So I was reminiscing about college today and how ashamed I used to be that it took me ten years to graduate. My perspective has now changed, thank God! Now I’m able to admit to attending at least seven schools to get my degree, a fact I once felt so much guilt about. Wow, like the struggle wasn’t hard enough, that I had to go ahead and sprinkle self-persecution all over it. I’m thankful now to have my diagnosis, as I’m really starting to put together all the little pieces of my life that just didn’t make any sense to me prior. Some things I can even laugh about now, that once always embarrassed me. For instance, I always walk into walls. Yes I see the doorway, and yes I aim for it. Other things still baffle me like when I would stop mid-sentence while holding a very important conversation, and literally hit myself in the head for it, out of frustration. Like that was going to make something better, right?!
My getting lost constantly, and the dozens of classes I dropped out of due to just being stuck in bed consumed by headaches, consumed by body aches, nausea every morning, and just wrapped up in stress which was mostly self-hate for not being able to perform. Then the added stress of having to pay for the classes all over again. I really cannot picture one part of my day that went easily. I have a little hearing loss that gets worse when I’m overstimulated or stressed, so I had a hard time even listening. My PTSD had me sitting in the back of the class, which is a gold mine for being distracted by everything else in the classroom. The chronic fatigue had me drinking tons of energy drinks, and stabbing myself with pencils in the leg (no blood drawn or anything) just to stay awake and pay attention. I’m creating quite the list here, don’t you think?
Anyway, though the last year and a half of knowing what I’m dealing with has sucked, I’m so glad I know now and I’m able to adjust my perspective. I did spend the first nine months driving myself crazy looking for a cure and trying to crack the code on all my diagnoses. But, I feel like I’ve entered a new phase of trying to accept and learn. I’m actually proud of myself, for having the courage to love myself in the process, because it’s hard. I can slowly feel the burden of no longer trying to fit in a cookie cutter life, dissipate. Who knows, one day I may even learn to breathe on occasion, haha.
One reason I love life so much, is because from one year to the next, you just never know where you’ll be. Sometimes I wish I didn’t seek as much adventure as I get in life, and other times, I think, screw it, that’s what I’m here for, so bring it on!