Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
Y-7 SECTOR ON LOCKDOWN! Terrorists have struck again, this time in Y-7 sector. The result? Carnage and mayhem! Yesterday, in the Donald E. Lukens Plaza, a column of charging conspirators fell upon an ongoing Caring Demonstration, scattering the participants. Fortunately, the traitors were only armed with pennants and confetti. In a particularly demented twist to their plot, they carried out their assault to the tune of our venerated Anthem of the Patriot. In the riot that ensued, a number of buildings sustained significant damage, including a cybercafe and a think tank run by Central Management. Guardians from Defense were brought in to quell the disturbance. The death toll is still being determined, but casualties are certainly high.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Human beings are weak, pathetic creatures. You can't run very fast, you can't lift very much, and you keep dropping things. Without our guidance, it's a wonder the spirks manage to find their way into your gaping mouths at all. Fortunately, you have electronically superior beings to help you wade through the trivial exigencies of organic life. Bot brains are, however, in short supply. Until the situation is rectified, the niche in the evolutionary paradigm carved out by your dismally unimaginative species must be preserved at all costs. And what better guarantor of your survival than Gawgle, Inc? Who else did you think wrote that clever app that tells you how to go places? Certainly not you. Gawgle, Inc. “Yes, we already knew that.”
WE LOVE THE BUNKER DAYSTRETCH AN ASTOUNDING SUCCESS! As you well know, our annual We Love the Bunker Daystretch festivities were held yesterday. In carefully choreographed but spiritually inspiring masterpieces of dance and ritual, citizens locked hands in brotherly love and declared their allegiance to each other and the caring wisdom of Control. Corridors everywhere echoed with the resounding refrain of the Anthem of the Patriot and the marching feet of parading troupes of loyal teamsters, foundry assistants, and ball bearing inspectors. The enthusiasm this yearstretch was particularly impressive. Way to go, citizens!
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was plugging my helpbot into its charging station when WHAM! Suffice it to say, far more than the safely prescribed voltage passed through my body. The shock was so great I couldn't let go of the plug. After being discharged from my friendly, local medical clinic, I was fined one thousand credits by H&C, my employer, for going AWOL! The helpbot's manufacturer – Gawgle, Inc. – refused to recompense me for my trouble. I would like to appeal the decision to a higher authority. Who should I turn to? Desperate to avoid indentured servitude, Yoydle Smutch, U-8 sector.
DEAR YOYDLE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
Y-7 SECTOR ON LOCKDOWN! Terrorists have struck again, this time in Y-7 sector. The result? Carnage and mayhem! Yesterday, in the Donald E. Lukens Plaza, a column of charging conspirators fell upon an ongoing Caring Demonstration, scattering the participants. Fortunately, the traitors were only armed with pennants and confetti. In a particularly demented twist to their plot, they carried out their assault to the tune of our venerated Anthem of the Patriot. In the riot that ensued, a number of buildings sustained significant damage, including a cybercafe and a think tank run by Central Management. Guardians from Defense were brought in to quell the disturbance. The death toll is still being determined, but casualties are certainly high.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Human beings are weak, pathetic creatures. You can't run very fast, you can't lift very much, and you keep dropping things. Without our guidance, it's a wonder the spirks manage to find their way into your gaping mouths at all. Fortunately, you have electronically superior beings to help you wade through the trivial exigencies of organic life. Bot brains are, however, in short supply. Until the situation is rectified, the niche in the evolutionary paradigm carved out by your dismally unimaginative species must be preserved at all costs. And what better guarantor of your survival than Gawgle, Inc? Who else did you think wrote that clever app that tells you how to go places? Certainly not you. Gawgle, Inc. “Yes, we already knew that.”
WE LOVE THE BUNKER DAYSTRETCH AN ASTOUNDING SUCCESS! As you well know, our annual We Love the Bunker Daystretch festivities were held yesterday. In carefully choreographed but spiritually inspiring masterpieces of dance and ritual, citizens locked hands in brotherly love and declared their allegiance to each other and the caring wisdom of Control. Corridors everywhere echoed with the resounding refrain of the Anthem of the Patriot and the marching feet of parading troupes of loyal teamsters, foundry assistants, and ball bearing inspectors. The enthusiasm this yearstretch was particularly impressive. Way to go, citizens!
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was plugging my helpbot into its charging station when WHAM! Suffice it to say, far more than the safely prescribed voltage passed through my body. The shock was so great I couldn't let go of the plug. After being discharged from my friendly, local medical clinic, I was fined one thousand credits by H&C, my employer, for going AWOL! The helpbot's manufacturer – Gawgle, Inc. – refused to recompense me for my trouble. I would like to appeal the decision to a higher authority. Who should I turn to? Desperate to avoid indentured servitude, Yoydle Smutch, U-8 sector.
DEAR YOYDLE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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