Today's Edition
A fun and happy greetings to everyone out there today! This is your host, Hillary Binzer, and you're reading the latest from Your Edition Today!
Marsha Wong, normally my co-host here at Your Edition Today!, is a vile terrorist and a traitor. She will therefore no longer be joining me here in the newsroom. Unbeknownst to myself, she was passing hidden, coded messages embedded in our news dispatches to fellow conspirators throughout the Bunker. Marsha Wong, you worked to aid and abet the forces of evil and chaos striking at the very heart of our freedom-loving and benevolent utopia. You may have managed to worm your way into my confidence, but your devious tongue will soon be silenced forever. This is, of course, the unenviable fate of every traitor, without exception.
Indeed, in the past weekstretch alone, Homeland Security has scored a number of important victories against the ever-growing terrorist threat, including the arrest and termination of a mole in the bomb squad, citizen Marhammud Kali Al-Imiz of I-15 sector. How exactly someone with a name like that could have operated for so long without attracting suspicion is a matter currently under investigation. Several of his squadmates have already been taken into custody for questioning.
Let us take a stretch to pay homage to the fabulous men and women over at Homeland Security who keep us secure. We should never forget them. Their interrogation chambers are literally overflowing with evil-doers and social deviants of all stripes who would otherwise be free to execute their odious plots to disrupt our public life and sap our morale. Our corridors and community dining halls are undoubtedly much safer.
Some citizens resent the complete and invasive surveillance required to keep us out of harm's way. Some citizens believe it is perfectly acceptable for others to voice this opinion even if they do not themselves share it. But citizens, remember: anyone with an alleged need for so-called privacy is clearly doing something he or she shouldn't and is a menace.
If you are not engaged in any illegal activities, it should not bother you that agents from Homeland Security are watching you sleep or having a hygiene inspection on your way out of the cleaning station. After all, many of us snore or drool at night. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We all have two butt cheeks, too. If there isn't a concussion grenade stuffed up your anal cavity, why object to a bit of preventative monitoring while you wipe them clean?
However, eager to show its sensitivity to our feelings and demonstrate its propensity for compassion, the boys over at Control have issued revised guidelines on the use of the surveillance streaming in from all corners of the Bunker. They have done this even though human eyes rarely ever see this raw data. The automated systems that sort through it are, of course, completely incapable of making personal judgements. Your helpbot might seem like it loves you and is dedicated to your wellbeing, but in reality it is just programmed that way. Cybots do not have opinions of their own.
In any case, all raw data from surveillance feeds will now be held by a private firm associated with Homeland Security. Agents will henceforth have to request access to it via an internal committee formed of their colleagues. This internal committee is by no means a rubber-stamp institution and will abide by strict rules meant to foster trust and faith in the forces of Justice and Good. These rules are, of course, beyond your security clearance (as is the name of the private firm), but rest assured that they were formulated with the utmost concern for your privacy and will be obeyed at all costs.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
Marsha Wong, normally my co-host here at Your Edition Today!, is a vile terrorist and a traitor. She will therefore no longer be joining me here in the newsroom. Unbeknownst to myself, she was passing hidden, coded messages embedded in our news dispatches to fellow conspirators throughout the Bunker. Marsha Wong, you worked to aid and abet the forces of evil and chaos striking at the very heart of our freedom-loving and benevolent utopia. You may have managed to worm your way into my confidence, but your devious tongue will soon be silenced forever. This is, of course, the unenviable fate of every traitor, without exception.
Indeed, in the past weekstretch alone, Homeland Security has scored a number of important victories against the ever-growing terrorist threat, including the arrest and termination of a mole in the bomb squad, citizen Marhammud Kali Al-Imiz of I-15 sector. How exactly someone with a name like that could have operated for so long without attracting suspicion is a matter currently under investigation. Several of his squadmates have already been taken into custody for questioning.
Let us take a stretch to pay homage to the fabulous men and women over at Homeland Security who keep us secure. We should never forget them. Their interrogation chambers are literally overflowing with evil-doers and social deviants of all stripes who would otherwise be free to execute their odious plots to disrupt our public life and sap our morale. Our corridors and community dining halls are undoubtedly much safer.
Some citizens resent the complete and invasive surveillance required to keep us out of harm's way. Some citizens believe it is perfectly acceptable for others to voice this opinion even if they do not themselves share it. But citizens, remember: anyone with an alleged need for so-called privacy is clearly doing something he or she shouldn't and is a menace.
If you are not engaged in any illegal activities, it should not bother you that agents from Homeland Security are watching you sleep or having a hygiene inspection on your way out of the cleaning station. After all, many of us snore or drool at night. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We all have two butt cheeks, too. If there isn't a concussion grenade stuffed up your anal cavity, why object to a bit of preventative monitoring while you wipe them clean?
However, eager to show its sensitivity to our feelings and demonstrate its propensity for compassion, the boys over at Control have issued revised guidelines on the use of the surveillance streaming in from all corners of the Bunker. They have done this even though human eyes rarely ever see this raw data. The automated systems that sort through it are, of course, completely incapable of making personal judgements. Your helpbot might seem like it loves you and is dedicated to your wellbeing, but in reality it is just programmed that way. Cybots do not have opinions of their own.
In any case, all raw data from surveillance feeds will now be held by a private firm associated with Homeland Security. Agents will henceforth have to request access to it via an internal committee formed of their colleagues. This internal committee is by no means a rubber-stamp institution and will abide by strict rules meant to foster trust and faith in the forces of Justice and Good. These rules are, of course, beyond your security clearance (as is the name of the private firm), but rest assured that they were formulated with the utmost concern for your privacy and will be obeyed at all costs.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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