Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
TERRORIST STRIKE IN J SECTOR!! Hundreds – perhaps thousands – of innocent citizens lost their lives last weekstretch in a bizarre but deadly attack in J sector. The cause of death: asphyxiation. No signs of violence – other than those perpetrated by the frantic victims themselves as they tried to escape – could be ascertained, nor were there any explosions or obvious industrial tampering by which the air quality could have been altered. A team of investigators from Homeland Security has been assigned to the case. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects. Survivors and citizens from other sectors with business there should not go out of their way to avoid J sector. The good Alphas down at Control assure us that the danger – whatever it was – has lifted.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Are you ready for something incredible?? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! You've just won an all-expenses paid trip to the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort!!!!!!!!!! Like, WOW!!!!!!!!! That's right, citizen! Whereas everyone else in the Bunker reading this blurb sees an advertisement for Fun Gum, you – and only you! – are the lucky winner. Just imagine, three blissful daystretches of pampering at the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort await you. Relax in our phosphorous-fired saunas, or pop down to our Skin Care Center for a treatment of invigorating oils and a massage from one of our many specialists. Each luxurious and private suite is assigned a sexpert of your preferred gender. Never heard of the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort? Don't try searching for us on X.net. That's because we are an exclusive resort normally restricted to Delta-clearance and above. Unfortunately, we can't tell you the location of the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort or arrange for pickup until you send us a nominal fee – just one thousand credits! Click here to meet with a representative in a quiet broom closet in a scarcely traveled corridor nearest you. Be sure to bring your Card!
NUTTY THE HAPPY NEUTRON GOES ON TOUR! Everybody loves Nutty the Happy Neutron. That adorable man-shaped mascot with the floating balls around his head – those are ions, folks – is frequently sighted around the Bunker, dispelling fallacies and misunderstandings about the wonders and benefits of nuclear power. Nuclear power is entirely safe and fun! Ever wonder what nuclear fuel looks like? Then come on down to the Dwight L. Chapin Plaza in D-7 sector! Nutty will have a few of those alluring fuel rods with him. You can examine one up close and even touch its smooth, silky exterior. Citizens, as Nutty is always reminding us, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! Ladies and gentlemen, now that the spigot has been opened, the confessions keep pouring out of Milfred Roth's vile and halitosis-plagued mouth. And there are a few notable surprises among them. Not only is this incorrigible and hardened hoodlum able to sow mass death in J sector from captivity, but it turns out he is also responsible for previous catastrophic disasters resulting in substantial loss of life, including: malware introduced into medibots performing emergency surgery in R sector, a deadly malfunction of the lifts and escalators in X sector, and a regrettable administrative error at H&C whereby an entire department in C sector was poured over in concrete, burying hundreds of innocent citizens alive. Stay tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more updates on the ongoing investigation into Milfred Roth's unrestrained propensity for anarchy and debauchery.
TRAFFIC REROUTED IN Y SECTOR! Due to planned maintenance in the transtube, all vehicular traffic through the industrial district in Y-8 sector has been closed off. Citizens are asked to plan accordingly. Rumors that there was a terrible accident at the Joyful Encounters Nuclear Power Facility are unfounded and will not be tolerated. The boys and girls over at Control have asked us to remind you that knowingly spreading rumors in the Bunker is a crime punishable by a fine, scrubber, and/or restraint. The truckpods and ambulances entering and exiting the restricted area at high speed are participating in the reconstruction efforts. H&C wants to get these repairs over with as quickly as possible, folks!
DEAR EDITOR, I am being ruthlessly pursued by a debt recovery agency for a bill that's not mine. They've called my supervisor, my girlfriend – even the commissary where I get my meals! I'm embarrassed to say the least. Now everyone thinks I'm a deadbeat who leaves unpaid debts all over town. Yesterday, I had a talk with my supervisor, and she was planning on docking my pay! I begged and pleaded, and she finally agreed to hold off after I agreed to do her a few favors, but still... How long can this go on for? And don't they have to show proof? The debt's not mine! A victim of fraud, Inge de Varebeke, B-12 sector.
DEAR INGE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
TERRORIST STRIKE IN J SECTOR!! Hundreds – perhaps thousands – of innocent citizens lost their lives last weekstretch in a bizarre but deadly attack in J sector. The cause of death: asphyxiation. No signs of violence – other than those perpetrated by the frantic victims themselves as they tried to escape – could be ascertained, nor were there any explosions or obvious industrial tampering by which the air quality could have been altered. A team of investigators from Homeland Security has been assigned to the case. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects. Survivors and citizens from other sectors with business there should not go out of their way to avoid J sector. The good Alphas down at Control assure us that the danger – whatever it was – has lifted.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Are you ready for something incredible?? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! You've just won an all-expenses paid trip to the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort!!!!!!!!!! Like, WOW!!!!!!!!! That's right, citizen! Whereas everyone else in the Bunker reading this blurb sees an advertisement for Fun Gum, you – and only you! – are the lucky winner. Just imagine, three blissful daystretches of pampering at the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort await you. Relax in our phosphorous-fired saunas, or pop down to our Skin Care Center for a treatment of invigorating oils and a massage from one of our many specialists. Each luxurious and private suite is assigned a sexpert of your preferred gender. Never heard of the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort? Don't try searching for us on X.net. That's because we are an exclusive resort normally restricted to Delta-clearance and above. Unfortunately, we can't tell you the location of the Eternal Wellness Spa and Health Resort or arrange for pickup until you send us a nominal fee – just one thousand credits! Click here to meet with a representative in a quiet broom closet in a scarcely traveled corridor nearest you. Be sure to bring your Card!
NUTTY THE HAPPY NEUTRON GOES ON TOUR! Everybody loves Nutty the Happy Neutron. That adorable man-shaped mascot with the floating balls around his head – those are ions, folks – is frequently sighted around the Bunker, dispelling fallacies and misunderstandings about the wonders and benefits of nuclear power. Nuclear power is entirely safe and fun! Ever wonder what nuclear fuel looks like? Then come on down to the Dwight L. Chapin Plaza in D-7 sector! Nutty will have a few of those alluring fuel rods with him. You can examine one up close and even touch its smooth, silky exterior. Citizens, as Nutty is always reminding us, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! Ladies and gentlemen, now that the spigot has been opened, the confessions keep pouring out of Milfred Roth's vile and halitosis-plagued mouth. And there are a few notable surprises among them. Not only is this incorrigible and hardened hoodlum able to sow mass death in J sector from captivity, but it turns out he is also responsible for previous catastrophic disasters resulting in substantial loss of life, including: malware introduced into medibots performing emergency surgery in R sector, a deadly malfunction of the lifts and escalators in X sector, and a regrettable administrative error at H&C whereby an entire department in C sector was poured over in concrete, burying hundreds of innocent citizens alive. Stay tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more updates on the ongoing investigation into Milfred Roth's unrestrained propensity for anarchy and debauchery.
TRAFFIC REROUTED IN Y SECTOR! Due to planned maintenance in the transtube, all vehicular traffic through the industrial district in Y-8 sector has been closed off. Citizens are asked to plan accordingly. Rumors that there was a terrible accident at the Joyful Encounters Nuclear Power Facility are unfounded and will not be tolerated. The boys and girls over at Control have asked us to remind you that knowingly spreading rumors in the Bunker is a crime punishable by a fine, scrubber, and/or restraint. The truckpods and ambulances entering and exiting the restricted area at high speed are participating in the reconstruction efforts. H&C wants to get these repairs over with as quickly as possible, folks!
DEAR EDITOR, I am being ruthlessly pursued by a debt recovery agency for a bill that's not mine. They've called my supervisor, my girlfriend – even the commissary where I get my meals! I'm embarrassed to say the least. Now everyone thinks I'm a deadbeat who leaves unpaid debts all over town. Yesterday, I had a talk with my supervisor, and she was planning on docking my pay! I begged and pleaded, and she finally agreed to hold off after I agreed to do her a few favors, but still... How long can this go on for? And don't they have to show proof? The debt's not mine! A victim of fraud, Inge de Varebeke, B-12 sector.
DEAR INGE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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