Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
FIENDIST PLOT TO OBSTRUCT JUSTICE THWARTED! A deputy assistant quality control engineer at a pencil factory in V-13 sector was arrested several daystretches ago on suspicion of withholding evidence in an ongoing criminal investigation. Citizen Sally Richards was taken away without incident from Barracks Seven, an evidence collector from Homeland Security closely in tow bearing bulging sacks of incriminating documents found concealed under her tiny pillow. The exact nature of her scandalous collusion with traitorous elements is impossible to deduce from the available information, but given the forceful denunciations proffered by her bunkmates, citizen Sally's sinister plot was surely averted in the nick of time. Incidentally, the untidy condition her bunk was found in at the time she was dragged from it will only add to the severity of her punishment. Hysterical objections screamed at the top of her lungs that she was sleeping in it at the time are pedantic and will certainly be of no help to her during questioning.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Are you a bicycle junkie? Love to get to the gym and burn through your daily exercise regimen? Well, that's a lot of sweat you have to manage. And sweat is unhygienic! Fortunately, we at the Simiq Corporation have the perfect solution: sportswear of the highest quality, perfect for absorbing that smelly and disreputable byproduct of all your desperate efforts to stay in shape. Simiq produces several lines of fashionable and alluring jumpsuits, arm- and headbands, goggles – anything, in fact, for the dedicated exercise junkie. Simiq sportswear is available at a boutique nearest you! “Go ahead and reach for the ceiling!”
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! It's only been a weekstretch, but still many of you find it hard to believe that former celebrity manager Milfred Roth is in fact a deranged outlaw suffering from dangerous and potentially contagious bouts of psychosis. Preliminary tests performed under the tightest security at an undisclosed location have repeatedly shown that Milfred Roth has long suffered from narcissistic personality disorder, hallucinations, and bad breath. Long and drawn-out testimonials from victims of his preternatural halitosis can be viewed here. In addition, a cursory search of his residence at the High Times Manor, Q-2 sector, has turned up truckpods of indisputable evidence chronicling his involvement in such past but regrettably familiar disasters as: the imminent threat of star Gliese 710, the irreparable loss of a prototype of an advanced wartime cybot in H-5 sector, and the suspicious death of citizen Hamar Quail – last yearstretch's champion in the Shark Swim event. In addition, there is abundant surveillance of him wantonly hanging around in queues of more than twenty-five persons. Fortunately, Milfred Roth has been demoted to Delta-clearance and will no longer be able to hide behind a cloak of invulnerability. Stay tuned to future dispatches of Today's Edition to learn the sordid details of his protracted confessions as they emerge!
PUPPET PARADE IN P SECTOR! That's right, citizens, it's time for more mandatory fun in P sector! The annual Puppet Parade is on the prowl! Anyone traveling through P sector today is required to be holding a handmade puppet. No exceptions will be made. Candidate puppets should meet the guidelines published on P sector's public portal on X.net. There are size, material, as well as aesthetic components. If you have business in P sector today and cannot find the time to fabricate your own handmade puppet, please report to the security checkpoints set up for your convenience around the perimeter of P sector to turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG TAKEN INTO CUSTODY! Who would have thought that these two seemingly upstanding citizens had irrevocably associated themselves with that heinous chieftain of filth and corruption, Milfred Roth? They tried to hide behind unblemished records distinguished by falsified Marks of Excellence and even a fanciful Fifteen Minutes of Fame, but their carefully laid plans came to naught thanks to the hard work and dedication of our uniformed friends over at Homeland Security! Remember, citizens: not even Alpha clearance citizens can ever hope to elude the long arm of justice. Rumors that Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were tipped off before the Search and Extract Team could seize them and that they have escaped into an abandoned set of sectors under the Bunker free of Control's loving care and watchful eye are pure fancy and should be disregarded by anyone wishing to wake up in the same bunk he went to sleep in.
DEAR EDITOR, I recently had a horn installed on my steppod so I could get through the crowded corridors faster. You know how it is, everyone crammed in together, and there are no lanes dedicated to vehicular traffic. It's just a slight horn, short bursts tuned to a mere 135 dB! Anyway, someone must have tipped off Human Resources because an inspector from their vehicular registration division showed up at my workplace and demanded to see the necessary permits. If I can't produce them, I'll be fitted with a collar and restraint! It's too late to remove the horn... she already inspected it and took some snaps for her report! All I wanted to do was get to work on time... Is there some way I can make this investigation just go away? Diego Quiñones Rodríguez, B-7 sector, Speed Junky.
DEAR SPEED JUNKY, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
FIENDIST PLOT TO OBSTRUCT JUSTICE THWARTED! A deputy assistant quality control engineer at a pencil factory in V-13 sector was arrested several daystretches ago on suspicion of withholding evidence in an ongoing criminal investigation. Citizen Sally Richards was taken away without incident from Barracks Seven, an evidence collector from Homeland Security closely in tow bearing bulging sacks of incriminating documents found concealed under her tiny pillow. The exact nature of her scandalous collusion with traitorous elements is impossible to deduce from the available information, but given the forceful denunciations proffered by her bunkmates, citizen Sally's sinister plot was surely averted in the nick of time. Incidentally, the untidy condition her bunk was found in at the time she was dragged from it will only add to the severity of her punishment. Hysterical objections screamed at the top of her lungs that she was sleeping in it at the time are pedantic and will certainly be of no help to her during questioning.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Are you a bicycle junkie? Love to get to the gym and burn through your daily exercise regimen? Well, that's a lot of sweat you have to manage. And sweat is unhygienic! Fortunately, we at the Simiq Corporation have the perfect solution: sportswear of the highest quality, perfect for absorbing that smelly and disreputable byproduct of all your desperate efforts to stay in shape. Simiq produces several lines of fashionable and alluring jumpsuits, arm- and headbands, goggles – anything, in fact, for the dedicated exercise junkie. Simiq sportswear is available at a boutique nearest you! “Go ahead and reach for the ceiling!”
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! It's only been a weekstretch, but still many of you find it hard to believe that former celebrity manager Milfred Roth is in fact a deranged outlaw suffering from dangerous and potentially contagious bouts of psychosis. Preliminary tests performed under the tightest security at an undisclosed location have repeatedly shown that Milfred Roth has long suffered from narcissistic personality disorder, hallucinations, and bad breath. Long and drawn-out testimonials from victims of his preternatural halitosis can be viewed here. In addition, a cursory search of his residence at the High Times Manor, Q-2 sector, has turned up truckpods of indisputable evidence chronicling his involvement in such past but regrettably familiar disasters as: the imminent threat of star Gliese 710, the irreparable loss of a prototype of an advanced wartime cybot in H-5 sector, and the suspicious death of citizen Hamar Quail – last yearstretch's champion in the Shark Swim event. In addition, there is abundant surveillance of him wantonly hanging around in queues of more than twenty-five persons. Fortunately, Milfred Roth has been demoted to Delta-clearance and will no longer be able to hide behind a cloak of invulnerability. Stay tuned to future dispatches of Today's Edition to learn the sordid details of his protracted confessions as they emerge!
PUPPET PARADE IN P SECTOR! That's right, citizens, it's time for more mandatory fun in P sector! The annual Puppet Parade is on the prowl! Anyone traveling through P sector today is required to be holding a handmade puppet. No exceptions will be made. Candidate puppets should meet the guidelines published on P sector's public portal on X.net. There are size, material, as well as aesthetic components. If you have business in P sector today and cannot find the time to fabricate your own handmade puppet, please report to the security checkpoints set up for your convenience around the perimeter of P sector to turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG TAKEN INTO CUSTODY! Who would have thought that these two seemingly upstanding citizens had irrevocably associated themselves with that heinous chieftain of filth and corruption, Milfred Roth? They tried to hide behind unblemished records distinguished by falsified Marks of Excellence and even a fanciful Fifteen Minutes of Fame, but their carefully laid plans came to naught thanks to the hard work and dedication of our uniformed friends over at Homeland Security! Remember, citizens: not even Alpha clearance citizens can ever hope to elude the long arm of justice. Rumors that Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were tipped off before the Search and Extract Team could seize them and that they have escaped into an abandoned set of sectors under the Bunker free of Control's loving care and watchful eye are pure fancy and should be disregarded by anyone wishing to wake up in the same bunk he went to sleep in.
DEAR EDITOR, I recently had a horn installed on my steppod so I could get through the crowded corridors faster. You know how it is, everyone crammed in together, and there are no lanes dedicated to vehicular traffic. It's just a slight horn, short bursts tuned to a mere 135 dB! Anyway, someone must have tipped off Human Resources because an inspector from their vehicular registration division showed up at my workplace and demanded to see the necessary permits. If I can't produce them, I'll be fitted with a collar and restraint! It's too late to remove the horn... she already inspected it and took some snaps for her report! All I wanted to do was get to work on time... Is there some way I can make this investigation just go away? Diego Quiñones Rodríguez, B-7 sector, Speed Junky.
DEAR SPEED JUNKY, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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