Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

Instead of our top stories this weekstretch, we at Today's Edition have decided to fulfill our patriotic duty and pay tribute to some of the Bunker's fallen warriors, loyal citizens who were struck down in their prime by traitors and social deviants. The men and women over at Control – those wise and caring coordinators of the Bunker's economy and the strictest guardians against environmental excess – have been forced against their will to engage these dangerous miscreants, cowardly hiding in our very midst. Their efforts, supported by our own, have proved a complete success. Today, we stand on the verge of total victory against the forces of darkness and despair. As wearying as the struggle may seem, let the burden be eased and our hearts uplifted by the certain knowledge that shortly, a new era of peace and harmony will dawn in our corridors and reign there forever.

Until that daystretch, however, we must remain steadfast in our resolve and vigilant in the execution of our duties. That some of us must give up our lives even as we stand on the very cusp of salvation is an unfortunate reality, and one that we do not take lightly. That is why we seek to honor the fallen, that we may remember those of our friends and neighbors – servants of all that is good and wholesome – who have made the ultimate sacrifice in the struggle against the treacherous forces of evil.

First, we would like to bring to your attention the case of Josselyn Tux, that valiant trash collector in P&L's Recycling and Reclamation division. She was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after uncovering a terrible plot to prevent citizens in C and D sectors from throwing away their garbage. Imagine the unsanitary conditions that would have prevailed! Consider the awful smell! Citizen Josselyn is an example to us all. Unfortunately, a mere three daystretches after the award, her body was found mangled and in pieces, apparently pushed into the trash compactor.

Then there is the case of Pablo Iannotti, once the Bunker's dutiful servant in Central Management's Filing and Sorting division. He was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after he singlehandedly spoiled an ongoing conspiracy to sabotage the official forms made available to citizens everywhere on their portal on X.net. These forms looked and read like the originals, but upon submission the malware secretly contained within maliciously erased the entries. Filing and Sorting would have been inundated with blank, useless forms! The administrative apparatus would have ground to a halt! Citizen Pablo is no doubt an example to us all. Unfortunately, a mere daystretch after his award, citizen Pablo experienced a bout of catastrophic organ failure, induced by a designer poison slipped unbeknownst to him into his afternoon meal.

Lastly, we should not neglect to mention citizen Alice Vanderdildo, a expert in unrestricted grammars in Developmental Engineering's Computational Intelligence division. She was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after she deduced – and subsequently proved in a brilliant scientific paper – that for every treasonous behavior, there exists a non-deterministic correcting machine capable of negating it. Citizen Alice serves as an example to us all. Unfortunately, several hourstretches after her award, she disappeared without a trace on her way to pay a visit to a colleague, the Bunker's leading expert in superacids.

Thank you for your careful attention as we have paid homage to a few of the Bunker's unsung heroes. Due to the solemn nature of this weekstretch's installment of Today's Edition, there will be no paid advertisements or public announcements of any kind. We feel their presence would be entirely inappropriate, not to mention in bad taste.

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Fifteen Minutes of Fame is Control's special reward for those of us who have performed some daring service in the battle against social deviancy or otherwise gone above and beyond the normal call of duty. The Bunker has hundreds of thousands of inhabitants. It is therefore not always possible to celebrate each and every example of personal bravery. Still, even if you feel that you have been unduly overlooked, it is no reason to resent your neighbor when he or she is selected for this cherished form of public recognition. Jealousy has no place in a loyal citizen's thoughts, especially for someone held out to the rest of us as a shining example of honor and virtue. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

The Color of the Patriot is tempting.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

---------------------

Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.