Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Agents from Homeland Security secured an important victory against the Underground last weekstretch when they uncovered – and neutralized – a covert cell of the Coven operating out of the pantry at the Freedom's Beacon Community Dining Hall in Q-14 sector. As you no doubt are unaware, the Coven is the name used by those members of the Underground who are under the dangerous and erroneous impression that life on Earth was better and more fulfilling than here in the Bunker, the only utopia humankind has ever known. At the time of their arrest, these traitors were holding what appeared to be a series of lectures on a fabled earthly institution called the Bank of Murica. Rest assured, citizens, no such organization ever existed. Earthlings did not draw from an endless supply of credits provided by this fantastical Bank of Murica, nor did they happily make offerings and gifts in the form of so-called collateral and troubled asset relief to its benevolent leader, Jaypee Morgan, and his gang of friends, the institutional funds. The traitors belonging to this cell have been taken into custody and thoroughly interrogated as to the identities and whereabouts of their fellow conspirators. Interestingly, no earthly artifacts were recovered from the site despite the fact that most cells in the Coven routinely possess several.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! You won't find a better selection of steppods anywhere in the Bunker!! All our salespeople have taken Uncle Scabby's Oath of Good Conduct!! So come on down to a location nearest you!! Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
In other news, a butt checker in the cleaning station at a metro stop in T-8 sector was found unconscious and unresponsive by guardians from Defense. They had been alerted to the situation by two concerned citizens who, after having just made use of the station, desired the customary hygienic inspection of their rear ends. An autopsy will be performed to determine the cause of death, but by all accounts the unfortunate man fell down several times, shot himself with a laser pistol in the back, and subsequently drowned in one of the toilets. The incident has been ruled an accident, and no further investigation will be made. Fortunately for the two citizens who made the discovery, an off-duty butt checker was located on the platform waiting for the next train. To the great enthusiasm of the crowd, they were declared completely hygienic and given a standing ovation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Control, that judicious and caring overseer of the Bunker's economy, has recently determined that the patriotic length of a queue is twenty-five persons, no more, no less. How the good people over at Control arrived at that number is, to be frank, of no concern to you. As good citizens, when passing by a queue that is not at full capacity, it is your loyal duty to step up and add yourself to it. Likewise, if you were intending on joining a queue that is already numbering twenty-five citizens, you should leave well enough alone. No one wants to hear anyone complain that he or she does not need another chest X-ray or that they must grab a bite to eat or they will surely faint. Adhering to these guidelines is your patriotic duty. Nothing more, nothing less. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
And now for some public service announcements.
A faulty water main in X sector is causing flooding conditions in the transtube, most notably between departments 6 through 11. Citizens should be on the lookout for leaks and rushing torrents of water. Buckets are being provided free of charge in the Michael G. Grimm Plaza in X-7 sector.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
The Color of the Patriot is teel.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Agents from Homeland Security secured an important victory against the Underground last weekstretch when they uncovered – and neutralized – a covert cell of the Coven operating out of the pantry at the Freedom's Beacon Community Dining Hall in Q-14 sector. As you no doubt are unaware, the Coven is the name used by those members of the Underground who are under the dangerous and erroneous impression that life on Earth was better and more fulfilling than here in the Bunker, the only utopia humankind has ever known. At the time of their arrest, these traitors were holding what appeared to be a series of lectures on a fabled earthly institution called the Bank of Murica. Rest assured, citizens, no such organization ever existed. Earthlings did not draw from an endless supply of credits provided by this fantastical Bank of Murica, nor did they happily make offerings and gifts in the form of so-called collateral and troubled asset relief to its benevolent leader, Jaypee Morgan, and his gang of friends, the institutional funds. The traitors belonging to this cell have been taken into custody and thoroughly interrogated as to the identities and whereabouts of their fellow conspirators. Interestingly, no earthly artifacts were recovered from the site despite the fact that most cells in the Coven routinely possess several.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! You won't find a better selection of steppods anywhere in the Bunker!! All our salespeople have taken Uncle Scabby's Oath of Good Conduct!! So come on down to a location nearest you!! Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
In other news, a butt checker in the cleaning station at a metro stop in T-8 sector was found unconscious and unresponsive by guardians from Defense. They had been alerted to the situation by two concerned citizens who, after having just made use of the station, desired the customary hygienic inspection of their rear ends. An autopsy will be performed to determine the cause of death, but by all accounts the unfortunate man fell down several times, shot himself with a laser pistol in the back, and subsequently drowned in one of the toilets. The incident has been ruled an accident, and no further investigation will be made. Fortunately for the two citizens who made the discovery, an off-duty butt checker was located on the platform waiting for the next train. To the great enthusiasm of the crowd, they were declared completely hygienic and given a standing ovation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Control, that judicious and caring overseer of the Bunker's economy, has recently determined that the patriotic length of a queue is twenty-five persons, no more, no less. How the good people over at Control arrived at that number is, to be frank, of no concern to you. As good citizens, when passing by a queue that is not at full capacity, it is your loyal duty to step up and add yourself to it. Likewise, if you were intending on joining a queue that is already numbering twenty-five citizens, you should leave well enough alone. No one wants to hear anyone complain that he or she does not need another chest X-ray or that they must grab a bite to eat or they will surely faint. Adhering to these guidelines is your patriotic duty. Nothing more, nothing less. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
And now for some public service announcements.
A faulty water main in X sector is causing flooding conditions in the transtube, most notably between departments 6 through 11. Citizens should be on the lookout for leaks and rushing torrents of water. Buckets are being provided free of charge in the Michael G. Grimm Plaza in X-7 sector.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
The Color of the Patriot is teel.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
No comments have been added yet.
