Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and Beta-clearance citizen, is a terrorist and a spy. That's right, ladies and gentlemen! He's been fooling us all along with his glib boardroom maneuvers and doctored financial reports. Incontrovertible proof of his direct involvement in the illegal disposal of forms from Central Management's preliminary filing stations has been found inside the Wellness Pyramid in T-4 sector. That's right! Wired with the most sensitive of alarms, we were able to slip an agent past the tightly guarded perimeter and take a look inside for ourselves. We found forms. Stacks upon stacks of unprocessed forms. Forms that you, good citizens, took the time to fill out and submit, and which subsequently disappeared into a bureaucratic void. Who would commit such a heinous crime is anyone's guess, although we have our suspicions. Citizen Milfred is clearly enjoying the protection of someone else, most likely one of the most trusted citizens in the Bunker. And we all know how close his relationship is with Alpha-clearance citizen and Chief Architect in Residence at H&C, Andreas Fokker! How else could citizen Milfred have arranged a storage depot in the middle of T-4 sector and the transport of tons of paperwork without anyone noticing? We therefore demand a full investigation! We will accept nothing less than the complete and unadulterated truth.
In other news, Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and Beta-clearance citizen, is a patriot and a hero. As we all know, citizen Milfred is in a unique position to uncover graft and corruption in boardrooms everywhere. As it was, the constant barrage of senseless reporting concerning the Wellness Pyramid in T-4 sector demanded his immediate attention. He arranged an appointment on the board of Divergent Investments Ltd, a holding firm specializing in real estate development and the owner of the Wellness Pyramid. The Chairman of the Board, Beta-clearance citizen Emmet Struxton, quickly came to resent his bothersome inquiries but fortunately could do nothing to forestall them. A quick visit to the Wellness Pyramid (accompanied by a Thought Leader in case of emergency) revealed that the structure is, in fact, as abandoned as it ever was. The work crews bustling about the place, the security precautions, even the offensive blown sludge leaking into the corridors were all a ruse. Further investigation revealed that citizen Emmet is closely associated with Alpha-clearance citizen Rita Fiddlemack, General Secretary of Human Resources' Secretariat and the owner of several private media outlets, including Today's Edition. Known for charging exorbitant rates for advertising space, citizen Rita conspired with citizen Emmet to block out the actual events of the Bunker with this constant stream of falsehoods concerning the Wellness Pyramid. This distraction was meant to buy citizen Rita time to renegotiate contracts with her sponsors while at the same time proving she could shape the news at her whim and discretion. Citizens, this blatant violation of the public trust her cannot go unanswered! We demand a full investigation into citizen Emmet Struxton's activities and the punishment of all his associates, whatever their security clearance. We will accept nothing less than the complete and unadulterated truth.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Every once in a while we receive emails from citizens concerned about the loyalty of their husband or wife. They report feeling torn between their loyalty to Control and their love for their spouse. Well, citizens, however you look at it, it is impossible to remain in love with a traitor. If you have reason to doubt your loved ones' personal integrity, your only option is to report them to the proper authorities or risk criminal charges yourself. No one is punished who is undeserving. Remember, the safety and wellbeing of the Bunker starts with you. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, Kiss a Ward Daystretch starts tomorrow. Grab a chubby little face whenever you happen across one and give it a big, wet kiss! It's just another way you can show your appreciation for these bright shining stars, the future of the Bunker.
And now for some public service announcements.
Vending machines everywhere are being updated with Flappantastic's greatest and latest flavor, Smacklebomb. Expect long wait times. Remember, no queue should ever grow past the patriotic limit of twenty-five persons!
The Color of the Patriot is verrucose.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and Beta-clearance citizen, is a terrorist and a spy. That's right, ladies and gentlemen! He's been fooling us all along with his glib boardroom maneuvers and doctored financial reports. Incontrovertible proof of his direct involvement in the illegal disposal of forms from Central Management's preliminary filing stations has been found inside the Wellness Pyramid in T-4 sector. That's right! Wired with the most sensitive of alarms, we were able to slip an agent past the tightly guarded perimeter and take a look inside for ourselves. We found forms. Stacks upon stacks of unprocessed forms. Forms that you, good citizens, took the time to fill out and submit, and which subsequently disappeared into a bureaucratic void. Who would commit such a heinous crime is anyone's guess, although we have our suspicions. Citizen Milfred is clearly enjoying the protection of someone else, most likely one of the most trusted citizens in the Bunker. And we all know how close his relationship is with Alpha-clearance citizen and Chief Architect in Residence at H&C, Andreas Fokker! How else could citizen Milfred have arranged a storage depot in the middle of T-4 sector and the transport of tons of paperwork without anyone noticing? We therefore demand a full investigation! We will accept nothing less than the complete and unadulterated truth.
In other news, Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and Beta-clearance citizen, is a patriot and a hero. As we all know, citizen Milfred is in a unique position to uncover graft and corruption in boardrooms everywhere. As it was, the constant barrage of senseless reporting concerning the Wellness Pyramid in T-4 sector demanded his immediate attention. He arranged an appointment on the board of Divergent Investments Ltd, a holding firm specializing in real estate development and the owner of the Wellness Pyramid. The Chairman of the Board, Beta-clearance citizen Emmet Struxton, quickly came to resent his bothersome inquiries but fortunately could do nothing to forestall them. A quick visit to the Wellness Pyramid (accompanied by a Thought Leader in case of emergency) revealed that the structure is, in fact, as abandoned as it ever was. The work crews bustling about the place, the security precautions, even the offensive blown sludge leaking into the corridors were all a ruse. Further investigation revealed that citizen Emmet is closely associated with Alpha-clearance citizen Rita Fiddlemack, General Secretary of Human Resources' Secretariat and the owner of several private media outlets, including Today's Edition. Known for charging exorbitant rates for advertising space, citizen Rita conspired with citizen Emmet to block out the actual events of the Bunker with this constant stream of falsehoods concerning the Wellness Pyramid. This distraction was meant to buy citizen Rita time to renegotiate contracts with her sponsors while at the same time proving she could shape the news at her whim and discretion. Citizens, this blatant violation of the public trust her cannot go unanswered! We demand a full investigation into citizen Emmet Struxton's activities and the punishment of all his associates, whatever their security clearance. We will accept nothing less than the complete and unadulterated truth.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Every once in a while we receive emails from citizens concerned about the loyalty of their husband or wife. They report feeling torn between their loyalty to Control and their love for their spouse. Well, citizens, however you look at it, it is impossible to remain in love with a traitor. If you have reason to doubt your loved ones' personal integrity, your only option is to report them to the proper authorities or risk criminal charges yourself. No one is punished who is undeserving. Remember, the safety and wellbeing of the Bunker starts with you. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, Kiss a Ward Daystretch starts tomorrow. Grab a chubby little face whenever you happen across one and give it a big, wet kiss! It's just another way you can show your appreciation for these bright shining stars, the future of the Bunker.
And now for some public service announcements.
Vending machines everywhere are being updated with Flappantastic's greatest and latest flavor, Smacklebomb. Expect long wait times. Remember, no queue should ever grow past the patriotic limit of twenty-five persons!
The Color of the Patriot is verrucose.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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