Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TRAITORS TAKE OVER TODAY'S EDITION NEWSROOM! Over the past nine weekstretches, two sly but clearly incapable terrorists by the name of Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, both of H-11 sector, have been broadcasting false news reports to the rest of the Bunker. Passing off their pathetic and inappropriate content under the unregistered brand Your Edition Today! it is still unclear what exactly their devious goal could have been. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could inflict any real damage upon the public consciousness. Careful analysis of their dispatches reveals they made repeated referrals to some fanciful, existential crisis facing the Bunker as well as a supposed uptick in terrorist activity. Almost as reprehensible, they also neglected to pass on useful, informative messages from the Bunker's many private firms. These lonely, economic crusaders struggle daily to provide you with quality products backed by excellent service. Good citizens everywhere, as you well know, the terrorist threat is on the verge of extinction! There aren't enough of them left to cause a crisis, never mind threaten our happy existence. Fortunately, the situation at the Today's Edition newsroom has returned to normal. If you are experiencing a prolonged sense of alarm or urgency caused by the deviationism characterized by these rogue broadcasts, you are advised to report to the nearest medical clinic for medication. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHAT WOULD CARLTON SMICKETT SAY? RETIRED INDEFINITELY! There are many culturally enriching vidshows and documentaries to watch on the tube. But – despite the best efforts of talented researchers over at Developmental Engineering – there are only a limited number of slots available in a single daystretch. Although commonly praised as a “superlatively fresh take on common decency”, and “a combination of staggering honesty and transfixing morality”, as well as “the best reason to miss naptime since Sedeterol”, the program managers over at Human Resources felt the moment had finally arrived to make room for feeds more relevant to today's unique perspective on abject normalcy. That's why from now on viewers accustomed to What Would Carlton Smickett Say? will instead be enchanted with that critically acclaimed, heartfelt commentary on the nature of being human, My Helpbot Smells Like Air Freshener. Citizens, even though the debut has yet to air, you should know that the members of the focus group challenged with rating this sitcom were literally falling all over themselves to heap approbation on this new, award-winning, hard-hitting social commentary. Don't miss out!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Poopchat! How else will you be able to discuss with your friends and family what you had to eat last nightstretch? Visit us on X.net today! Disclaimer: Poopchat! cannot be held liable for the commentary of its individual users. Unauthorized reproduction of the Poopchat! logo, brand name, or alleged statements by our Marketing Department, in whole or in part, express or implied, will be ruthlessly pursued to the highest of authorities. Remember: we have more credits than you ever will.
DEAR EDITOR COLUMN INTRODUCED TO GREAT FANFARE! Finally, over here at the Public Diplomacy division of Human Resources, we believe that YOU – our readers – are central to our success. We can easily recite a summary of the most recent events in the Bunker, but we also know that the news is more than a simple litany of facts. We want to find out what you're all about so we can tailor our content to fit your unique set of interests. Do you prefer thick or thin fibers in carpeting? Do you enjoy the mood music played for your benefit in the metro cars? Should Grisha Yelagin – that manly star of your favorite sitcom, Control Knows Best – sleep with Nuan Dee before poisoning her son with ribotoxin or pass up a golden opportunity to ensnare yet more traitors? Now you have an opportunity to voice an opinion! Simply shoot an email over to our editors and let us know what you're thinking. Be sure to include your name, department, and most update-to-date criminal record. From now on, each dispatch of Today's Edition will include a response to the most poignant and relevant of your concerns.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TRAITORS TAKE OVER TODAY'S EDITION NEWSROOM! Over the past nine weekstretches, two sly but clearly incapable terrorists by the name of Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, both of H-11 sector, have been broadcasting false news reports to the rest of the Bunker. Passing off their pathetic and inappropriate content under the unregistered brand Your Edition Today! it is still unclear what exactly their devious goal could have been. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could inflict any real damage upon the public consciousness. Careful analysis of their dispatches reveals they made repeated referrals to some fanciful, existential crisis facing the Bunker as well as a supposed uptick in terrorist activity. Almost as reprehensible, they also neglected to pass on useful, informative messages from the Bunker's many private firms. These lonely, economic crusaders struggle daily to provide you with quality products backed by excellent service. Good citizens everywhere, as you well know, the terrorist threat is on the verge of extinction! There aren't enough of them left to cause a crisis, never mind threaten our happy existence. Fortunately, the situation at the Today's Edition newsroom has returned to normal. If you are experiencing a prolonged sense of alarm or urgency caused by the deviationism characterized by these rogue broadcasts, you are advised to report to the nearest medical clinic for medication. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHAT WOULD CARLTON SMICKETT SAY? RETIRED INDEFINITELY! There are many culturally enriching vidshows and documentaries to watch on the tube. But – despite the best efforts of talented researchers over at Developmental Engineering – there are only a limited number of slots available in a single daystretch. Although commonly praised as a “superlatively fresh take on common decency”, and “a combination of staggering honesty and transfixing morality”, as well as “the best reason to miss naptime since Sedeterol”, the program managers over at Human Resources felt the moment had finally arrived to make room for feeds more relevant to today's unique perspective on abject normalcy. That's why from now on viewers accustomed to What Would Carlton Smickett Say? will instead be enchanted with that critically acclaimed, heartfelt commentary on the nature of being human, My Helpbot Smells Like Air Freshener. Citizens, even though the debut has yet to air, you should know that the members of the focus group challenged with rating this sitcom were literally falling all over themselves to heap approbation on this new, award-winning, hard-hitting social commentary. Don't miss out!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Poopchat! How else will you be able to discuss with your friends and family what you had to eat last nightstretch? Visit us on X.net today! Disclaimer: Poopchat! cannot be held liable for the commentary of its individual users. Unauthorized reproduction of the Poopchat! logo, brand name, or alleged statements by our Marketing Department, in whole or in part, express or implied, will be ruthlessly pursued to the highest of authorities. Remember: we have more credits than you ever will.
DEAR EDITOR COLUMN INTRODUCED TO GREAT FANFARE! Finally, over here at the Public Diplomacy division of Human Resources, we believe that YOU – our readers – are central to our success. We can easily recite a summary of the most recent events in the Bunker, but we also know that the news is more than a simple litany of facts. We want to find out what you're all about so we can tailor our content to fit your unique set of interests. Do you prefer thick or thin fibers in carpeting? Do you enjoy the mood music played for your benefit in the metro cars? Should Grisha Yelagin – that manly star of your favorite sitcom, Control Knows Best – sleep with Nuan Dee before poisoning her son with ribotoxin or pass up a golden opportunity to ensnare yet more traitors? Now you have an opportunity to voice an opinion! Simply shoot an email over to our editors and let us know what you're thinking. Be sure to include your name, department, and most update-to-date criminal record. From now on, each dispatch of Today's Edition will include a response to the most poignant and relevant of your concerns.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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