Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Alpha clearance citizens Andreas Fokker, Chief Architect in Residence at Housing and Construction, and Rita Fiddlemack, General Secretary of the Secretariat at Human Resources, have agreed to put their disagreement behind them after the benevolent intervention of the boys over at Control. Any tension that may have appeared to exist between them was the result of a simple misunderstanding and nothing more. Beta-clearance citizen and celebrity manager Milfred Roth was on hand to toast their reconciliation in a special segment on the Loyalty Stretch.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Is the hygiene inspector of your communal barracks constantly harassing you about dirt under your fingernails? Are they too thick to chew off like everybody else seems to do? The Irbix Nail Zapper is the answer! Specially designed to slice painlessly through keratin, the Irbix Nail Zapper automatically catches clippings so they won't fall on the floor and get you into even more trouble. The Irbix Nail Zapper. Comes in three convenient sizes and with its own handy carrying case!
In other news, a group of scientists in Developmental Engineering will be holding a discussion panel in X-4 sector all next weekstretch to inform the public about the imminent threat posed by the star Gliese 710. With a 99.9% chance of passing within a light year of the sun sometime in the next 1.4 million yearstretches, it is imperative that the dangers presented by this rogue star and its imminent collision with civilization are well known so we can begin to take action to deflect or – as they case may be – destroy this treacherous heavenly body.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Does your hair keep getting in your eyes? Does it cover your ears and make conversation difficult? Are you tried of the plain, rust-colored hair pins produced by the next leading name brand? Then why don't you try Froffenfrank Coiffeur Fresheners! Friendly, reliable, and pleasantly pliable, Froffenfrank Coiffeur Fresheners will firmly hold back your hair under virtually any circumstance. And they come in an array of flashy colors and patterns! Make a statement with Froffenfrank Coiffeur Fresheners. You'll be glad you did!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Reconciliation is a wonderful concept, as it embodies the spirit of compassion and understanding that underpins our society. Having said that, it is important to remember there can never be any reconciliation whatsoever with a traitor. Once a traitor, always a traitor. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Axxon Soft and Creamy Head Wax. It's the only way to make your head truly shine! Sold at an apothecary near you. Or simply order from one of our roving infomercials! Don't know where to find one? Don't worry, citizen. We'll find you!
And now for some public service announcements.
Yasmin Amarantos, the accomplished investigative journalist known for (among other things) that classic fifteen episode documentary, One Hundred Things To Do Before Graduation, will be interviewing random citizens in I sector during the next weekstretch. Don't be put off by the bright lights, cameras, or the heavily armed contingent of security guards! Answer all citizen Yasmin's questions openly and honestly. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Ardenax Fluffy Balls. They hang places. They feel nice against your skin. And don't forget how cute and cuddly they are! Ideal for the office or the dashboard in your car. Ardenax Fluffy Balls. Your imagination is the limit.
The Color of the Patriot is blackout.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Alpha clearance citizens Andreas Fokker, Chief Architect in Residence at Housing and Construction, and Rita Fiddlemack, General Secretary of the Secretariat at Human Resources, have agreed to put their disagreement behind them after the benevolent intervention of the boys over at Control. Any tension that may have appeared to exist between them was the result of a simple misunderstanding and nothing more. Beta-clearance citizen and celebrity manager Milfred Roth was on hand to toast their reconciliation in a special segment on the Loyalty Stretch.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Is the hygiene inspector of your communal barracks constantly harassing you about dirt under your fingernails? Are they too thick to chew off like everybody else seems to do? The Irbix Nail Zapper is the answer! Specially designed to slice painlessly through keratin, the Irbix Nail Zapper automatically catches clippings so they won't fall on the floor and get you into even more trouble. The Irbix Nail Zapper. Comes in three convenient sizes and with its own handy carrying case!
In other news, a group of scientists in Developmental Engineering will be holding a discussion panel in X-4 sector all next weekstretch to inform the public about the imminent threat posed by the star Gliese 710. With a 99.9% chance of passing within a light year of the sun sometime in the next 1.4 million yearstretches, it is imperative that the dangers presented by this rogue star and its imminent collision with civilization are well known so we can begin to take action to deflect or – as they case may be – destroy this treacherous heavenly body.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Does your hair keep getting in your eyes? Does it cover your ears and make conversation difficult? Are you tried of the plain, rust-colored hair pins produced by the next leading name brand? Then why don't you try Froffenfrank Coiffeur Fresheners! Friendly, reliable, and pleasantly pliable, Froffenfrank Coiffeur Fresheners will firmly hold back your hair under virtually any circumstance. And they come in an array of flashy colors and patterns! Make a statement with Froffenfrank Coiffeur Fresheners. You'll be glad you did!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Reconciliation is a wonderful concept, as it embodies the spirit of compassion and understanding that underpins our society. Having said that, it is important to remember there can never be any reconciliation whatsoever with a traitor. Once a traitor, always a traitor. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Axxon Soft and Creamy Head Wax. It's the only way to make your head truly shine! Sold at an apothecary near you. Or simply order from one of our roving infomercials! Don't know where to find one? Don't worry, citizen. We'll find you!
And now for some public service announcements.
Yasmin Amarantos, the accomplished investigative journalist known for (among other things) that classic fifteen episode documentary, One Hundred Things To Do Before Graduation, will be interviewing random citizens in I sector during the next weekstretch. Don't be put off by the bright lights, cameras, or the heavily armed contingent of security guards! Answer all citizen Yasmin's questions openly and honestly. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Ardenax Fluffy Balls. They hang places. They feel nice against your skin. And don't forget how cute and cuddly they are! Ideal for the office or the dashboard in your car. Ardenax Fluffy Balls. Your imagination is the limit.
The Color of the Patriot is blackout.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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