Very interesting article on why girls give up faster and are harder on themselves, in general, than boys:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201101/the-trouble-bright-girls

Bullying comes in so many different forms. Sometimes the most incisive, brutal, and subtle bully is that voice inside your own head. You know, the one saying, “You can’t do that” or “Don’t embarrass yourself” or “If you try that and screw up, everybody will know the truth — that you were never as really good as they thought and it’s all a big fat fraud.”

(my brother and I made a plane out of two pieces of balsa wood for our dad, who we thought might like his own private plane. We were very proud of the plane and of our wrapping job.)

“Praise effort, not results” only gets us so far, though. If you focus on how hard the kid is working, and commend that, the child learns what matters is only my sweat, my grunting, showing how much strain this is causing me — and if I don’t complete the task, well, don’t you give me credit for all that EFFORT I put in? That seems counter-productive, especially because it tends to foster an entitled, whiny, non-responsible attitude. The truth is, finishing DOES matter, and how good your final product is makes a huge difference. Making “I’m so stressed/busy/overwhelmed” the highest achievement is not what any of us really want to teach, but I think we might be doing it without realizing we are, by praising their efforts so much, as we were told to do.

“Praise process, not product” gets us a little closer — focusing on the steps to get to success (studying the spelling words or doing the homework each night; practicing the scales without worrying about will I get to Carnegie Hall; doing your stretches and showing up fully enthusiastic/prepared for practice; writing each day in a private notebook without planning/paying for publication; etc) without overburdening the whole enterprise with the need for success at every moment. But still — the kid is still turning to look into the bleachers where the moms and dads are sitting chatting, looking for that thumbs up.

They want it. They deserve it. Sometimes that little thumbs up from someone who loves you in the bleachers is the turbo that powers the kid with the shaking legs up to the plate (or mic, or test desk) and it feels so good to have someone rooting for you. I’m am so the thumbs up mom, the one whose kid will glance over to check and yup, I’m here Sweetheart! When he looks for me, I want to be there.

But maybe that’s key — when he looks for me. When he asks, am I doing okay? When he says, I’m scared — or I can’t — or how do I tackle this mountain of work? I am there for him. Not to do his work for him, but maybe to say, wow, that is a lot. Or, go get ’em! Or just have fun! 

So maybe the deciding what to praise for is asking kind of the wrong question. The tests and risks and challenges our kids take are their tests, risks, challenges — not ours. We can and certainly should praise them sometimes — tell them (boys AND girls) that they’re good people (and expect them to be) and that when they try hard, focus, stick with it, they do better, can improve — and be proud of their achievements, too. But mostly we have to keep reminding them, I think, that these challenges are theirs. These successes belong to them. So instead of jumping to is this the thing I should praise? and oh wait — which aspect of it should I praise??? Maybe the more productive thing is to ask the child about it, let them tell about it:

Wow, you’re working really hard on that project… 

What are you working on?

That seems super challenging…

What was your favorite part of being on the team this season?

How’s the studying going?

Tell me about that…

Show me how that works…

And then listen. It’s so hard to hear them complain or be sad or confused or hard on themselves. This is a parenting issue I really struggle with. It’s so tempting to buck them up immediately and say, No! You’re awesome! or to quickly step in and try to fix the problem for them (I love the new term Lawnmower Parents — have you heard about this?) — but it’s best, I think, to resist. To take those deep Lamaze breaths (that were useless in labor but so darn helpful in the years and decades afterwards) and listen.

Girls, especially the “Bright Girls” in the article above, struggle to quiet the internal condemning voice even more than boys do. (My husband and I will look in the mirror together: I find a flaw in myself that needs work; he says “Hey! Not Bad!” — and he is generally the more perfectionistic of the two of us by a lot.)

How to help them? How to bolster our kids, especially the Good Girls, the Bright Girls, who live in fear of messing up?

Let them mess up. And survive it. Not a big deal. Let messing up be an expected part of any process.

Vincent van Gogh once said, “If you hear a voice within you saying YOU CANNOT PAINT, then by all means PAINT and that voice will be silenced.”

Let them paint. And then rather than choosing whether to praise the painting or the process, ask them about it, and listen to them. It’s hugely validating, and deeply kind.

Love,

Rachel Vail