Melissa Robison's Blog: Melissa Faith Robison's Blog

May 7, 2017

Wheel to the Sea

I really wanted to help. My friend, a fellow veteran, asked me to volunteer for an event where people in wheel chairs are pushed five miles through a canyon trail out the beach. This is a big event, and my buddy, who I do other volunteer work with, leads this event and I really wanted to support him, however I was just so very nervous. Yes, I exclaimed, as I began to talk myself up on being able to help a deserving disable veteran at the next event.
Before the event, I focussed on taking my vitamins, sleeping, and yoga stretches. I was excited and the nervousness lingered. The morning of the Wheel to the Sea event I meditated and set the intention to be in alignment with the universe, help others, and make friends. I buddied up with someone pushing a chair for a female disabled veteran with a super cute service dog named, Lucy. The trail was in pretty good shape, though rocky. I had good shoes on, but know I have to be really careful about where I step because a fall for me is a really big deal. The veteran asked me to take her dog Lucy, and another veteran asked me to take their older pup named Honey Bear, so I now had one pooch zigging and the other dog zagging. They were adorable and soon got in sync, trotting along next to each other. As the participant’s wheelchair got stuck in the sand or wedged on rocks I would bend down to lift the front wheels to help keep my team going. On up hills I assisted in pushing with my free hand, and tried to aid other teams as well. About a half mile in I wondered if I would make it another four and a half miles.
Last year a group reached out to me to be a wheelchair participant in a similar program. Yes I was almost the one in the wheelchair. My last wheelchair bout was just two years ago. I spent nine months in a wheelchair because of another concussion. I later relied on a walker, ended up back in the wheelchair after another surgery, again in the walker, and now I occasionally use a cane, but want to throw the cane out the window most days. Most people don’t know that about me because they only see me on my good days, and I felt like maybe I should have told someone that day, because I thought I might not make it till the end. I remembered when I considered entering an event like this a year ago, I told the program coordinator, I was now out of the wheelchair, however the doctors told me not to walk on uneven ground, and because of my other injuries I could only do short and easy hikes. The coordinator, at the time, told me that program was for people like me.
Noticing myself looking to the truck following the group, for a spare wheelchair, was now a reality, and my injuries started to really put me in serious pain. It always amazes me how many people asked me to hep them with lifting or pushing. Could’t they tell I am awaiting hip surgery, have a hard time balancing myself, or can barley make it? Well, no they can’t. You know why? Because I was smiling the whole time. How would anyone know if I did not tell them, and I continue to push on! 
The fact the hike was five miles and not only one mile, really began to mean a lot to me. This would make the victory that much greater. This will be a huge personal success for me, AND I get to help others while seeing so many smile.
Traffic stopped on the Pacific Coast Highway as over one hundred and fifty of us victoriously crossed over to our destination at the beach. The cheers and hugs were just flowing and flowing. I made it and we ALL made it. I pushed my participant over to get lunch and accidentally hit her arm into a table. Bam, all the positive thoughts about my own disabilities being at bay, came to a sudden halt. I knew I have a problem with balance and myself walk into things, so why in the world would I wheel someone around the tables, knowing my aim really stinks, and I tend to bear to the right? Geez, getting carried away in the momentum, and I made a not so great choice. Immediately checking on the veteran’s arm, and asking if she was okay, I thought about telling her I have TBI, to excuse my mistake. I opted not too. Saying sorry and checking on her well being was enough and she genuinely seemed okay. I didn’t want dwell on my symptoms. It serves me better when I focus on all the positives things I do, and express gratitude for everything around me. I helped this veteran get her lunch and she was super happy. Back to smiles, laughing, and hugs, we all soon went. Wow what a day. I felt like I now had a new family, and we all did.
That night the high of it all was profound. My head kept shaking, thinking about the capacity I served in, during this event. On the way home, I did pulled over to sleep in my car because I was too exhausted to drive, and with the rain and all the headlights, I knew my limits. The next morning when getting home, I limped on into a bath, and took sometime to reflect. Wow, Ive worked really hard on my recovery, to get myself to a place where I can once again am able to give back and help others. I recognize I’ve had many ups and downs since my first concussion twenty years ago, and I'm super proud of myself for simply staying safe yesterday. In the past, before I was aware of my diagnosis, I would not have paid attention to my anxiety, and often pushed myself too hard, causing another injury. This is a victory. A victory I will never forget. I was the person I really wanted so bad to be, each and everyday moment, during all those down concussion days. I did it. We did as a team. My friend made it all happen, though completely unaware of what I had been through, just from asking me a simple question. Each day is a gift, each relationship, and every question posed gives the opportunity to make a choice. I feel like I’m working in step with the world now, instead of fighting against it. I was victorious that day, along with everyone else there. We all did the absolute best we could. Amazed, and encourage, I will do it all again!














#Wheeltothesea #wheelchairs #TBI #Veteran #armyvets









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Published on May 07, 2017 13:34

March 16, 2017

My First Retreat with Veterans

Born in 1976, in a small town in Massachusetts, I was raised in a family of bikers, which was very much a gang like mentality. The shirt I arrived at basic training with, was an outlaws shirt that read, “Snitches Get Stitches”. My circle of friends growing up, were tight, and we called each other family. So I completely bought in to the notion of the brotherhood.
A year after high school, tired from working two full time jobs to keep a roof over my head,  I enlisted and did my best to "Be All You Can Be”, the Army’s big marketing promotion at the time.
Back in 1995, I was put into one of the very first coed basic training programs at Fort Lost in the Woods, and soon went to Air Assault School with 150 soldiers starting, 80 of us graduated, and I was the only female. I Went to the field with infantry brigades in the 101, where I was one female among a thousand guys out in the woods. I pushed boundaries and was a fighter working hard for my team night and day.
My world was shattered when I was unknowingly drugged, and forced to watch a few of my so called brothers rape me while I laid there in my own bed powerless, completely unable to move,  unable to fight back, and watching the whole thing as if it were a movie. 
For 20 yrs I became a constantly irrupting human hate machine, even getting kicked out of the hospital when seeking help at the ER. 
I laid it all on the line one weekend when I decided I would rather be completely vulnerable to a group of complete strangers, that in my mind, resembled my attackers, than to live another 20 years in hell, and nothing was going to stop me from giving my daughter another chance at having a good mother. I went to a veteran’s PTSD healing trauma retreat where I would be in the room with other male soldiers working on healing for an entire weekend. Being vulnerable in front of strangers was very difficult for me. The fact that most staff members were veterans, and the other participants were all veterans, was a very scary environment for me. This was last thing I wanted to do, but I knew I had to face my fears. I had no idea that witnessing the stories of my veteran brothers would also bring out so much compassion for my fellow vets. Being there during the healing process of the others, was a deep sharing. We all bonded and were able to trust each other, something that was hard for all of us regardless of how different our stories were from one another.
My life is now completely changed because I believed you get out what you put in, and I jumped all the way in, that motherfunking pit as fast and as deep as I could on my retreat weekend.
I knew if I wanted something I've never had, I had to do something I've never done.
I cried and cried in front of these soldiers and was comforted. I divulged things that were wrong with me, and the struggles I was going through. Then I was supported and encouraged. Ahh the breakthroughs! I was able to look these male soldiers in the eyes and really see them. See their hurts and their struggles, and offer my condolences. I was able to honor them for their service. Had I thought just days before I would ever in my life be able to do such a thing? Hell no. I cried when they cried. They cried when I cried. I walked out of that experience a changed woman. Most people can relate to the closed up feeling our body goes through when facing fear. The resistance to do something that has been so ingrained in our minds as a danger, is sometimes suffocating. The scares you live with everyday can heal over. I may not ever forget them, and rightfully so. I’ve learned a lot. To go from someone who had massive panic attacks and withdrawal just by getting a phone call from the VA, fifteen years after my discharge, to now sitting and spending time with my veteran brothers, is astounding. I actually feel comforted by a group of people I once so badly feared. 


Information on the retreat organization: http://vetsjourneyhome.org 
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Published on March 16, 2017 17:25

March 15, 2017

The Fall that Changed it All

I was probably the first soldier in history to volunteer to go to Hot Box training. Under constant simulated attack, with no sleep, little time to eat, no outside contact outside of my few team mates, yeah it sounded fun to me. It probably was more about me feeling like I had something to prove to the men in my unit, which definitely seemed to be a common theme with me. Little water and dressed in big heavy chemical warfare gear during the summer in Tennessee, I’m sure I was pretty dehydrated when five days in, I got yanked to go to Air Assault School.
Since I first heard about Air Assault School I had this romanticized vision in my head. I was told it was the most rigorous school as a female soldier I could get sent to in the Army. So not even done with my specialized training, I already put in orders to go, and that was the whole reason why I got stationed in the 101st Airborne Division. I wanted to push myself and boundaries. I had joined the Army the first year of coed basic training, and was in a field newly opened to females. So pretty much everything I set out to do was to push the envelope. I grew up having a very tough single mother that road big Fat Boy Harleys and I was a bit of a tom boy, so basically nothing scared me. I was such a thrill seeker back then, and hell, still am.
Most people train, and rest before that first morning of Air Assault School where you have to pass a 4 mile run and insane obstacle course to get in. Me on the other hand, I was just glad I had a shower first. Near the end of the day and course I passed out at the top of an obstacle, called “The Tough One” which was 30 feet tall. I fainted at the top they said. I was also told because I didn't have any rope burns on my hands, which would have indicated someone had muscle failure and slid down, that I just blacked out from fatigue. Last I remembered, I was trying to pull myself over the top beam about 3 stories up. I woke up surrounded by medics standing over me. Since I was a female and probably slower than all the guys I’m guessing I was near the end of the group. There is no instructor positioned at the beginning of an obstacle to tell you how to navigate and pass each obstacle, only one instructor at the end to tell you if you passed correctly and flag you to go on to the next. So it may have been some time before I was noticed, and I don’t know how far an ambulance would have had to come from or how long the EMT’s were standing over me. I’m guessing I was probably out for 15-20 min, at least, but not sure. Lots of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) survivors have a hard time judging how long they have been knocked unconscious. I’ve been told, it was a good thing I was unconscious for the fall because if I hadn't gone limp I would've broken my back and more. I landed on a hay barrel. I just found some current pics of the obstacle I fell off and posted them below. It looks like the Army has a better cushion for falls now, haha.
Someone asked me today if I would do it all again, and I quickly said no. I realized yesterday that I have now lived the last nineteen years with TBI and PTSD. That is half of my life. With more thoughtful consideration of the question, I honestly would have to say I would not change any of it. My life has been exactly what it was supposed to be. Yes, I have huge health problems, and spend each day wishing I was out hiking again. However, I know there is more in store for me in this life. I look back and can’t imagine if I didn’t have adversity to face. Without these struggles, I wouldn’t have to fight so hard to accomplish things in life. And that’s what builds character. Character I would not trade for one second of a pain free day, hands down. Reference: https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=...
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Published on March 15, 2017 18:33

January 1, 2017

2017 New Years Day Gratitude



I am grateful my daughter is going to a good school and has a good head on her shoulders. I am so blessed my cousin lives nearby and makes me laugh all the time. He is also supportive and I really need and appreciate this immensely. Waking up to palm trees everyday always puts a smile on my face. Thank God for the snow up on the mountain, and the abundance the cottage brings me. It really warms my heart that my kitty face, Lily, snuggles up with me. I love how cute and fuzzy she is. I am grateful for my ability to go with the flow. This has helped me pursue one of my favorite hobbies of traveling and I am so lucky to have witnessed so many cool places and experiences. 
My computer gives me the tool to connect with others, store my photos and documents, and because I use this technology often I am very grateful for this convenience. I am also grateful for my big awesome bath tub, and the time it allows me to pamper myself. I am lucky to have awesome farmers markets within walking distance with good nutritious food that brings me good health. I have access to the best water which helps me feel energized, and feel so fortunate for this resource. I have access to really good, kick ass vegan restaurants whenever I feel like getting something to eat out. I can walk to lots of restaurants and treat myself with enjoyable food and great atmosphere, and this is amazing to me. Since having access to organic food is something I strive for, I also appreciate the abundance of organic food in the several grocery stores I have in my city. Speaking of city….. I am grateful to being open to the experience of living in the city. The challenges and reward are different from anything I have previously experienced, and I love pushing my own limits to grow myself in every way possible. I’ve learned to appreciate the city lights at night , especially on the bridges. I am walking distance to the ocean and have a short drive to other really kick ass beaches with huge waves, and I love being able to release my stress at the beach and for this I am grateful. Living close to the beach feels like a necessity of my soul and I am grateful I have the opportunity to be so inline with what I feel I need and where I feel I need to live. 
My household convenances really are bountiful which make my life so very easy, allowing me to spend more time on other things. I am grateful for the enjoyable experience of making coffee, and all my different types of coffee makers. I love that my grandmother taught me how to use the french press because it makes great coffee. Im grateful that my aunt taught me how to use the Italian press because that is my favorite cup of strong coffee. I am grateful for my very quick and easy cup of coffee from my keurig:D The fact that I also have bigger coffee machines to use when friends comes over makes me very happy to offer others coffee and to share coffee with them. I am grateful for the coffee grinder my grandfather gave me from his kitchen so many years ago, as this has allowed my to have fresh ground beans and finely ground beans so I can make really good coffee which I obviously love, or I wouldn't be typing so much about coffee. I am in awe of all the dairy free creams I have access to that, when needed make my coffee taste so good, especially the coconut milk creamers. I am grateful for the several different typed of honeys I have for my coffee, and cooking, that I pick up from all over. I get very excited to try honey’s from different areas and different farms. I truly believe honey is a liquid gold from mother nature that nourishes me and I am grateful to have so much organic taste honey in my cupboard. 
New opportunities have always been abundant in my life and I am forever grateful for this flow of reenergizing energy and excitement. Whenever I feel it is time for one door to close I have faith in this process, and I am grateful for this knowledge, as it reduces my stress about making changes and allows me to face change with open arms. I am grateful for moving across country and all the valuable lessons this situation has taught me. I will carry the knowledge gained and grow from it and I am so very blessed to have this ability. I am grateful for all my mentors in life, be them good friends, authors, teachers, and those awesome positive affirmation meditations I listen to online. I am grateful for all the time I’ve spent in nature and how it has opened my mind and most importantly soothed my soul. The gift of being a treehugger is probably something I only have a small grasp on, and I believe in the magic of these experiences. I am grateful for the vast species of trees I have visited and how excited I get when entering a new forest, as this brings my happiness. 
Finding inner peace has helped me sleep better at night which I desperately need and thank the process of coming to this place. I am grateful my anxiety attacks no longer run my day- I am in control of my day and my happiness. I love the fact I can sit and meditate for long periods of time and have access to guided meditations, and the company of others to meditate with when desired. 
I am grateful for all the friends I’ve been able to keep in touch with and their patience for me. I am grateful for my new friends in California and the new experiences we share. I am forever immensely grateful for my soul sisters and how simply thinking of them just fills my heart. All the group meditations shared have aided toward my healing. Reconnecting with my Godfather was such an amazing experience for me and I will forever cherish being able to meditate with him, and share stories, learn more about my father, and learn cool things about general hippy stuff that Im so into such as incense. 
My time spent hiking with loved ones will always be close to my heart as these as some of my most cherished times. Luckily I am fortunate enough to have been accompanied by my daughter on many hikes. My daughter gave me the courage to rock jump into Emerald Pools after one hike in Maine, and this was a big fear of mine, I was able to overcome that day, which I am grateful for this experience. My ability to cross things off my bucket list is something I am proud of, so I give gratitude to the process and the growing which comes from doing so. 
I am grateful for all my yoga classes, and one on one yoga sessions I participate in, as these help me heal on a physical and spiritual level. Thanks to yoga , I am flexible, and can stretch my hurt muscles. Thanks to yoga my balance increases. Thanks to yoga my bodily awareness increases. Thanks to yoga my stamina increases. Thanks to yoga my strength increases. Thanks to yoga my breath work increases. I am grateful to access to free yoga in my community. I am grateful for the abundance of yoga in my city. I am grateful for my ability to do yoga at home and whenever I want.
My essential oils, scented candles, sages, and other things gratefully cleanse me, cheer me up, and sooth me. My heated blanket thankfully helps me feel warm enough that I can fall asleep. My wool socks are such a gift for keeping my feet warm which help keep my whole body warm. I am grateful for all these little things that help me feel cozy. All these little things add up to such a nice day and evening. 
Beach fires are one of my most favorite gifts in life, gratefully giving me a selfie of renewal and vitality. Sharing fires with others, brings a sense of community I am grateful to experience. Having fires every night up at the mountain is one of the best gifts of staying up there, and this means so much to me to be able to feel settled at night, relax and get cozy. 
I LOVE being able to look up at the sky and see the stars, reminding me of the powerful and amazing universe I live in. I am grateful to be able to see so many clear skies up at the mountain, and to have experienced the dark skies in New Mexico and Texas. I am grateful for all those in my life that have taught or shared a little bit of knowledge about the constellations, mythology, and astronomy with me. 
I am grateful for the artwork on my body that I am able to enjoy everyday, which is so meaningful to me, and constantly reminds me of the things in my life that are paramount, which I hold so close to my heart. I am grateful to have access to artists which I lookup to, and can share my experience of receiving this ink with, which is a deep statement of who I am as a person. 
My stove, and oven, though not used often, bring me comfort by eating warm foods and I am grateful to have this experience. I am grateful for all the meals I have shared with my daughter and how many times we have said grace together, demonstrating gratitude for the food we have and mindfully feeding our bodies. The mother daughter blessing we wrote together when she was young is dear to my heart and I am grateful she was willing to write a blessing with me that we could use ourselves and eventually share with others. I am grateful for my grace book which has lots of different examples of saying grace before a meal from tons of different cultures, which I find very cool. I am grateful for the experiences of saying grace and sharing lunch with the children at the Waldorf school. I am grateful for being able to light a candle before a meal.
Can I be grateful for coffee agin? I am grateful for midday coffee, with cinnamon, and nutmeg:DI would like to add I am also grateful for all the wonderful coffee mugs I have, especially the big ones. I am grateful for the really good coffee shop I can walk to and the good coffee spots around town. I am grateful that Starbucks helped me through so many long work hours, and I am grateful for all those who have given me Starbucks gift cards. 
I am grateful for all the fruit trees in town and the fresh juice I make from them. The blueberry bushes in my backyard when Kat was growing up bring me so many good memories of Kat going outside to collect a bowl of blueberries for pancakes. Though they were tiny, I am grateful for how sweet each and every one of them were and the nourishment they brought us. 
I am grateful for all my different decks of cards, crystals, and books, that I have at my disposal which I use for insight and healing myself and others. I am grateful for the class I took to be confident with these tools. The crystals I have acquired by nature, gifted from friends, or shop adorn my home and I am grateful for all of them. My plants, outside and in, clean the air I breathe, and some feed me or are used medicinally, and I am so very blessed for this. 
Today, I am particularly grateful for beach walks. Talking off my shoes and getting my feet on the sand, with the waves washing over them is a renewing feeling. I am grateful for the cool treasures I always find on the beach whether I take them home, throw them back, or leave them as I see them. I appreciate having someone to walk on the beach with me. I appreciate the cool birds, and feathers I see. I appreciate the sun, no matter what phase or position it is in, as it always looks so cool.  I love the waves and seeing footprints in the sand. It was fun watching the children play and surf at the beach and I am grateful this helps me stay young at heart just by witnessing it. I’m proud of all the sand I collect in my truck, and I’m always happy to see it there because it reminds me of how lucky I am to live near the ocean. 
I am grateful for the adorable dimples my daughter has on her cheeks, because when I see them she is smiling at me and that is the best gift ever.
There are so many times my daughter and I spent playing board games and building fairy houses in the woods, which I consider to be real quality together time, I hope she will always remember, and the thought of her having these nice memories makes me very happy. I am grateful to have spent so much time in her school or classroom during her childhood. I am grateful for all the horse back lessons I was able to stay and watch. Kat's softball games were the most fun times ever, and I appreciate having a child to cheer on and encourage during team sports. I am grateful to have seen my daughter grow from all these young stages to up to her teenage years and be there for such these as shopping for a prom dress, and her high school graduation. I am grateful to have a truck big enough to fit all the shoes she packed in, when she was moving in the dorms. I am even more grateful my daughter has the opportunity to experience what it is like to live in the dorms and away from home during college. I feel very lucky that my daughter is responsible enough to have and keep a job that pays her a fair wage. 
I am grateful the number of truly happy moments in my life triumph all others. I appreciate all the ups in my life and how the multiply. Since it is impossible for me to count exactly how many times I’ve been blessed I can say I am truly blessed!







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Published on January 01, 2017 17:30

June 2, 2016

Sailing for Soldiers

Okay, so I have some pretty exciting news! A few of my comments from a thank you letter I sent to a local sailing organization offering lessons to disabled veterans was published in U.S. Veterans Magazine. The article, “For Wounded Warriors, Sailing Soothes the Soul," talks about the relief combat and non combat veterans receive by simply getting out on the ocean. I am also super stoked to learn more of these programs exist around the country.
How did I even get myself involved with yet another adventure? Well, my over prioritized and driven personality really wanted to accomplish another check on my bucket list. Sailing was on my “Before my 40th birthday bucket list” because It was something I never knew anything about, and I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. Therapeutically I really hoped it would help my PTSD and I have done everything possible to heal myself since my diagnosis a few years ago.
What happened during my sailing lesson was more than I hoped. I was able to feel at ease with the two sailing instructors, who happened to be a couple of old male veterans, which is extremely hard for me given my past traumatic experiences. Since, I have to go to the VA hospital regularly for health care, simply being among all the male veterans is definitely the biggest hurdle for me. These sailing instructors seemed centered, educated in sailing, and were easy to relate to, which I interpreted as worthy of my trust.
Looking back this experience gave me some much needed peace, and a confidence boost. I am grateful for this opportunity to add more healing to my life, because it really is all I want, and I need that so very badly. Finding comfort around a couple of other vets will eventually lead to comfort with a couple more vets, and then maybe all my days at the VA will be somewhat tolerable, aiding to my recovery. Tom, the organization’s owner and coordinator, thankfully convinced me everything would be okay during our initial phone calls and emails. It was all so essential that I felt at ease heading into this experience, and was assured I needed no prior sailing knowledge so the focus changed from being able to perform as a crew member to simply receiving a positive experience. Most importantly the emphasis was then put on just trying to have a good time, like trying to actually relax, and not pass a sailing captains test at the end of it. I of course, previously thought the goal was to learn and recall as much technical sailing information as possible.

Letting go for a few minutes means keeping my focus on something positive where I can trust my surroundings. Being surrounded by trusting individuals is essential because my PTSD keeps me on guard and constantly scanning for dangerous situations. Engulfed in a mother nature setting creates a loving and trusting environment where I am able to let my guard down. Surrounded by waves I am constantly reminded of the earth washing away all I no longer need bringing openness for new beginnings. The cleansing feeling of the salt air on my face seeps through me and I feel renewed. This is all part of my journey. The hurt and the repair, are what I need to experience to get to the spiritual place in which I belong. I look forward to someday having that, “I’m home” feeling.

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Published on June 02, 2016 23:09

January 24, 2016

No Doubts

This is a prayer from a veteran's healing retreat. It's important for veterans to know whatever atrocities they witnessed, they need to leave any guilt behind and live free from burden.


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Published on January 24, 2016 08:59

Keep your eyes locked hard on the goal

Last year at this time I spent most my week in a wheelchair. Things seemed bad but I really didn't care. 
I went to the acupuncturist five days a week and any other healer I could find. I started writing a book about my baby steps, and had nothing but the best intentions of getting back to the old me. 
Today I'm just shocked at how healthy I really am. How did I not give up after 266 appointments in 2014? How did I muster the strength to have such a strong desire to plow forward just so I could go hiking again?  
We are all amazing creatures doing the best we can to just keep our hearts lifted. Please know, whatever it is that you're striving for will come to you. However far you have to go, just keep your nose to the ground watching each baby step, and before you know it you'll be on top of that mountain, throwing your hands up to the air, and yelling ,"Hell yeah I did it!!"
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Published on January 24, 2016 00:58

"It doesn't really matter what you used to be"

Ya know I used to be a lot of things. I used to be a strong soldier that would never admit I was in pain. I used to be someone's wife and never took any of my needs into consideration. I used to work for abusive bosses, and even refused a raise. As a kid, I would get into fights and never did my homework. 
Standing proud of things that do not deserve praise isn't easy. My legs may shake, my voice may tremble, wet stuff may come out of my eyes, and thank god. Becoming the best person I can be in this world, is an innate desire we all have. I am proud that in some way, these not so valor moments help me to have compassion for others. I am proud to be able to tell some young kid, "Oh don't worry, I've done way worse than that", to have them smile and hopefully not be so hard on themselves. I am proud that for whatever reason during those long dark times I have found resolution.
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Published on January 24, 2016 00:56

July 27, 2015

New Goal: To breathe on occasion, haha!


So I was reminiscing about college today and how ashamed I used to be that it took me ten years to graduate. My perspective has now changed, thank God! Now I’m able to admit to attending at least seven schools to get my degree, a fact I once felt so much guilt about. Wow, like the struggle wasn’t hard enough, that I had to go ahead and sprinkle self-persecution all over it. I’m thankful now to have my diagnosis, as I’m really starting to put together all the little pieces of my life that just didn’t make any sense to me prior. Some things I can even laugh about now, that once always embarrassed me. For instance, I always walk into walls. Yes I see the doorway, and yes I aim for it. Other things still baffle me like when I would stop mid-sentence while holding a very important conversation, and literally hit myself in the head for it, out of frustration. Like that was going to make something better, right?!
My getting lost constantly, and the dozens of classes I dropped out of due to just being stuck in bed consumed by headaches, consumed by body aches, nausea every morning, and just wrapped up in stress which was mostly self-hate for not being able to perform. Then the added stress of having to pay for the classes all over again. I really cannot picture one part of my day that went easily. I have a little hearing loss that gets worse when I’m overstimulated or stressed, so I had a hard time even listening. My PTSD had me sitting in the back of the class, which is a gold mine for being distracted by everything else in the classroom. The chronic fatigue had me drinking tons of energy drinks, and stabbing myself with pencils in the leg (no blood drawn or anything) just to stay awake and pay attention. I’m creating quite the list here, don’t you think?
Anyway, though the last year and a half of knowing what I’m dealing with has sucked, I’m so glad I know now and I’m able to adjust my perspective. I did spend the first nine months driving myself crazy looking for a cure and trying to crack the code on all my diagnoses. But, I feel like I’ve entered a new phase of trying to accept and learn. I’m actually proud of myself, for having the courage to love myself in the process, because it’s hard. I can slowly feel the burden of no longer trying to fit in a cookie cutter life, dissipate. Who knows, one day I may even learn to breathe on occasion, haha.
One reason I love life so much, is because from one year to the next, you just never know where you’ll be. Sometimes I wish I didn’t seek as much adventure as I get in life, and other times, I think, screw it, that’s what I’m here for, so bring it on!
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Published on July 27, 2015 20:21

7 Different Schools to Graduate


I really don't care who thinks this is a sign of stupidity. It's rough having a brain injury dammit. I freaked out at one school in the parking lot and never made it to the first class, so that doesn't really count does it? 

Seriously though it was an exhausting progression. I started my first college class while I was stationed in Germany, and pregnant with my daughter. Unaware I had PTSD or TBI, etc., I enrolled at University of Maryland and took classes all over the country. Later that year I was kicked out of my house, and arrived back in Massachusetts with baby Kat on Christmas Eve. A few months later, I enrolled in an EMT course and by the end realized it was not a good fit, so enrolled in community college. I struggled with learning the campus, but academically did great until mid-summer semester when my head killed so bad I couldn’t get out of bed or finish my classes. I was so bummed out because I was taking week long intersession courses to get caught up, and now my GPA was suffering because I never even made it to the office to properly withdraw, resulting in failing marks on my record. Trying not to be phased I applied and got into UMass Boston. My momentum soon dissipated as I completely flipped out in what I considered to be an unsafe stairwell leading up to registration. Having just bought a new home, I decided to at least enroll in a couple classes at a nearby junior college, where I excelled and transferred my credits to get my AA.

Ah, now time for a four year school. I started attending a full course load at U Mass Dartmouth and had huge anxiety about my safety at this campus also. The parking lots were set up so you had to walk through a heavy treed area to get back to the parking lot after my night classes. Campus news about the high rape incidents really freaked me out, and I began getting migraines and my PTSD spiked to the point I couldn’t go to class. At the time I had no diagnosis or knowledge of what was going on, and really began to hate myself for failing. I tried again at summer session, but then had my Accounting Professor asking me out and calling me at home, which really stressed me and I dropped all my classes once again. I was working third shift loading trucks for the Teamsters at this time so I could spend time with my daughter during the day, and with little sleep my TBI symptoms escalated.

Mostly, to do better with computer programs at work, over the next few years I took a class here and there and at different community colleges. On the verge of losing my GI Bill (the military scholarship I sacrificed so much for), I decided to go back to school full time and leave my job at the Waldorf School. I just couldn’t stand working for peanuts with little appreciation any more, and really wanted a few letters after my name. Well this didn’t go over well with my husband and he asked for a divorce. I became even more committed to finishing my degree now that my daughter’s relied on me more heavily.

I missed BSU fall applications but enrolled fulltime in courses anyway. During winter break I got a denial letter for admissions, though I was at the top of my classes. After talking with an admissions rep, she stated it was because I dropped out of classes at my last two degree seeking schools, and the only way I could get around that was to go back to one of them and successfully complete a course. So that semester in addition to three classes at BSU I enrolled in a degree program at Massasoit and took a class. It worked and I was now accepted to BSU! I spent one full year at BSU without being a matriculated student, which meant no financial aid, no loans, and all debt on my credit card. I felt I had to do whatever it took, and I did.

After a total of ten years, and several different schools, I completed my Bachelorette in Science in Accounting and Finance, with a concentration in Accounting. Additionally, I managed to be named BSU student of the week at some point. I had so much momentum built up that I took my GMAT without even having taking the suggested classes for the test, passed, and enrolled in Graduate School. Receiving special permission to enroll in more courses than allowed I then finished my Master’s Degree in just one year! Now nineteen years later and just learning of my diagnoses, I can’t believe I did it all without any help from Student Special Services. Going through a divorce, moving a few times, a million physical hurdles including surgery, being a single parent with no family support, hours of commute time each day, and yet I did it amid a long list of insanities that were present in my life at that time!

I now consider going to school to be one of my strong suits. Yes, it’s challenging having a need to always sit in the back corner, yet also having a bit of trouble hearing. The oodles of issues with organization, and just a hard time simply reading, nevertheless, now I can look back and smile. I’ve rewritten my educational history to be a successful story. However, I’m also not ready to stop here!

 





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Published on July 27, 2015 15:20

Melissa Faith Robison's Blog

Melissa Robison
My journey as a Amy Veteran warrior, living with a traumatic brain injury, PTSD, and an inspiration to Start Today!
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