A Love Story Without a Happy Ending
Over forty years ago my new boss drove into the office car park in a shiny, silver, sports car. He opened the door, and got out,as I watched from the office window. It was love at first sight for me. I was so young it never occured to me that it was bound to end in my tears.
A lot of the wisdom in my books are based on the experiences of clients - this is part of my own life - a salutory tale indeed.
I was, as they say, 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. I was twenty, he was thirty four. Both of us were married. I was seeking love and he was most probably seeking sex. A very old story. Is there no way to 'put an old head on young shoulders'? Looking back I would not have listened. The benefit of age for me has been more wisdom (I hope).
The affair was not a secret at work. Not a secret to my girlfriends. I divorced. He did not leave his wife and child. He was an alcoholic (I now understand) and I was emotionally wounded in childhood, depressed and not capable of making healthy choices.
The affair carried on for over twenty years - I went to America to get away and I returned to England hoping to be back with him. The sex was never great as he had pre-mature ejeculation. We went out a bit. He occasionally told me he 'loved' me and I do believe he did in his own way, and on his own terms - he was not really coping with life either. Ironically, we had always been very successful in our jobs.
With all that I now know, it was more obsession than love on my part. When it first came out,I read Robin Norwood's book "Women Who Love Too Much". Life changing. Then I read 'Letters from Women Who Love Too Much' and realised I was not alone in my behaviour and the reasons driving it.
After years in counselling and really a waste of my child-bearing years, I managed to disconnect myself from a craving that I could not fill except by learning to love myself.
If you know anyone in this type of situation they do need to go to see a counsellor/psychotherapist as it truly is addictive behaviour. A relationship addiction needs professional help - just as in drug addiction or gambling or any other addiction.
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Susan wrote: "Well said and a lot of insight. The only thing I would say is that there is no such thing as the perfect love. Nor is there just one right person. Good luck and thanks for sharing."As a teenager, with various horrors still fresh in my mind, and completely unsure what to make of it all, I spent time trying to find that "perfect love", someone who would tick all of the boxes. The thing is, I was so desperate for any love at all, I just settled for someone who appeared to tick one or two boxes, then when it didn't work out, jump onto the next one who appeared to be better, and so on. I'd done that four times, nearly a fifth, before stopping and reevaluating.
So yes, I know that there is no such think as the "perfect love" or "perfect person" or even just one "right person". There was actually one amongst those four who could have been right for a longer time, had the old demons not come back into my mind, thinking the only choice I had was to run for survival. A relationship needs to be worked at, from all sides, which isn't easy for someone who's broken and is used to being let down. Plus expecting perfection is only going to mean that you feel "let down" far sooner, rather than trying to stay the distance when you know and appreciate that no one is absolutely perfect.
Anyway, I've passed all the references on to my psychologist, as I'm sure she'll find them fascinating!
Unfortunately, decent help actually came quite late in life for me and involved moving countries in order to find someone who was willing to assist and listen (the MH services in the UK are pretty dire). For a lot of people in the UK, battling with the overrun NHS, too much awareness can be considered as not requiring any help at all!I do try to do what I can for myself, use my own self-awareness to try and improve my behaviour, when I can, but it certainly isn't easy! Sometimes I do find extra strength myself through inspiring others to keep going, giving that extra push when they need it.
Anyway, I haven't read that book yet, but I will most certainly check it out! :)
Susan wrote: "Susie I will happily give you a free copy of my book - for Kindle, computer or as a paperback if you send me your details to Susan@EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk"Wow, thank you so much! I saw that you PMed me on here, so I will reply via there! :)
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Luckily I am still young enough to make the change. I have spent too many years going from one destructive relationship to another, so I have to make sure that if I do end up in another relationship, that it is as right as it can be. Breaking that cycle has probably been the bravest and hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But, of course, it always goes back to the beginning. Searching for that "perfect love", when you don't even understand what it is that you're looking for...