Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
BLACK FLAVOR RELEASED TO WIDE ACCLAIM! That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The drink at your local commissary will soon be supplemented with Black Flavor, a new and exciting taste developed in conjunction with experts over at Developmental Engineering. Everybody loves it, and we're sure you will, too. Tap here to see a feed of Jasmin Black seductively licking some out of a young girl's bellybutton.
S-12 SECTOR TEMPORARILY DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE! Due to regularly scheduled repairs to the insulation, the entirety of S-12 sector has been closed off until further notice. Anyone caught trespassing will be treated with the utmost severity. Those desperate citizens who insist they live there and were not aware of the closure should have paid attention to the announcements in next weekstretch's edition of the Loyalty Stretch and have only themselves to blame.
And now a word from our sponsors!
When you were younger, the boys would risk Marks of Shame to get into your jumpsuit. True, you had to spend some time training them, but your sexual disappointments could rarely be attributed to a lack of enthusiasm. And now? You feel middle-aged and underused. Even worse, the usual alternatives aren't appealing. There's something not quite right about the fabricated scent of sweat in the VR deck. Fortunately, dedicated specialists at The Right Touch, Ltd. have developed Cupid's Delight with you in mind! This strap-on accessory fits nicely over your clitoris. No one will even know you're wearing it! Cupid's Delight is guaranteed to take you back to those dizzying heights of ecstacy you remember from your youth. Both battery- and remote-controlled models available. Cupid's Delight. “Love doesn't have to be so tedious.”
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG FREE AT LAST! Once again, the forces of Good and Righteousness have proven victorious. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were released early yesterday from the labor camp on the planetary surface where they had been wrongfully confined. These two loyal souls were accused of commandeering the recording studio of Today's Edition – this very newsroom! – to spread lies and fallacies and otherwise further the terrorist cause. However, after the intervention of that tireless patriot and celebrity manager, Beta-clearance citizen Milfred Roth, it quickly became apparent that the perpetrators were actually clones. In a surprising twist to this story, the sinister mastermind behind this nefarious plot was actually a prisoner interned at the very same labor camp as the unfortunate victims and has been terminated. More details on this story will not be forthcoming.
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was at Mucia's Elegant Delights – which everyone knows serves outstanding and highly rated crepes – patiently standing in line while the patron in front argued endlessly with the server about the quality of the Vitamim. When he left and it was finally my turn at the counter, the person behind me brutally stabbed me in the calf with a rusty shiv. While I was howling on the floor, spouting blood, the perpetrator calmly stepped over me and was promptly served. I managed to get out my PA and record my assailant as she retreated, hurriedly scooping up Vitamim from one of Mucia's elegant cardboard cups before it got soggy, but unfortunately in my agony I didn't get a visual. Even though I was stitched up free of charge at the Blissful Whispers medical clinic, I still desire justice. Surely, the security cameras inside Mucia's Elegant Delights recorded the entire fiasco. Is there any way to obtain the feed? Mansueto Yldefonso A-9 sector.
DEAR MANSUETO, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
DEAR EDITOR, Now that they've closed off my home department, I've got no place to go and nowhere to sleep. What do I do? Oyunbileg Gombodorj S-12 sector.
DEAR OYUNBILEG, the Bunker is a utopia. As such, there is no such thing as homelessness. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
BLACK FLAVOR RELEASED TO WIDE ACCLAIM! That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The drink at your local commissary will soon be supplemented with Black Flavor, a new and exciting taste developed in conjunction with experts over at Developmental Engineering. Everybody loves it, and we're sure you will, too. Tap here to see a feed of Jasmin Black seductively licking some out of a young girl's bellybutton.
S-12 SECTOR TEMPORARILY DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE! Due to regularly scheduled repairs to the insulation, the entirety of S-12 sector has been closed off until further notice. Anyone caught trespassing will be treated with the utmost severity. Those desperate citizens who insist they live there and were not aware of the closure should have paid attention to the announcements in next weekstretch's edition of the Loyalty Stretch and have only themselves to blame.
And now a word from our sponsors!
When you were younger, the boys would risk Marks of Shame to get into your jumpsuit. True, you had to spend some time training them, but your sexual disappointments could rarely be attributed to a lack of enthusiasm. And now? You feel middle-aged and underused. Even worse, the usual alternatives aren't appealing. There's something not quite right about the fabricated scent of sweat in the VR deck. Fortunately, dedicated specialists at The Right Touch, Ltd. have developed Cupid's Delight with you in mind! This strap-on accessory fits nicely over your clitoris. No one will even know you're wearing it! Cupid's Delight is guaranteed to take you back to those dizzying heights of ecstacy you remember from your youth. Both battery- and remote-controlled models available. Cupid's Delight. “Love doesn't have to be so tedious.”
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG FREE AT LAST! Once again, the forces of Good and Righteousness have proven victorious. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were released early yesterday from the labor camp on the planetary surface where they had been wrongfully confined. These two loyal souls were accused of commandeering the recording studio of Today's Edition – this very newsroom! – to spread lies and fallacies and otherwise further the terrorist cause. However, after the intervention of that tireless patriot and celebrity manager, Beta-clearance citizen Milfred Roth, it quickly became apparent that the perpetrators were actually clones. In a surprising twist to this story, the sinister mastermind behind this nefarious plot was actually a prisoner interned at the very same labor camp as the unfortunate victims and has been terminated. More details on this story will not be forthcoming.
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was at Mucia's Elegant Delights – which everyone knows serves outstanding and highly rated crepes – patiently standing in line while the patron in front argued endlessly with the server about the quality of the Vitamim. When he left and it was finally my turn at the counter, the person behind me brutally stabbed me in the calf with a rusty shiv. While I was howling on the floor, spouting blood, the perpetrator calmly stepped over me and was promptly served. I managed to get out my PA and record my assailant as she retreated, hurriedly scooping up Vitamim from one of Mucia's elegant cardboard cups before it got soggy, but unfortunately in my agony I didn't get a visual. Even though I was stitched up free of charge at the Blissful Whispers medical clinic, I still desire justice. Surely, the security cameras inside Mucia's Elegant Delights recorded the entire fiasco. Is there any way to obtain the feed? Mansueto Yldefonso A-9 sector.
DEAR MANSUETO, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
DEAR EDITOR, Now that they've closed off my home department, I've got no place to go and nowhere to sleep. What do I do? Oyunbileg Gombodorj S-12 sector.
DEAR OYUNBILEG, the Bunker is a utopia. As such, there is no such thing as homelessness. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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