Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Having trouble getting any action on your favorite dating sites? Did bunny4u_78 respond to your chat request with an audio feed of her having sex with somebody else? Not everyone can be as beautiful and alluring as Lady Lagrange or Jallison Kamgee, but why suffer alone needlessly? We at Snappy Lube understand your dilemma. Snappy Lube has the knowledge and experience to craft an online dating profile that works for you. Better yet, our heavily patented process doesn't require any input from you whatsoever! Call now or drop on by one of our kiosks to talk with an understanding representative. Before you know it you'll be awash in more friend and fuck requests than you'll know what to do with. Snappy Lube. “We can turn your ugly face into an asset.”
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
An operational prototype of an advanced and highly unpredictable cybot is on the loose somewhere in H-5 sector. A new weapon in the war against terrorism, researchers from Developmental Engineering have poured a vast amount of resources into its creation. Gamma-clearance citizen and respected project lead Abe Yazumi spoke with a reporter from Today's Edition. “This cybot is capable of sniffing out disloyalty from kilometers away. Quite literally! Certain glands near the surface of the skin are known to secrete a pheromone that betrays a person's nasty intentions. The cybot, having identified the pheromone's source, is programmed to shoot to kill. No human intervention required.” The prototype's escape comes at an unfortunate time, as the cybot was scheduled to be presented for the first time to its stakeholders and primary sources of funding high up in the ranks of Defense. Citizens are asked to be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
In other news, a series of explosions in U-10 sector disrupted power to several industrial facilities, including the sector's largest producer of Vitamim. Popularly dubbed “foot pits” due to the vast tubs built into the floor in which this tasty and nutritious dietary staple is mixed and fermented, the affected food factories were without power for several hourstretches. An entire crop of Vitamim was lost. Fortunately, the good citizens of U sector have volunteered to forgo eating for the next two daystretches. In addition, their production quotas will remain in place so as not to shock the broader economy. Not a single dissenter was to be found among them. As a gesture of gratitude, Control has therefore decided to grant the entire sector Fifteen Minutes of Fame. Congratulations, U sector!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Yanzer shoe slippers. Exactly what you need to protect those fashionable – not to mention expensive! – pair of boots you just picked up. Why not treat them with the care and respect they deserve? Yanzer shoe slippers. “Protecting footwear for as long as anyone can remember.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? There are times when the metro or other form of public transport is filled to capacity. Although Control has provided exactly the resources required to maintain our wealth and happiness, sometimes those resources are stretched to the maximum extent. In these situations, it is never appropriate to cop a feel or grab someone'e ass, no matter how tempting the urge. Groping or initiating any other form of unwanted bodily contact is a criminal act and will not be tolerated. Remember, this is not just your home. It's our home, too. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, a troupe of jugglers will be entertaining citizens this weekstretch in all our plazas and major intersections. Take a moment to enjoy these talented Wards of the State and their lively performances!
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a fire in V-10 sector, the Bunker is currently experiencing a shortage of plastex, one of the basic building blocks of our economy. As a result, certain popular items you are normally accustomed to seeing stocked on the shelves of supermarkets and in the stalls of bazaars – such as toothbrushes, toilet paper, and lava lamps – will be temporarily unavailable. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Cleany Clean, the Bunker's number one cleanliness assistant! Available for purchase in any supermarket and some vending machines. “It may look like water. It may taste like water. But Cleany Clean is a miracle!”
The Color of the Patriot is plutonium.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Having trouble getting any action on your favorite dating sites? Did bunny4u_78 respond to your chat request with an audio feed of her having sex with somebody else? Not everyone can be as beautiful and alluring as Lady Lagrange or Jallison Kamgee, but why suffer alone needlessly? We at Snappy Lube understand your dilemma. Snappy Lube has the knowledge and experience to craft an online dating profile that works for you. Better yet, our heavily patented process doesn't require any input from you whatsoever! Call now or drop on by one of our kiosks to talk with an understanding representative. Before you know it you'll be awash in more friend and fuck requests than you'll know what to do with. Snappy Lube. “We can turn your ugly face into an asset.”
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
An operational prototype of an advanced and highly unpredictable cybot is on the loose somewhere in H-5 sector. A new weapon in the war against terrorism, researchers from Developmental Engineering have poured a vast amount of resources into its creation. Gamma-clearance citizen and respected project lead Abe Yazumi spoke with a reporter from Today's Edition. “This cybot is capable of sniffing out disloyalty from kilometers away. Quite literally! Certain glands near the surface of the skin are known to secrete a pheromone that betrays a person's nasty intentions. The cybot, having identified the pheromone's source, is programmed to shoot to kill. No human intervention required.” The prototype's escape comes at an unfortunate time, as the cybot was scheduled to be presented for the first time to its stakeholders and primary sources of funding high up in the ranks of Defense. Citizens are asked to be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
In other news, a series of explosions in U-10 sector disrupted power to several industrial facilities, including the sector's largest producer of Vitamim. Popularly dubbed “foot pits” due to the vast tubs built into the floor in which this tasty and nutritious dietary staple is mixed and fermented, the affected food factories were without power for several hourstretches. An entire crop of Vitamim was lost. Fortunately, the good citizens of U sector have volunteered to forgo eating for the next two daystretches. In addition, their production quotas will remain in place so as not to shock the broader economy. Not a single dissenter was to be found among them. As a gesture of gratitude, Control has therefore decided to grant the entire sector Fifteen Minutes of Fame. Congratulations, U sector!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Yanzer shoe slippers. Exactly what you need to protect those fashionable – not to mention expensive! – pair of boots you just picked up. Why not treat them with the care and respect they deserve? Yanzer shoe slippers. “Protecting footwear for as long as anyone can remember.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? There are times when the metro or other form of public transport is filled to capacity. Although Control has provided exactly the resources required to maintain our wealth and happiness, sometimes those resources are stretched to the maximum extent. In these situations, it is never appropriate to cop a feel or grab someone'e ass, no matter how tempting the urge. Groping or initiating any other form of unwanted bodily contact is a criminal act and will not be tolerated. Remember, this is not just your home. It's our home, too. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, a troupe of jugglers will be entertaining citizens this weekstretch in all our plazas and major intersections. Take a moment to enjoy these talented Wards of the State and their lively performances!
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a fire in V-10 sector, the Bunker is currently experiencing a shortage of plastex, one of the basic building blocks of our economy. As a result, certain popular items you are normally accustomed to seeing stocked on the shelves of supermarkets and in the stalls of bazaars – such as toothbrushes, toilet paper, and lava lamps – will be temporarily unavailable. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Cleany Clean, the Bunker's number one cleanliness assistant! Available for purchase in any supermarket and some vending machines. “It may look like water. It may taste like water. But Cleany Clean is a miracle!”
The Color of the Patriot is plutonium.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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