Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizen Hillary Binzer, a field organizer in H&C and Epsilon-clearance citizen, stands accused by her supervisor, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, of willful destruction of evidence. The charges stem from the discovery of a suspicious and no doubt illegal tunnel in a disused shopping mall in H-11 sector. Several weekstretches ago, citizen Marsha directed her underling, citizen Hillary, and her team to dismantle the structure to make room for a new and badly needed shopping mall. After chasing out the surprised vendors and a hoard of stray shoppers, the tunnel was eventually uncovered behind a well-stocked vending machine and – much to everyone's horror – a poster of that fiendish master criminal, Barney Max. Unfortunately, further investigation of the mysterious tunnel and where it leads is no longer possible, as its entrance was subsequently destroyed by citizen Hillary and her team. The citizens in question have been taken into custody. Highly skilled agents are currently extracting verifiable and entirely truthful confessions from them. Willful collusion with traitors has not been ruled out and may yet be added to the indictment. Citizen Marsha Wong, currently under investigation by Homeland Security for ordering the destruction of a suspicious and illegal tunnel in H-11 sector, is known to be hiding out in a Homeland Security interrogation chamber and therefore unavailable for comment.
In other news, several highly trusted citizens in A-1 sector were exposed to the harsh atmospheric conditions which prevail beyond the safety of our corridors after a portion of the Benjamin Netanyahu Plaza unexpectedly collapsed. Several highly trusted and extremely valuable Beta clearance citizens were lost to the disaster. Thurgood Nelson, Alpha clearance citizen and Grand Ayatollah of the Developmental Engineering conglomerate, nearly fell victim as well. Fortunately, he happened to be standing just outside the plaza near the emergency air lock activation console. Convinced that this was no accident, citizen Thurgood has since been out criss-crossing the Bunker, expounding to captivated audiences everywhere that the planetary conditions outside pose an existential threat to the Bunker. “Rather than seek to placate the forces of Nature, we should instead uproot and destroy them!” Citizen Thurgood's speeches have been unequivocally met with thunderous applause.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Simpson's Ear Warmers! Our extremely trademarked and highly litigated sleeves fit snugly over your ears and protect them from the terrible discomforts of slight breezes and other people's breath! Simpson's Ear Warmers! Available at an informercial nearest you.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Your Card contains all your credits and is therefore one of your most valuable possessions. So why not treat it that way? Van der Leffer's Specially Primed Tonic has been engineered by the Bunker's top experts in the exciting field of Card Hygiene and is guaranteed to keep that shiny, dependable surface free of germs and bacteria. How many people have handled your Card today? Van der Leffer's Specially Primed Tonic. “If you're not careful, your Card could kill you.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? One of the perks reserved for Delta-clearance citizens and above is the use of certain vehicles, such as steppods and scooters. Operators of these convenient and ingenious devices must obey speed limits and are strictly forbidden from entering the transtube. Be that as it may, they move considerably faster than unaided human traffic. Citizens are reminded that the Bunker's corridors serve everyone, from our most venerated workers without a security clearance all the way up the chain to the very Alphas themselves. When you hear a movepod approaching, you are kindly requested to make room for it to pass. Throwing oneself under the wheels of a scooter out of spite is not only selfish and disloyal behavior but is an act likely to earn you a fine, jail sentence, or behavior guide. Remember, part of living together is getting along together! That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a temporary shortage of beryllium, fluorescent lamps will no longer be available for sale in supermarkets, vending machines, or other outlets. In addition, foundry assistants and iron-ore furnaces in P&L producing ballistic missiles, siding for satellites and quibbles, and similar components for our aerospace industries may encounter difficulty obtaining the raw materials required for their production lines. Existing work quotas will, however, remain in effect. Citizens are reminded they are expected to be resourceful (as well as law abiding) in the face of adversity.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Jetty Cleaning Station Cleansers! Who else will mop up your poop if you won't?
The Color of the Patriot is happy.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizen Hillary Binzer, a field organizer in H&C and Epsilon-clearance citizen, stands accused by her supervisor, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, of willful destruction of evidence. The charges stem from the discovery of a suspicious and no doubt illegal tunnel in a disused shopping mall in H-11 sector. Several weekstretches ago, citizen Marsha directed her underling, citizen Hillary, and her team to dismantle the structure to make room for a new and badly needed shopping mall. After chasing out the surprised vendors and a hoard of stray shoppers, the tunnel was eventually uncovered behind a well-stocked vending machine and – much to everyone's horror – a poster of that fiendish master criminal, Barney Max. Unfortunately, further investigation of the mysterious tunnel and where it leads is no longer possible, as its entrance was subsequently destroyed by citizen Hillary and her team. The citizens in question have been taken into custody. Highly skilled agents are currently extracting verifiable and entirely truthful confessions from them. Willful collusion with traitors has not been ruled out and may yet be added to the indictment. Citizen Marsha Wong, currently under investigation by Homeland Security for ordering the destruction of a suspicious and illegal tunnel in H-11 sector, is known to be hiding out in a Homeland Security interrogation chamber and therefore unavailable for comment.
In other news, several highly trusted citizens in A-1 sector were exposed to the harsh atmospheric conditions which prevail beyond the safety of our corridors after a portion of the Benjamin Netanyahu Plaza unexpectedly collapsed. Several highly trusted and extremely valuable Beta clearance citizens were lost to the disaster. Thurgood Nelson, Alpha clearance citizen and Grand Ayatollah of the Developmental Engineering conglomerate, nearly fell victim as well. Fortunately, he happened to be standing just outside the plaza near the emergency air lock activation console. Convinced that this was no accident, citizen Thurgood has since been out criss-crossing the Bunker, expounding to captivated audiences everywhere that the planetary conditions outside pose an existential threat to the Bunker. “Rather than seek to placate the forces of Nature, we should instead uproot and destroy them!” Citizen Thurgood's speeches have been unequivocally met with thunderous applause.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Simpson's Ear Warmers! Our extremely trademarked and highly litigated sleeves fit snugly over your ears and protect them from the terrible discomforts of slight breezes and other people's breath! Simpson's Ear Warmers! Available at an informercial nearest you.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Your Card contains all your credits and is therefore one of your most valuable possessions. So why not treat it that way? Van der Leffer's Specially Primed Tonic has been engineered by the Bunker's top experts in the exciting field of Card Hygiene and is guaranteed to keep that shiny, dependable surface free of germs and bacteria. How many people have handled your Card today? Van der Leffer's Specially Primed Tonic. “If you're not careful, your Card could kill you.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? One of the perks reserved for Delta-clearance citizens and above is the use of certain vehicles, such as steppods and scooters. Operators of these convenient and ingenious devices must obey speed limits and are strictly forbidden from entering the transtube. Be that as it may, they move considerably faster than unaided human traffic. Citizens are reminded that the Bunker's corridors serve everyone, from our most venerated workers without a security clearance all the way up the chain to the very Alphas themselves. When you hear a movepod approaching, you are kindly requested to make room for it to pass. Throwing oneself under the wheels of a scooter out of spite is not only selfish and disloyal behavior but is an act likely to earn you a fine, jail sentence, or behavior guide. Remember, part of living together is getting along together! That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a temporary shortage of beryllium, fluorescent lamps will no longer be available for sale in supermarkets, vending machines, or other outlets. In addition, foundry assistants and iron-ore furnaces in P&L producing ballistic missiles, siding for satellites and quibbles, and similar components for our aerospace industries may encounter difficulty obtaining the raw materials required for their production lines. Existing work quotas will, however, remain in effect. Citizens are reminded they are expected to be resourceful (as well as law abiding) in the face of adversity.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Jetty Cleaning Station Cleansers! Who else will mop up your poop if you won't?
The Color of the Patriot is happy.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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