Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TRAITORS SABOTAGE MARTIAL GAMES! What started out as the kind of military demonstration the public so ardently craves went unexpected awry early today. The wildly popular We Are All The Same Games held in A sector – a highly anticipated tradition hosted every sixty yearstretches by Defense – was cut short just after the opening fanfare. Contingents of killbots, flybots, and tankbots armed with laser rifles and armor busters were deployed throughout the sector, ready to put on a once-in-a-lifetime display of military might, when cowardly partisans launched their wicked plot. Using malware introduced surreptitiously into the cybots' operating systems, terrorists attempted to force these mindless drones to turn their weapons upon the innocent spectators. Fortunately, the hackers were thwarted at the last possible moment and rounded up. Initial confessions indicate that these traitors are all members of that infamous club of social deviants, Tastes Like Chicken. No one was hurt, but due to the evolving security situation the patriotic picnic featuring free tins of Algatine and bags of PermaChunky normally held at the end of the games was cancelled. No further threat is anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Catchers and Lechers. Do a couple of deadbeats owe you money? Tired of getting the runaround? Call us over at Catchers and Lechers. You'll get your money back, and we'll get our rocks off. Catchers and Lechers. “We make a generous contribution to society.”
MACHINE TOOLER EXHIBITION IN X-3 SECTOR! Show your support for your local Machine Toolers! Without these hard-working lads and ladies, there wouldn't be any panelling in the Bunker's corridors or little bits of stain-removing lead in your toothpaste. Come and see the latest designs of the trade, including gear shapers, drill presses, and bone stretchers. Look but don't touch!
NEW GUIDELINES FOR FACIAL HAIR! Due to problems caused by excessive clogging in some of the Bunker's drainage pipes, Control has issued new guidelines for beards, moustaches, and birthmarks. Until further notice, facial hair of citizens in X, I, and P sectors has been restricted to not more one hundred thousand nanometers. As the magnitude of the number clearly indicates, this is a very generous length. Anyone held in violation of these updated guidelines will be held down and shaved on the spot. Thank you for your cooperation.
DEAR EDITOR, I am an Epsilon clearance citizen with my own private cubicle in Dormitory #7. There are forty of us living there. Like any patriotic citizen, I do my best to get along with all my bunkmates. But one of my immediate neighbors, Rebecca Katz, really gets on my nerves. So, the other daystretch she was tagged by the hygiene inspector because her toenails were too long and her sheets weren't tucked in properly. She was taken away, and no one is sure when she's coming back. My question is: how long before I can start going through her stuff? The General Guidelines on Personal and Public Property are really long and hard to understand. I certainly don't want to get in trouble, but I also don't see any reason why that stupid sap Ingrid Russet should get her collection of colored pendants or that radical set of cheater's playing cards. Looking for legal advice, Thandiwe Mkhize S-6 sector.
DEAR THANDIWE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TRAITORS SABOTAGE MARTIAL GAMES! What started out as the kind of military demonstration the public so ardently craves went unexpected awry early today. The wildly popular We Are All The Same Games held in A sector – a highly anticipated tradition hosted every sixty yearstretches by Defense – was cut short just after the opening fanfare. Contingents of killbots, flybots, and tankbots armed with laser rifles and armor busters were deployed throughout the sector, ready to put on a once-in-a-lifetime display of military might, when cowardly partisans launched their wicked plot. Using malware introduced surreptitiously into the cybots' operating systems, terrorists attempted to force these mindless drones to turn their weapons upon the innocent spectators. Fortunately, the hackers were thwarted at the last possible moment and rounded up. Initial confessions indicate that these traitors are all members of that infamous club of social deviants, Tastes Like Chicken. No one was hurt, but due to the evolving security situation the patriotic picnic featuring free tins of Algatine and bags of PermaChunky normally held at the end of the games was cancelled. No further threat is anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Catchers and Lechers. Do a couple of deadbeats owe you money? Tired of getting the runaround? Call us over at Catchers and Lechers. You'll get your money back, and we'll get our rocks off. Catchers and Lechers. “We make a generous contribution to society.”
MACHINE TOOLER EXHIBITION IN X-3 SECTOR! Show your support for your local Machine Toolers! Without these hard-working lads and ladies, there wouldn't be any panelling in the Bunker's corridors or little bits of stain-removing lead in your toothpaste. Come and see the latest designs of the trade, including gear shapers, drill presses, and bone stretchers. Look but don't touch!
NEW GUIDELINES FOR FACIAL HAIR! Due to problems caused by excessive clogging in some of the Bunker's drainage pipes, Control has issued new guidelines for beards, moustaches, and birthmarks. Until further notice, facial hair of citizens in X, I, and P sectors has been restricted to not more one hundred thousand nanometers. As the magnitude of the number clearly indicates, this is a very generous length. Anyone held in violation of these updated guidelines will be held down and shaved on the spot. Thank you for your cooperation.
DEAR EDITOR, I am an Epsilon clearance citizen with my own private cubicle in Dormitory #7. There are forty of us living there. Like any patriotic citizen, I do my best to get along with all my bunkmates. But one of my immediate neighbors, Rebecca Katz, really gets on my nerves. So, the other daystretch she was tagged by the hygiene inspector because her toenails were too long and her sheets weren't tucked in properly. She was taken away, and no one is sure when she's coming back. My question is: how long before I can start going through her stuff? The General Guidelines on Personal and Public Property are really long and hard to understand. I certainly don't want to get in trouble, but I also don't see any reason why that stupid sap Ingrid Russet should get her collection of colored pendants or that radical set of cheater's playing cards. Looking for legal advice, Thandiwe Mkhize S-6 sector.
DEAR THANDIWE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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