Randy > Randy's Quotes

“You may not remember the time you let me go first.
Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go.
Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up.
You may not remember any of those, but I do and this is what I have to say to you:

Today, no matter what it takes,
we ride home together.”
― Brian Andreas, Traveling Light: Stories & Drawings for a Quiet Mind

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin

“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!”
― Shel Silverstein

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs, I say ‘no.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
― Rodney Dangerfield, It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”
― Jarod Kintz

“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want

“Can I come in?
No! I'm in a towel!
I'm blind!”
― James Patterson

“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale