Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
VIRULENT FUNGUS INFESTS I SECTOR! The entirety of I sector has been put on lockdown due to an outbreak of deadly and aggressive mold. This fuzzy, light blue substance is extremely dangerous and should not be touched or even approached by anyone unprotected by an ecopack. A number of casualties have been already reported, including an entire singalong being held in the Deborah G. Dean Plaza in I-12 sector. The fungus appears to be intelligent and capable of movement. According to eye witnesses, it increases in size by absorbing the bodily fluids of its victims. Initial reports indicate the mold originated in a cleaning station in I-16 sector and is using the plumbing to spread itself. Guardians from Defense are already on the move to eradicate this pernicious, new enemy threatening the Bunker. Citizens, you can rest assured that this treacherous fungus has been completely isolated in I sector, and there is no risk of its spreading to other sectors. Meanwhile, an investigation has been opened as to who is responsible for this costly disaster. H&C's corps of hygiene inspectors in I sector has already been placed under arrest. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
AIR RECYCLING SYSTEM IN J SECTOR TEMPORARILY OFFLINE! Due to an unexpected shortage of magnesium, air filtration and regeneration in J-1, J-2, J-4, and J-9 through J-14 sectors will be shut down until further notice. Citizens are advised to take the necessary precautions, including storing air in special containers provided by H&C for later use or breathing rapidly in the hourstretches leading up to the event. For those citizens with a Gamma security clearance or higher, [[ Information deleted for security reasons ]]. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Everybody loves Sticky Jelly! Easily make fake boogers, slippery surfaces, or condoms on-the-fly! Good for practical jokes of all kinds! Stop bleeding, patch up your steppod, or pretend you have hair! Useful in almost any situation, whether you are about to panic or full of laughs! Sticky Jelly is not a choking hazard. Sticky Jelly is not an aggressive skin irritant. Always wear gloves when handling Sticky Jelly. “Sticky Jelly is everything you want it to be!”
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! The list of atrocities to which Epsilon clearance citizen and former celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, has confessed has grown long indeed. On a positive note, a number of previously unsolved crimes [[ Illegal checksum ]] [[ Broken pipe ]] [[ Start coded message ]] My fellow citizens, Milfred Roth is not a traitor. The campaign being waged against him by Today's Edition is nothing more than a calculated attempt to defame a loyal denizen of the Bunker and strike a blow to Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and close friend and associate of Milfred's. Rest assured that citizen Rahayu will deploy all of her considerable powers to free Milfred Roth and combat the owners of Today's Edition, lackeys and miscreants linked to the notorious Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells. He is the root of all evil. For your own safety, do not believe any of the lies you read here. [[ End coded message ]] shameless abandon. Anyone else who was an unfortunate victim of Milfred Roth's rapacious thirst for sex- and bloodsport is invited to come forward by filling out form 0xB09EE7F9 'Affidavit Providing Incontrovertible Proof That Milfred Roth Is A Big Fat Traitor', conveniently provided by Central Management. Stayed tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch of Today's Edition for the most recent updates as they come in.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since my boyfriend died in a freak accident at the Chuck Colson Sports Center in L-6 sector, I've had – well, difficulties. There are so many people in the corridors outside. And the plazas! Never mind the plazas. I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it. They gave me meds at my local clinic, but they aren't helping. The panic attacks are only getting worse. I haven't been to work in four daystretches. Now they're saying I'm faking it. They're going to put me in a restraint and take me away... But I can't leave here! My bunk is the only place I feel safe! Please, O please help me! What should I do? Desperate with time running out, Bridget Dopplebott L-11 sector.
DEAR BRIDGET, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
VIRULENT FUNGUS INFESTS I SECTOR! The entirety of I sector has been put on lockdown due to an outbreak of deadly and aggressive mold. This fuzzy, light blue substance is extremely dangerous and should not be touched or even approached by anyone unprotected by an ecopack. A number of casualties have been already reported, including an entire singalong being held in the Deborah G. Dean Plaza in I-12 sector. The fungus appears to be intelligent and capable of movement. According to eye witnesses, it increases in size by absorbing the bodily fluids of its victims. Initial reports indicate the mold originated in a cleaning station in I-16 sector and is using the plumbing to spread itself. Guardians from Defense are already on the move to eradicate this pernicious, new enemy threatening the Bunker. Citizens, you can rest assured that this treacherous fungus has been completely isolated in I sector, and there is no risk of its spreading to other sectors. Meanwhile, an investigation has been opened as to who is responsible for this costly disaster. H&C's corps of hygiene inspectors in I sector has already been placed under arrest. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
AIR RECYCLING SYSTEM IN J SECTOR TEMPORARILY OFFLINE! Due to an unexpected shortage of magnesium, air filtration and regeneration in J-1, J-2, J-4, and J-9 through J-14 sectors will be shut down until further notice. Citizens are advised to take the necessary precautions, including storing air in special containers provided by H&C for later use or breathing rapidly in the hourstretches leading up to the event. For those citizens with a Gamma security clearance or higher, [[ Information deleted for security reasons ]]. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Everybody loves Sticky Jelly! Easily make fake boogers, slippery surfaces, or condoms on-the-fly! Good for practical jokes of all kinds! Stop bleeding, patch up your steppod, or pretend you have hair! Useful in almost any situation, whether you are about to panic or full of laughs! Sticky Jelly is not a choking hazard. Sticky Jelly is not an aggressive skin irritant. Always wear gloves when handling Sticky Jelly. “Sticky Jelly is everything you want it to be!”
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! The list of atrocities to which Epsilon clearance citizen and former celebrity manager, Milfred Roth, has confessed has grown long indeed. On a positive note, a number of previously unsolved crimes [[ Illegal checksum ]] [[ Broken pipe ]] [[ Start coded message ]] My fellow citizens, Milfred Roth is not a traitor. The campaign being waged against him by Today's Edition is nothing more than a calculated attempt to defame a loyal denizen of the Bunker and strike a blow to Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and close friend and associate of Milfred's. Rest assured that citizen Rahayu will deploy all of her considerable powers to free Milfred Roth and combat the owners of Today's Edition, lackeys and miscreants linked to the notorious Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells. He is the root of all evil. For your own safety, do not believe any of the lies you read here. [[ End coded message ]] shameless abandon. Anyone else who was an unfortunate victim of Milfred Roth's rapacious thirst for sex- and bloodsport is invited to come forward by filling out form 0xB09EE7F9 'Affidavit Providing Incontrovertible Proof That Milfred Roth Is A Big Fat Traitor', conveniently provided by Central Management. Stayed tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch of Today's Edition for the most recent updates as they come in.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since my boyfriend died in a freak accident at the Chuck Colson Sports Center in L-6 sector, I've had – well, difficulties. There are so many people in the corridors outside. And the plazas! Never mind the plazas. I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it. They gave me meds at my local clinic, but they aren't helping. The panic attacks are only getting worse. I haven't been to work in four daystretches. Now they're saying I'm faking it. They're going to put me in a restraint and take me away... But I can't leave here! My bunk is the only place I feel safe! Please, O please help me! What should I do? Desperate with time running out, Bridget Dopplebott L-11 sector.
DEAR BRIDGET, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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