There’s nothing worse than feeling out of control. It’s counter to how most of us are wired. When we lose are bearings, we lose our balance. Having some sort of control helps us put one foot in front of the other. Control gives us choices.

So what happens when we lose control?

When heartbreak opens up the floodgates of despair – the force is sometimes so strong, it’s absolutely impossible to find footing. We’re swept up into a swirling mess of feelings that seem to have no bottom. This means all the mechanisms of being “in control” short circuit. Our go-to behaviors don’t work. We put up a fight but to no avail. Probably the next best move is to do nothing – to surrender. But that goes against our gut.

Except… that’s not quite true.

Our guts – literally our stomachs, which have millions of neurotransmitters in them – usually feel sick during heartbreak. Fighting against feelings usually causes internal tornados. Have you ever kept a secret from someone you love? That pit in your stomach holds so much anxiety. The moment you fess up and communicate what ever you’ve been holding back – the first part of you to “let go” is your gut. This is why surrendering is the first step towards healing.

The word surrender is loaded. Let’s change it. Let’s say float. Floating calms down our resistance towards acceptance. Ok, let's just float and see what comes next.

Deborah Pardes is the co-author of Climbing Out from Under: A Handbook for Heartbreak