FIVE MAJOR SHIFTS IN THE  TRANSITION INTO PARENTHOOD

We send couples off into parenthood with the equivalent of a Bon Voyage card but a well stocked backpack might be more useful. Studies since the 1950’s have clearly shown that having a first baby has a major impact on a couple’s relationship and yet, decades later, most couples are still unprepared for this fact.

A period of adjustment for both mothers, fathers and same-sex couples, is normal, common and purposeful.

Knowing the major shifts of this transition can equip birth, therapy and parenthood professionals to support

the new families in their care.

1. Parenthood is a Rite of Passage

Traditional societies see parenthood as a rite of passage – a period of transition from one stage of life to the next. It is acknowledged that new parents need time, space and support to find their feet and adjust to the three different phases of the transition:

Letting go of the old way of life (this can often involve a sense of loss).
Facing the confusion and uncertainty of change (which can mean acknowledging fears and managing anxiety).
Emerging with new responsibilities, social standing and a sense of identity.

In the West, couples commonly struggle to get ‘back to normal’ as quickly as possible, and in doing so, often put additional stress on themselves and each other, setting themselves up for a “pressure cooker” lifestyle.

Understanding parenthood as a rite of passage (particularly these days when life before and life after, especially for mothers, can be vastly different) expands a couple’s awareness to the need for different adjustments, respects the significance of the life change, encourages couples to approach the transition as learners rather than experts and appreciate the benefits of social support.

2. Parenthood pushes couples through Relationship Stages

Most people aren’t aware that long-term relationships go through stages. First is the Coming Together phase, where there is high physical attraction, couples spend a lot of time with (or daydreaming about) each other. This stage commonly wears off between six months and two years.

Next stage, Growing Apart, is where couples naturally start to unglue from each other, live their own lives a little more and begin to assert their individual needs and wants, sometimes getting into a power struggle and leading to increased arguments. This stage lasts until the couple learn to negotiate differences or separate.

The third stage, Growing Together, is where couples learn to negotiate their differences in ways that are mutually beneficial. They learn to balance their own needs, desires and goals with their partner. In this stage they realise that the effort they put into their relationship has multiple benefits.

Due to timing, couples usually start having children when they are naturally moving into in the Growing Apart stage – and having a baby introduces more differences into a couple’s relationship. This is a major reason for the increased conflict in baby’s first year that 92% of parents report (Cowan & Cowan). Most couples need to learn to communicate more simply, openly and directly, especially when they are sleep-deprived, dealing with new and unexpected stresses and steep learning curves. Fifteen to 19 percent of parents found (despite increased conflict) that their relationship improved after baby (Gottman & Gottman,  Belsky  & Kelly). These couples were able to stay connected through friendship – making time for each other, mutual affection, interest and goodwill.

3. Parenthood comes with High Expectations

Probably the first shift the couple actually becomes aware of as they pass over the threshold into parenthood is the difference between what they expected life after baby to look like and the reality of it. Couples tend to expect that having a baby will bring them closer together than ever – and in time, and with work this can happen, but initially 67% of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Gottman) and only a tiny 4% (Martyn) say having children lived up to their expectations.  The higher the expectations, the more chance of couples experiencing disappointment, blame and conflict afterwards. Australian research found 30% of mothers with Postnatal Depression felt unrealistic expectations contributed (source:Beyondblue).

By preparing parents for the aspects of parenting known to be stressful or challenging and emphasising the need for them to support each other and work together through these issues, we can reduce the potential for individual and relationship distress. In fact just two 40 minute “preparation for parenthood” sessions to adjust parental expectations and increase relationship awareness reduced relationship difficulties and Post-Partum Depression in 2/3 of Gottman’s participants.

4. Parenthood Shifts Relationship Dynamics

Having a baby means a couple become dependent on each other in new ways. In traditional relationships, Dad needs mum to stay home and look after the baby so he can continue working and mum needs dad to continue working so she can stay home with the baby. Alternatively, they both return to work and depend on a volunteer or paid help. And although research shows this is less of an issue for same-sex couples, there are still adjustments for them. Dependence ‘ups the ante’ in a relationship. The stakes become higher: partners are both now responsible for a vulnerable little person who depends on them for survival. Dependence on another brings gratitude when it’s working well, but blame and resentment when it’s not.

More than before, one partner will affect the other. A baby brings a new dynamic into a couple’s relationship, often forcing them to look at issues and work together in ways that may be unfamiliar or uncomfortable.  A myriad of new situations need to be discussed and decisions made: birth plans, baby names, religious expectations, circumcision, immunisation, breast vs. bottle, in-law issues, parenting styles.

These need to be joint decisions: where one “wins”, the other “loses” and resentment, on anyone’s part, erodes family foundations.  Where couples don’t recognise the need to pull together, issues can pit parents against each other. When an issue becomes bigger than the relationship, the couple is likely to have problems and negatives can escalate. Some parents may need to learn to work together to become interdependent.

5. Parenthood is a time of Emotional Vulnerability

Hormonal shifts of pregnancy and early parenthood make it ripe for mood swings. Exhaustion, broken sleep and stress affect emotional regulation and around 1 in 7 mothers and 1 in 10 fathers experience Postpartum Depression. How a couple communicate and express their feelings to each other can either create tension and conflict – or provide comfort, foster intimacy, promote a deeper understanding of each other and bring them closer together. Both mothers and fathers brains are primed to bond with their baby – which means they’re also primed to bond more closely with each other.

There will be a whole raft of new-baby issues to talk about postpartum so the antenatal period is ripe for opening new lines of communication. The easier practical aspects are discussed, the more likely partners are to be comfortable to drop into more emotional topics.

Emotional intimacy, affection and sexuality are linked. Both the desire and needs for sexual intimacy change after baby and a mismatched sex drive is a major source of conflict for most couples postpartum. Mothers are tired and distracted and want somebody to meet her needs for a change, as well as suffering from an overdose of skin and too many baby body fluids. The last thing she usually wants is sex. What mothers do crave is non-sexual affection (this is also linked to positive self-esteem), some good strong arms around her at the end of a long day, to feel understood by her partner and that she is not alone in this. Feeling isolated and misunderstood is a contributing factor to PPD.

Men tend to want to return to a ‘normal’ sex life as soon as possible.  This needs to be normalised and negotiated. It needs to be made clear that a woman’s rejection of sex is not a rejection of HIM (many men can take it this way). If he does, he is likely to withdraw physically and emotionally from her and this can lead to other relationship problems down the track. Couples who feel connected emotionally usually return to a mutually satisfying sex life sooner.

Most couples are unprepared for the transition into parenthood and the effects of this transition on their partnership. However, strong relationships and families are built through knowing how to pull together and support each other – through all the changes.

For more: www.ellytaylor.com.