

If you are not already a blood donor please consider doing so. Also please think through being an organ donor...right at the end of consciousness I said to the operating team that I was an organ donor and to save any bit of me worth saving! I have no idea how my mind remembered that! I had been unconscious for hours. I also ended with saying "if there is anything worth saving". At 66 yrs with a variety of health issues there might not be any organs of use.

Since I was so near to death it has made me review life since recovering. This will be my last blog as my priorities have changed. My books (especially "Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth") will continue to be available via Amazon and the other online bookstores. I am, however, coming off social media as I simply do not want to spend what time I have left on the computer.

I wish you all the best and thank you for reading my blogs. As Susan Jeffers book says "End the Struggle and Dance with Life".

I was naive. I thought hernias were something old men got in their groin. At a stretch I could imagine a young man getting a sports injury that led to a hernia. How wrong I was.

I have been off-line for months as I have felt really rough due to an incisional hernia in my abdomen. I now understand that it is a result of the hysterectomy I had almost five years ago. It left a weakness/place not properly healed inside me which I knew nothing about. Now I am facing another operation to fix the hernia.

Yesterday when I saw my surgeon he said that 10% of stomach area operations lead to a hernia. Ten percent! Why did no one warn me of the possibility? If had known I would have been more careful about lifting heavy objects...too late now.

The possibility of a hernia as a result of an operation was information I hope you will pass on so that any other person can ask questions about their risks.

Hugs and Emotional Wealth Change the World


I have been needing to re-read my e-book "Hugs and Emotional Wealth Change the World" because there is a neighbour who is not very nice. He is a bully to all his neighbours and it has reminded me of the need for assertiveness and how very important 'community' is to human life. Feeling safe in your own home is paramount. How awful for any displaced people.

Now I do not expect that you will run out and hug people you do not know. It is just 'food for thought' from me. Have you ever read any of the books by Leo Buscaglia? Do try them.

Emotional Wealth is when you have compassion, serenity and respect for other people and creatures. If you have any lingering emotional pain please take a look at my book "Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth" as it may help you to change your life.

A New Year is starting shortly - what changes do you want for your life? A Happy and Prosperous New Year to you.

Walking on Egg ShellsThat is at least what happens in many homes over the festive season. All of a sudden people who might not get together for the rest of the year are in the pressure cooker of expectations. All the tv commercials tell us it is a time of good cheer. Alcohol does not cause rows - it just lowers the inhibitions so that you are more likely to say exactly what is on your mind...no holds barred.

Here are a few tips from my book "Walking on Egg Shells":-

Before you go in 'all guns blazing'see if you can recognise the irritation you are feeling and speak about it at that stage. If you are assertive and get the annoyance out in the open, quietly, directly to the person who is distressing you, the matter may be cleared up immediately. If you don't and you 'hold your tongue' for the sake of the day then you may find that you boil over before the end of the day.

Ask yourself what is hurting you about the situation. Under anger there is always some hurt. Can you say what the hurt is about? Can you say to the other person "You hurt me when...and I am angry about that". Now I appreciate that the other person may become defensive and the matter can escalate quickly.

My Husband would tell you that I slam kitchen cupboards when cross. You see, I cannot always take my own advice! What do you normally do? Can you try to do something differently? Walk away until you calm down is great if you can do it (also, if you are the other person never block the exit).

Here are some questions to think about ahead of time:-
Do you believe that you each have a right to respect for your point of view even if different?

Are you willing to not let yourself sulk? It is a power play - so not an expression of self respect. This is behaviour learned in childhood and never acceptable.

Do not back down just for the sake of a quiet life. Trying to sweep a conflict 'under the carpet' does not work. Holding a grudge indicates you are either very emotionally immature or that you have not actually resolved the dispute.

Ask for an apology and accept it for the hurt - not necessarily for what was said or done.

If you are the person asked for an apology please think about giving a heartfelt one as nothing less will do. Did you truly mean to cause the other person to feel distress? If so, what does that say about you and your self-worth?

"Walking on Egg Shells" is a Kindle e-book that covers this subject so you might want to read it BEFORE the big day.

I hope you have a great holiday season.

Emotional Health For Emotional Wealth: The View From A Therapist's Office



DO YOU FEEL SAD, ANGRY, STRESSED, DEPRESSED OR UNHAPPY?

Does all the media hype about Christmas and other holiday festivities distress you? When there is unresolved emotional pain the joy other people are experiencing can make you feel even more distress as you are not having the same happiness.

The sub-title of this book is "The View from a Therapist's Office" because I was a Psychotherapist for over twenty years and a Divorce Mediator for 5 years and gained a wealth of insight into people's emotional lives.

"Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth" covers issues many people don't ever dare to speak about - domestic violence, rape, bullying, depression, alcoholism and child abuse. There can be a 'wall of silence' that means you can feel like there is nowhere to turn for help. This book can give you a start.

I have included chapters about love, sex, relationships, parenting through divorce, bereavement, and stress among other emotional issues.

There is also a blueprint for changing your life so why not take a look?

"Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth" is available from Amazon in both paperback and as an e-book. Barnes and Nobles, Waterstones and other online bookstores also make my books available.

Susan Jane Smith

Personally, I am terrified of dying. I have never wanted to do it and I hate the idea that it is outside of my control - mostly. I have for a long time told my friends and family that I will hope to commit suicide if I end up with cancer (or something else)if treatment does not look productive. Not sure I can actually do it - at least it gives me the illusion of control and choices.

I also have a 'living will' which resides with my Power of Attorney, my doctor and my solicitor. It sets out the parameters of what care I want if I cannot speak for myself.

Currently I have no reason to think I need a coffin. Years ago I came across a lady who was making pretty, coloured, paper mache caskets. That would be my first choice I decided. If not,I feel a wicker basket is in keeping with my 'green' wishes. I also fancy a green burial plot and found one where lambs would run across me in the Spring.

I have chosen the person I would prefer to take the Service, and written out the Service as I want it. Starting with a poem called "Rainbow Bridge" about my life and death with my pets (currently 11 rescue cats and a rescue dog). Years ago a Vicar told me that animals had no souls and we had an argument about it - he did not like animals so I consider him not fit to judge!

"The Desiderata" was found in a church years ago and is usually available on cards in church shops. The words made me feel better and kept me alive through years of depression. My favourite bit is "Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars, and you have a right to be here..." Do look the whole poem up for yourself. There might be some comfort in it for you too.

My experience is that frequently the singing at funerals is a bit 'limp' so I have chosen a hymn called "All Things Bright and Beautiful" - it was my favourite at school and is easy to sing.

Before finishing with The Lord's Prayer I would like the poem "Autumn Rain" read out - author Mary Elizabeth Fry in 1932. Since it is often quoted at funerals, I am including it here in case it is useful to you . I have no idea if it is still under copyright or not, and hope that Mary Elizabeth Fry would approve of her work still helping people:-

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there: I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there; I did not die."

This goes along with my simplistic understanding that we are beings of energy and that quantumn physics would give me to understand that 'matter' cannot be destroyed. I suppose I won't know until I get there!

Until recently it never occured to me that there are female funeral directors so I am off to see if I can find one in my area. The last piece of the plan.

I am finding the process of forcing myself to think about my own death quite empowering now that I have started and that is why I am sharing through this blog. I hope to inspire other people to take the burden off the family left behind and make their own arrangements. I am also trying to tidy-up my financial arrangements and paperwork files so that other people can do the probate work more easily. How easy would it be for your loved ones to figure out your income and expenses? How do you want to end your days on Earth?

I have never forgotten the telephone call I received on Christmas Eve many years ago. It was from a man in his thirties who was distraught because his wife had walked out on him and the children that morning. I was a Psychotherapist back then and he was asking for an urgent counselling appointment. I saw him within the hour because he was so upset.

What I had not reckoned on was that he brought the two little girls with him. They were aged 5 and 7 - crying and frightened because their world had just been turned up-side-down. They didn't fully understand what was wrong - just that this was not normal.

Now UNLESS THERE IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE I would ask parents of either sex to think about the children at this time of year.

I am not normally in favour of 'staying together for the sake of the children'. At Christmas I think it is a good thing to do as long as the couple can hold it together enough to be civil to each other. Separate in the New Year.

Obviously, if you are in any danger I think it is important to get out of the situation. There is no merit in endangering your life or that of your child or children.

What I am talking about is where there is marital breakdown because of an affair or general unhappiness or issues that have not been resolved. The reason for this is that Christmas will have been ruined for ever for those two little girls. There will not be happy memories for them and that is likely to have a knock on effect into their family's Christmases in due course. So other children will not have a great time either.

A written Parenting Plan is ideally written by the two of you before you announce to the child(ren) that you are splitting up. Please read my e-book "Parenting Through Divorce" to give you some ideas about how to put the needs of the children FIRST!

If you prefer to read a paperback rather than an ebook please buy a copy of my book "Emotional Health For Emotional Wealth" and see the chapter on parenting through divorce.Susan Jane Smith

How would you feel if your parents separated just before Christmas or any special day?

Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth: The View from a Therapist's Office


I have believed in the Law of Attraction for over 30 years as it has been around as a concept before Rhonda Byrne so neatly packaged it in her books etc. I have used visualisation and affirmations and gratitude for years. It has paid off for me.

I have a wonderful new husband (sexy and handsome and kind), and we have just moved in to a delightful little cottage with fantastic views.

I spent years watching TV property programmes and dreaming of the kind of home I wanted. Now it has become my reality - and it was not because I won the lottery.

The way I believe it works is that what you think about you create by the actions that your thoughts drive. When you attach your feelings to your desires it motivates you to make the life choices that develop your lifestyle - whatever it is that you want. I don't think it is as simple as positive thinking - what I do believe is that if you have negative thoughts your life will not improve.

For me there have been years of actively trying to stimulate my mind with positive thoughts and small actions towards a better life. One of those small steps came when listening to a radio programme (40 yrs ago!) It was an interview and the person explained the concept of seeing your glass half full or half empty. I had always assumed that half empty was the way everyone saw the world and once I knew I could change how I saw my life I grabbed every opportunity to make change. You can too!

British Medical Association Complete Family Health Guide. Medical Editor, Tony Smith


In these blogs I like to try to bring you bits of information that might not normally come to your attention. Thus, when I had a scare recently I hurried to one of my favourite books:-
'British Medical Association Complete Family Health Guide'

Although doctors never seem to like being questioned based on this book or my internet research,I believe it allows me to write down better questions for when I go to see a doctor about any medical condition. That is what I think makes the doctors uncomfortable - questions they are not expecting and cannot necessarily answer easily.

Anyway I had never thought about getting cancer in the vagina nor in the vulva - have you? It appears to be rare and more likely to affect women over 60 who may have had an active sex life and unprotected sex - who new back in the 'swinging' 60's? Smoking also is a risk factor the book says.

This is a brief quote from the BMA Guide which I trust they won't mind since the objective is education:-

"Cancer of the vulva may cause vulval itching, but often the first symptom is a hard lump or ulcer on the vulva. If the ulcer is not treated, it may produce an offensive, bloody discharge. Cancer of the vagina often causes no symptoms until the tumour is at an advanced stage, although bleeding and pain may occur after sexual intercourse." It goes on to talk about the importance of early detection.

My conclusion is that if any of the above seems to fit a description of you please do your own research and get to the doctor quickly.

I used to worry about having breast cancer and a breast removed. The thought of surgery 'down there' is even more harrowing - better than being dead though!

Please share this information with all the women you know. Maybe it will save a life.

Over forty years ago my new boss drove into the office car park in a shiny, silver, sports car. He opened the door, and got out,as I watched from the office window. It was love at first sight for me. I was so young it never occured to me that it was bound to end in my tears.

A lot of the wisdom in my books are based on the experiences of clients - this is part of my own life - a salutory tale indeed.

I was, as they say, 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. I was twenty, he was thirty four. Both of us were married. I was seeking love and he was most probably seeking sex. A very old story. Is there no way to 'put an old head on young shoulders'? Looking back I would not have listened. The benefit of age for me has been more wisdom (I hope).

The affair was not a secret at work. Not a secret to my girlfriends. I divorced. He did not leave his wife and child. He was an alcoholic (I now understand) and I was emotionally wounded in childhood, depressed and not capable of making healthy choices.

The affair carried on for over twenty years - I went to America to get away and I returned to England hoping to be back with him. The sex was never great as he had pre-mature ejeculation. We went out a bit. He occasionally told me he 'loved' me and I do believe he did in his own way, and on his own terms - he was not really coping with life either. Ironically, we had always been very successful in our jobs.

With all that I now know, it was more obsession than love on my part. When it first came out,I read Robin Norwood's book "Women Who Love Too Much". Life changing. Then I read 'Letters from Women Who Love Too Much' and realised I was not alone in my behaviour and the reasons driving it.

After years in counselling and really a waste of my child-bearing years, I managed to disconnect myself from a craving that I could not fill except by learning to love myself.

If you know anyone in this type of situation they do need to go to see a counsellor/psychotherapist as it truly is addictive behaviour. A relationship addiction needs professional help - just as in drug addiction or gambling or any other addiction.