Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Having trouble staying awake? We know you work hard, citizen. After all, you're dedicated. But the terrorists are out there lurking, and their cowardly tactics have real consequences. Consider the case of citizen Helga Dorflefuster, a heroic statistical analyst at Central Management. It's nearing the end of her daystretch, but the results of yesterday's survey on Nutritional Competency have been delayed due to an anomalous power outage and the subsequent lock-down. Now the stack of forms has arrived. Is she going to shut down her terminal, return to her barracks, and put off today's work for tomorrow? Of course not! She knows it's vitally important her supervisor find out whether food dispensers at your community dining hall are aware of the health benefits of the latest improvements to Brown Flavor. But citizen Helga is suffering from fatigue. She can hardly keep her eyes open. That's right, citizen, she's in need of a pep pill! But not just any brand of pep pill. Citizen Helga relies on Sedeterol. Don't you? Just one pretty, pink capsule and in a matter of moments she's gushing with energy once more. She'll have those results typed up and on her supervisor's desk in no time! Sedeterol is freely dispensed for a nominal fee at health clinics, dining halls, and a vending machine near you. Take as many as you need for as long as you need them! There are no significant side effects. “Sedeterol! Not just your average kick in the ass.”
And now our top story.
Two daystretches ago, a gargantuan billboard overlooking the George Wallace plaza in F-7 sector crashed unexpectedly to the floor. The entire cast of How'd You Get So Loyal? was killed. Witnesses confirm that a Thought Leader from Central Management – his identity has yet to be released by the authorities – was on location directing the film crew despite the presence of a qualified professional from Human Resources. Highly trained to fill sudden gaps in the mid-level management chain, Thought Leaders are capable of setting goals, evaluating progress, and sending emails in virtually any situation. First responders from H&C are conducting an investigation, but preliminary results indicate the billboard's mount had been deliberately weakened by some form of acidic compound. Strangely enough, no one can recall who requested the Thought Leader's services, and his supervisor over at the home office is denying responsibility. A search for the recalcitrant Thought Leader is ongoing.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? The freedom to express his genuine opinion – free of fear of retribution – is guaranteed to each and every citizen in the Bunker. Contrast our happy situation with that of the unfortunates on Earth. Each person there had to beg, cajole, and otherwise demean himself just to be accepted into an institution of learning or obtain one of their artificially scarce “jobs”. No wonder every last one of them dissolved into smoldering pits of hot ash! Here in the Bunker, statements on social media are never scrutinized by our supervisors, neighborhood runners, or parole officers. We appreciate the patchwork of unique, diverse communities that has sprung up around the Bunker because they are the vibrant backbone of our felicitous utopia. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Femke Borscht discusses her role in Who Just Shat In My Pants: The Finale, Part Seven in an intimate, hourstretch-long interview arranged by Your Magazine. Fans of Femka Borscht will be sure to watch as she reveals her panties and whether she prefers PermaChunky or PermaCrunchy! And over the next several daystretches, officials at P&L will be conducting tours of the food pits in U-12 sector. Come one, come all! A privilege normally reserved for Wards of the State, for a limited time you, too, can learn how healthy, delicious Vitamim is brought into the world before it emerges from the spigots at your dining hall. Don't miss out!
The Color of the Patriot is mellow yellow.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Having trouble staying awake? We know you work hard, citizen. After all, you're dedicated. But the terrorists are out there lurking, and their cowardly tactics have real consequences. Consider the case of citizen Helga Dorflefuster, a heroic statistical analyst at Central Management. It's nearing the end of her daystretch, but the results of yesterday's survey on Nutritional Competency have been delayed due to an anomalous power outage and the subsequent lock-down. Now the stack of forms has arrived. Is she going to shut down her terminal, return to her barracks, and put off today's work for tomorrow? Of course not! She knows it's vitally important her supervisor find out whether food dispensers at your community dining hall are aware of the health benefits of the latest improvements to Brown Flavor. But citizen Helga is suffering from fatigue. She can hardly keep her eyes open. That's right, citizen, she's in need of a pep pill! But not just any brand of pep pill. Citizen Helga relies on Sedeterol. Don't you? Just one pretty, pink capsule and in a matter of moments she's gushing with energy once more. She'll have those results typed up and on her supervisor's desk in no time! Sedeterol is freely dispensed for a nominal fee at health clinics, dining halls, and a vending machine near you. Take as many as you need for as long as you need them! There are no significant side effects. “Sedeterol! Not just your average kick in the ass.”
And now our top story.
Two daystretches ago, a gargantuan billboard overlooking the George Wallace plaza in F-7 sector crashed unexpectedly to the floor. The entire cast of How'd You Get So Loyal? was killed. Witnesses confirm that a Thought Leader from Central Management – his identity has yet to be released by the authorities – was on location directing the film crew despite the presence of a qualified professional from Human Resources. Highly trained to fill sudden gaps in the mid-level management chain, Thought Leaders are capable of setting goals, evaluating progress, and sending emails in virtually any situation. First responders from H&C are conducting an investigation, but preliminary results indicate the billboard's mount had been deliberately weakened by some form of acidic compound. Strangely enough, no one can recall who requested the Thought Leader's services, and his supervisor over at the home office is denying responsibility. A search for the recalcitrant Thought Leader is ongoing.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? The freedom to express his genuine opinion – free of fear of retribution – is guaranteed to each and every citizen in the Bunker. Contrast our happy situation with that of the unfortunates on Earth. Each person there had to beg, cajole, and otherwise demean himself just to be accepted into an institution of learning or obtain one of their artificially scarce “jobs”. No wonder every last one of them dissolved into smoldering pits of hot ash! Here in the Bunker, statements on social media are never scrutinized by our supervisors, neighborhood runners, or parole officers. We appreciate the patchwork of unique, diverse communities that has sprung up around the Bunker because they are the vibrant backbone of our felicitous utopia. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Femke Borscht discusses her role in Who Just Shat In My Pants: The Finale, Part Seven in an intimate, hourstretch-long interview arranged by Your Magazine. Fans of Femka Borscht will be sure to watch as she reveals her panties and whether she prefers PermaChunky or PermaCrunchy! And over the next several daystretches, officials at P&L will be conducting tours of the food pits in U-12 sector. Come one, come all! A privilege normally reserved for Wards of the State, for a limited time you, too, can learn how healthy, delicious Vitamim is brought into the world before it emerges from the spigots at your dining hall. Don't miss out!
The Color of the Patriot is mellow yellow.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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