Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
GAIA REVEALED AS ELABORATE HOAX! For countless yearstretches, a loathsome, treasonous organization called The Coven has preyed upon citizens who for unknown reasons have secretly banished themselves to the fringes of society. In dark corners unattended by security cameras and their neighbors' watchful eye, these supposed “lost” souls are led to believe that the empty hole in their hearts should be filled by a spiritual fancy called Gaia rather than additional medication. Many dangerous fallacies are associated with belief in this imposter being, such as the existence of an intangible thread binding all living beings together and consciousness extending beyond the physical realm. Citizens, nothing could be further from the truth! The Bunker has taken care of all of your physical and social needs. There is nothing more to ask from life. The Coven merely wants your donations to fund its ignominious agenda of crime and social perversion. It is even more dangerous than that other disgraceful terrorist syndicate, the God and Freedom Church, which famously purports that “if every citizen had a gun, the terrorists would be in the run!” Rest assured, citizens, that Gaia is not an immortal with extraordinary powers but a mere human being. In fact, agents from Homeland Security recently arrested a woman, citizen Gaia Salinator Y-4 sector, who – after several spurious attempts to evade responsibility by claiming she was assigned the name as an infant – has admitted to being Gaia. You can view her confession here.
OUTRAGEOUS RUMORS OF SINKHOLES ABOUND IN X SECTOR! Several barracks at the bottom of X sector have seen unusual unrest over the last several daystretches as their normally loyal inhabitants refuse to enter. A spokesperson for this recalcitrant group was heard to claim that sinkholes have opened up in the floor, an impossible assertion. H&C's building crews have performed without a single error for generations on end. Only the terrorists have ever succeeded in wreaking havoc by collapsing ceilings and exposing live wires in the shower stalls of public cleaning stations. Fortunately, the spokesperson was detained before the rumors of gaping holes swallowing whole bunks in the middle of your nightstretch could intensify. Citizens, remember! Knowingly or unknowingly passing off lies as truth – even in casual conversation with your neighbor – is a crime punishable with a fine and the imposition of a word purifier and/or scrubber. There are no sinkholes at the bottom of X sector. All of its inhabitants are urged to return calmly to their bunks. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Gaia is real! Gaia is everywhere around us! She is what you stand on! She is the Eternal Mother! Gaia loves you! Open your mind – [Advertisement deleted for security reasons]
DEAR EDITOR, The column of bunks next to me fell over last nightstretch while I was sleeping and disappeared into the floor! Both my legs were broken. Fortunately, I managed to hide under my covers during the resulting riot. Eventually I got myself to a medical clinic, but the medibots refused to treat me until I provided a satisfactory explanation for my wounds! What should I tell them? Jie Huang X-11 sector.
DEAR JIE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
GAIA REVEALED AS ELABORATE HOAX! For countless yearstretches, a loathsome, treasonous organization called The Coven has preyed upon citizens who for unknown reasons have secretly banished themselves to the fringes of society. In dark corners unattended by security cameras and their neighbors' watchful eye, these supposed “lost” souls are led to believe that the empty hole in their hearts should be filled by a spiritual fancy called Gaia rather than additional medication. Many dangerous fallacies are associated with belief in this imposter being, such as the existence of an intangible thread binding all living beings together and consciousness extending beyond the physical realm. Citizens, nothing could be further from the truth! The Bunker has taken care of all of your physical and social needs. There is nothing more to ask from life. The Coven merely wants your donations to fund its ignominious agenda of crime and social perversion. It is even more dangerous than that other disgraceful terrorist syndicate, the God and Freedom Church, which famously purports that “if every citizen had a gun, the terrorists would be in the run!” Rest assured, citizens, that Gaia is not an immortal with extraordinary powers but a mere human being. In fact, agents from Homeland Security recently arrested a woman, citizen Gaia Salinator Y-4 sector, who – after several spurious attempts to evade responsibility by claiming she was assigned the name as an infant – has admitted to being Gaia. You can view her confession here.
OUTRAGEOUS RUMORS OF SINKHOLES ABOUND IN X SECTOR! Several barracks at the bottom of X sector have seen unusual unrest over the last several daystretches as their normally loyal inhabitants refuse to enter. A spokesperson for this recalcitrant group was heard to claim that sinkholes have opened up in the floor, an impossible assertion. H&C's building crews have performed without a single error for generations on end. Only the terrorists have ever succeeded in wreaking havoc by collapsing ceilings and exposing live wires in the shower stalls of public cleaning stations. Fortunately, the spokesperson was detained before the rumors of gaping holes swallowing whole bunks in the middle of your nightstretch could intensify. Citizens, remember! Knowingly or unknowingly passing off lies as truth – even in casual conversation with your neighbor – is a crime punishable with a fine and the imposition of a word purifier and/or scrubber. There are no sinkholes at the bottom of X sector. All of its inhabitants are urged to return calmly to their bunks. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Gaia is real! Gaia is everywhere around us! She is what you stand on! She is the Eternal Mother! Gaia loves you! Open your mind – [Advertisement deleted for security reasons]
DEAR EDITOR, The column of bunks next to me fell over last nightstretch while I was sleeping and disappeared into the floor! Both my legs were broken. Fortunately, I managed to hide under my covers during the resulting riot. Eventually I got myself to a medical clinic, but the medibots refused to treat me until I provided a satisfactory explanation for my wounds! What should I tell them? Jie Huang X-11 sector.
DEAR JIE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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