I am not the type of person who says, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” when it comes to the commercialism of the holidays, but I just found myself seriously looking at a hand-knit cozy for a hard-boiled egg and wondering if that was an appropriate and fun gift. You don’t believe me? Here you go:

Why is it not okay to just give people cash? Cash is a great gift, and it lends real insight into relationships with people. It says, “You like money!” but not in that Merchant of Venice type way.

But no. We must give each other adorable little hats for our eggs. (Face it. That egg cozy is adorable. It’s like looking at a picture of a newborn baby, but cuter and less red, with better skin.)

So, with some ado, here is a gift-giving guide of things that people sell purely to make the gift giver look ridiculous. (And yes, I do realize that my last two posts have been mocking in nature and perhaps my creativity comes only in the form of criticizing others’ hard-earned cozies. I assure you karma is a bitch and whence I create a cozy, I shall get slammed.)

Cashmere sweatpants.

Do you need more information than that?

Sometimes I think boiling water is just too onerous. Voila! 

Soup socks! Soup socks! (Okay, this isn’t so bad, but just the name made me giggle.)

Nothing says, “I think you’re the most awful human being on the planet,” like a Gold Swarovski coffee tumbler. Use it for the Emily Gilmore in your life! Because if you have an extra $110, you definitely shouldn’t give it to the food bank.

I recommend getting something your friend really hates engraved onto one of these boards, like, “the cold virus,” or “colic,” or “Rush Limbaugh,” (or, for your more conservative friends,”‘Obamacare!”) and then handing them a big cleaver and a bloody steak. Said the vegan.

There’s more, but it’s all in the line of five hundred dollar overalls and bejeweled bras, so, you know, we’re all ridiculous. Duh.