Some of my favorite writing is meant to be spoken and by that I obviously mean speeches. Specifically, I like commencement speeches. Important older people, typically alumni for that particular school, attempt to reduce a lifetime of experience into ten minutes of advice and platitudes, with just the right amount of comedy sprinkled on top.

One of these great speeches is Mary Schmidt’s, Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young, and I have been known to quote it from time to time. On the outside chance that you believe it takes more than an internet meme to absorb another person’s knowledge, I have included the link to the text of Schmidt’s speech. If you would like to listen to Mary’s speech, you probably already have. Baz Luhrmann turned it into a 1999 hit song titled, Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen. Mary’s are simple, but timeless ideas on making a life worth living, and if you have never heard them, I will consider this post a success if you read her words in lieu of the crap that I have written.

Mary’s Speech

I mention Mary’s speech because it isn’t real. She really wrote it, but it was actually just an exercise on what she would say if she were ever asked to give a commencement speech. I think that is a fine idea, so I have decided to try it for myself.

For this exercise, I was going to write a fake commencement speech to a fake college, but then it occurred to me that there is a huge swath of young people entering this unprotected world that will get no such luxury, so I decided to write to them instead. Although this is written to all high school students, it is specifically meant to serve those that will soon join the ranks of the nearly 70% of Americans whose only degree is from the school of hard knocks – my Alma mater.

Note to my writer friends: As the following words are meant to be spoken, I have broken more grammar rules than Don King on a bender. Please, try and keep your eye rolling to a minimum.

To the Class of 2016.

Welcome.

You have spent the last twelve years having facts, or what passed as facts at the time – fed, lectured, and when need be, slammed into your skull by repetitive blunt force. You likely believed that the information was useless… and you are mostly correct, but do not worry, these facts are stored in the brain cells that you will kill off first anyway… probably tonight.

Out of respect for your sore thinker, I will give you just two more of these facts and fill the remainder of our time with personal conjecture.

Here is the first fact: Look to the two people closest to you. Now, you need understand that one of you is totally screwed… or at least that is what the world is telling you. One in three current high school graduates will not go to college. This is not some future possibility that your group, as a whole, can escape through a change in attitude, behavior, or choices; it is a fact.

Additionally, pretend for a moment that you are Michonne from The Walking Dead, withdraw your razor-sharp Katana, and then metaphorically slice the remaining graduate just below the armpits. The head, shoulders, and arms that just flopped to the ground had great intentions, but for one reason or another will fail to graduate from college.

To the just over half of you that have more courses, credit hours, and keggers, for which to look forward; please sit quietly and stare at your phone. You are the future and every facet of American life is geared toward you and your goals. I can think of no aspect of media or entertainment over the last twenty years that has not promoted the “only college equals happiness” narrative, and although they are probably right, this has hardly moved the needle on graduation rates. Maybe it is time to start telling kids that they can be more than motorcycle mechanics if they don’t go to college.

For those graduates that can’t sit still, thanks to the Adderall, feel free to retrieve a mirror and practice your duck-face while I speak. This appears to be a very important skill for your immediate future and I am in no position to judge.

I am not here today to explain why you should go to college, in some altruistic hope that I convince a handful of you to do so. I suppose most people, if given the opportunity to speak your entire class, would use this time toward that end. By detailing the financial, social, and health benefits of a continued education, they would consider themselves successful if they inspire even a handful of those present to divert their current path. This would be a wasted opportunity – Nearly one and a half million of you will never get a college degree and there are no words pretty enough to change that.

Now… To the rest of the class of 2016.

I think I’ll start by complimenting you for being right. You probably haven’t heard that much in the last four years, considering your test scores, but credit should be given when credit is due. You were spot-on all along; most of your teachers… were in fact… poorly designed robots.

Feel free to congratulate yourself for being correct, but don’t blame the teachers for their mechanical shortcomings. They taught you in the fashion they themselves were taught, and when those methods were developed, we were still using rotary phones. This is often referred to as Chalk and Talk, but I like to call it: Carrot-Stick-Rinse-Repeat.

I am not trying to insult your teachers – just the opposite. Most of them do better than expected, when you consider how America spends its money on education. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be for a young teacher to watch as their very limited resources are spent trying to level the playing field, instead of changing the rules of the game. As I look across this crowd of misfits, hooligans, and vandals, I can’t help but feel that every one of your teachers deserves a private Caribbean island for annual recovery.

The fact is that we are just now beginning to understand that your education would have been better served if it had been offered a buffet, instead of a box lunch, but that doesn’t do you any good. These advances will help your children, but it is over for you. You get to throw your cap today and never walk into a four-walled classroom ever again.

Pause for cheering.

However, this does not mean you get to stop being taught lessons. If you are not going to college, your real learning has just begun and most of you have unwittingly signed up for the hardest class schedule possible. It won’t feel like a schedule at first. In the beginning, it will feel like freedom, but believe me, you are on a well-worn path and it is getting narrower by the minute.

There are, of course, exceptions. Some of you are already wealthy, thanks to hard working parents or grand-parents. A few of you are so physically attractive that life will hand you everything you desire in powder-blue boxes topped with little white bows. And some, merely a handful, will just get lucky. On that last one, it has been my experience that luck is a fickle mistress that will cheat on you eventually, but you go ahead and rock that shit while it lasts – it’s a fun ride.

To those that are not privileged, pretty or lucky, I ask you not resent these people. I don’t care how fat, ugly, stupid or useless you feel – There are about two BILLION people on this planet that would give anything to have your depressing life.

Pause.

Right about here, in the guts of this speech, is where I am supposed to inspire you by saying something like, “Listen to your heart and follow your dreams”. Sorry, that would just be more horse-shit meant for college-bound graduates. Inspiring you right now would be a waste of my breath and your endorphins. Trust me – Your heart is an idiot and your dreams are liars.

Instead of inspiring you, I will lay out your very limited paths.

Some of you are about to enter military service. For those that are, you don’t need me to discuss the patriotism, stability, and public service involved in this endeavor – You already know that part, and I am very grateful for your sacrifice. But, I will mention a part of military service that successfully touches on one of the most important aspects of a happy life, and quite possibly the key to bright future for all of you…

Fellowship.

When we hear the word fellowship, we think of church or business orders, but that is just the smallest piece of an iceberg, bobbing above the water. Fellowship is simply belonging to a group larger than one, and if you believe that your days of anxiety over wanting to belong – end today, you are sadly mistaken. You may think you don’t need fellowship, but most of you will not get that option; fellowship will find you. The question is… What kind?

Some of you will find fellowship at the bar where your friends and co-workers gather. You will be judged by your ability to consume and this will require much practice. It will feel good to belong, and this will probably be the place where you meet your future spouse. This is also the place where you are most likely to meet the person with whom you will cheat on that first spouse.

Do your best to find fellowship in the places that serve you – Not the other way around.

Those of you who don’t join the service will still need to get jobs so that you can eat – unless of course, you plan on living your life on welfare. This is not a good idea.

Don’t get me wrong; I am all for taking advantage of the system, but welfare has become how you stay ahead – not get ahead. You have to already be rich to use welfare effectively. Welfare for the poor is drying up faster than a California lawn and our country is one disaster away from sacrificing all who drink from it in the name of triage. Stay away from welfare unless you are already rich.

In reality, most of you will be relegated to careers in government, service, manufacturing or construction, because these are jobs that college graduates do not want. That is just the way it will be. I don’t care what color your skin or your collar is -You are the bright future’s immigrant farm worker. Sorry, somebody had to tell you.

Now that I have you sufficiently depressed, it is time to give you some hope. If you are not depressed, I will take some of whatever you are on… please… I mean it… give me your doctor/drug dealer’s phone number after we are done here.

Although they may give you their low-end jobs out of necessity, corporations don’t care about you; they hardly care about employees with degrees. Corporations only care about shareholders, and statistically speaking, you will never own stock. I am not saying that you should hurt anyone, but definitely use them. Try some different jobs under the guise that you are in it for the long-haul, and when you find something you like; figure out a way to do it for yourself. There are huge tranches of opportunity considered too small or risky for corporate America and this is where your real prospects lie.

The only way to do this is to throw out old morals and presumptions, and then band together by seeking others on your path. Actively look for businesses owned by entrepreneurs that went to the same college we did – none. Vote for politicians that went to our school, and when you don’t see one on the ballot, write your name there. I don’t think we can do much worse than our current leaders.

I challenge you to spend the next ten years learning everything you can about the world in which you live, AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN – should you listen to your heart and follow your dreams. You may still fail, but if you figure out a way to work together, you might have a chance, as a group, to reverse the course of your declining reality. You do not have to exist on America’s bottom rung. The ladder itself is an illusion and would fall apart if you did not support it. Real slaves don’t need to be held by chains – they go willingly.

This may sound offensive to those with college educations, but it should not. I appreciate the sacrifices you made for that degree, and almost every adult for whom I care possess a college education, but that does not make them better, regardless of what the job sites say. This country has spent far too long propagating the myth that only college graduates are good enough, while simultaneously making a respectable college degree harder to attain for the lower to middle class.

Pause.

I agree that these ideas are a little heavy handed for a high school graduation, so in closing, I’ll leave you with a much simpler truth that has nothing to do with education…

From the moment you were born, you were made responsible for only two things; your body and the environment in which you allow it to exist. You will likely add other people as time moves forward, but these two are your primary responsibilities, and if you can’t hold yourself up, you will be too weak to lift anyone else, and too heavy to be carried when you need it, especially at the end.

This leads us to our second fact: You are going to die. Statistically, five of you will die today. Now, assuming you are not one of those five that die today, tomorrow, or the immediate future, you will need your body when you get older. My point is that you should try to be careful what you put into that body and how you use it…

Because trust me; life IS like a box of chocolates – If you can’t manage to have a little self-control…

It isn’t going to last very long.

Congratulations and good luck… You are going to need it.